Q: When having sex with someone, what makes you fall in love with them? Is it possible to have sex without feelings?

A: If you think that a person will fall in love with you because s/he had sex with you, or if you think that because that person is having sex with you, s/he must feel something for you, then you won’t like my answer.

There are any number of reasons that a human being might wish to have sex. Make children. Boost ego. Reduce stress. Feel close. Prove virility. Feel attractive. Relieve boredom. Add a conquest. Have fun. Feel wanted. Exert power. Make money. Payback. Easy opportunity. The list could go on and on. Did you notice that very few, if any, of those motivations is connected to true love?

Biologically we are made to be sexual beings. A man or woman can have as many sexual partners as s/he can seduce and have no emotional or spiritual connection with any of them. Sex in and of itself does not cause one to fall in love and can, in fact, elicit a negative emotion that is anything but love. That negative feeling may range from fear to shame to hatred. The Old Testament tells the story of Amnon and how he convinced himself that he was intensely in love with his half sister Tamar. He tricked her into his house and raped her. Notice what the Bible says he felt for her after he had sex with her. “Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. ‘Get out of here!’ he snarled at her.” (2 Samuel 13:15)

While it is possible to fall in love with a person that you are sleeping with, it does not mean that s/he will reciprocally fall in love with you. Actually, sleeping with a person before you marry often carries negative consequences into the marriage. I’ll write more on that if anyone is interested.