QUESTION: My husband shares our sex life with his sister, who then shares it with other family members. His sister has made crass jokes about our sex life. This disturbs me immensely. I don’t feel as if he should be sharing our sex life with anyone but me. Am I wrong?
ANSWER: Lovemaking between a husband and wife is to be an intimate experience interlacing bodies, hearts, minds, and souls. By its very nature, the concept of intimacy means very personal, very close. When others are brought in, in actuality or in subsequent description, intimacy is lost.
Think of it this way: No one watching porn actors having sex would think of their sexual encounter as intimate. It would be sex, but not intimate lovemaking. The very fact that they knew that others would be watching removes the intimacy factor.
By sharing any information or details about your sex life with anyone other than you, your husband removes the intimacy aspect of your lovemaking. It is absolutely NOT the thing a loving husband should do.
Beyond that, I find it intriguing that a man would share details about his sex life with his sister. I can’t imagine having a conversation like that with my sister. Maybe a reader can tell me how that could in any way be considered a good thing, a healthy thing, or even a sign of a good relationship between those siblings. Immature males sometimes share the details of their sex lives with other immature males, but a man sharing with his sister? Hmm. And then SHE shares the details with other family members? I find this rather disturbing and I’m usually the one that people think of as being very tolerant and understanding about various sexual behavior.
My suggestion is that you write a contract for your husband and then present it to him. State in it that the very next time you hear anything about his sharing details of your sex life, he will not have any more such details to share for a month. If after you come together again, you hear that he has done so, he won’t have any such details to share for two months. Then keep the contract without offering any grace or mercy. Teach him that there are consequences to that behavior and that you absolutely will not tolerate it. Make it clear in the contract what you consider to be inappropriate information for him to tell others so that he will not later question your judgment about what is and what isn’t shareable.
If you continue to complain without creating consequences, he likely will continue the behavior. Eventually you will be fed up to the point that the relationship may fail. Therefore, take your stand and stop it now.
Be strong. Do not allow this to continue. Make your lovemaking intimate, not material for public discussion. If you do not take the actions to stop it, then also quit complaining that he does it.