Husband’s Lover Does Things I Won’t Do

QUESTION: I have heard that oral and anal sex is prohibited for a Christian couple.  My husband has a lover and I think she gives him both these types of sex, which I refuse to give him.  He was Christian, but has left God.  I still serve God.  Please tell me if it wrong and can I get scripture to back it up?  Thanks.

ANSWER: Because your husband is…well, YOUR husband…then any sexual activity he has with anyone else is wrong. It matters little what sexual activity he participates in with his lover because all of it is adultery. However, I get the impression that you are searching for scripture that says that those specific acts – oral, anal – are wrong.

You may not like my answers. If you wish to have a scripture that plainly says adultery is wrong choose either this one from the Old Testament (Exodus 20:14 ) or this one from the New Testament (Hebrews 13:4). There are many more, but these two are plenty.

However, when it comes to oral sex, though some Christians condemn it, there is no Biblical injunction against it.


Our Catholic friends who believe that every sexual act must provide at least the opportunity for pregnancy would, of course, reject sexual activity that does not involve the penis inserted into the vagina, and even that is acceptable only if no contraceptives are involved. Any potential for orgasm outside the vagina would not fit their belief system.

Others in Christianity who do not believe that sex always has to have the possibility of conception are freer when it comes to certain sexual acts, but some of them reject oral sex because they say it is unnatural. A few years ago I irked a Christian radio host as he interviewed me. He did not like it that I refused to say that oral sex is a sin. He argued that because sinners did that, it was wrong and had to be abandoned by those who had left sin for a relationship with Jesus. He did NOT appreciate my pointing out that such logic would also do away with intercourse, kissing, and even holding hands. Sinners do those as well. Flustered, he changed his slant to the fact that Christians cannot do it because homosexuals do it. He became even more agitated when I pointed out that such logic still precluded kissing, holding hands, and the like because homosexuals did those things, too. Finally, he blurted out that it is wrong because it does not exist in the animal kingdom. I almost felt sorry for the guy when I had to educate him that some species not only have oral sex, but also have same-gender sex (example: in some of the ape species one female will occasionally perform oral sex on another female), and some even have incestuous sexual relations.

My interview didn’t last long after that.

Though there are Christians who say it is ungodly, there are no verses of which I have any awareness that forbid it in any way. Interestingly, in the Song of Solomon there are passages that appear to graphically describe oral sex between Solomon and his lover. Two verses from that book flew into my brain as I wrote the last sentence. However, because they are difficult to interpret out of context, I won’t list the specific verses here. (Wonder how many will read the entire Song of Solomon before this day is done…)

That said about oral sex, I must point out that I believe there is a verse that prohibits anal sex. It has nothing to do with the fact that sinners do it, homosexuals do it, the animal kingdom, or any of that kind of reasoning. It is the passage that says we are not to do anything that harms our body (1 Corinthians 6:19). Though some web sites that are not too happy with us evangelicals have had quite a bit of sarcastic fun writing that I do not know what I’m talking about in this matter, I have read enough about the dangers of anal intercourse to believe that it has great potential to harm the body.

For example, according to the Palo Alto Medical Foundation, “It [anal intercourse] can also cause damage to the colon (the lower part of the intestine) if you and your partner are not cautious. The colon is covered by a thin membranous tissue, which has many blood vessels and can tear easily.”

My friends over at Christian Nymphos don’t make the same kind of strong statements against anal sex that I do. They point out that some women are damaged by the act (resulting in problems such as incontinence) but also state that some women don’t have these problems. They say that it is each couple’s decision and that the rest of us should not make judgment. I don’t necessarily disagree with their approach…while I do not hesitate to say that I believe the principle about harming the body is applicable here and that we shouldn’t have anal intercourse, I do not expect anyone to be turned out of heaven because they had anal intercourse with their spouse. (I don’t think that question is on the final exam (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek.)

One bit of advice for those who choose to practice anal sex. NEVER allow anything that touched the anus to touch the vagina unless it has been thoroughly cleaned. I don’t think anyone would disagree with me on that.

IMPORTANT: Do not feel that you have to do anything sexually (or otherwise) that you are not comfortable in doing or feel that you shouldn’t do. The fact that your husband’s lover does it in no way makes it imperative for you to do so in effort to win him back. You be you and you follow your own belief and value system. If ever you work things out with your husband, together discuss your sex life together and the ways you can fulfill each other. Don’t refuse him because someone says you shouldn’t do something. Don’t accommodate him because someone says you should accommodate him. Work together to find a fulfilling sex life that satisfies each of you without troubling either of you.





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  2. j jones

    WHy are you having sex with your husband who is cheating on you? WHy are you even still with him if he wont stop seeing her?

  3. Ol' Will

    Regarding the anal sex issue:
    The issue of germs and general nastiness aside:
    If doing it can cause grievous and maybe permanent damage to the receiving partner and you don’t know if you’re going to be damaged until after you’ve been damaged, then it seems to me that prudence would require avoiding such activity.

    The Christian Nymphos are wrong on this one. I don’t think it’s a decision to be made by each couple. Each time the “yes” decision is made, the consequences of possible physical damage are unknown – not to mention possible infection and disease for either partner – so I would always counsel to never engage in anal sex.

  4. Chris

    Why would you allow your husband to have a lover? And why are you still with him. That is called adultery. I don’t get why some people feel as they have to put up with cheating. Find someone who will not cheat and who really loves you and who enjoys being with you. Never feel like you have to stay. Their is always someone out there that will treat you like you should be.