Q: My husband had an affair. I just read your article on How to do an Intervention. The section on self-delusion helped me so much. While the affair was going on (but still unknown by me) I wrote in my journal daily about things like rationalizing, blaming, justifying, projecting. I felt he was doing those things but I had no idea why. Most of the time I felt like I was losing my mind and kept falling flat on my face before God asking Him to show me my sin. Since my discovery of the affair it has been a very tumultuous ride. After reading your article I can see that our children actually did somewhat of an intervention. After he chose to tell them that he was involved with another woman (candy-coating it and all the while justifying it by blaming me) they confronted him. They told him it had to stop and he could not work with her. He has stopped the affair. I believe that. I have chosen to stay in the marriage. We are working very hard, reading everything we can. I still feel that he would like to cover up what he has done and allow me to take the blame. For so long I have worked on being the best wife I could be for him and have worked diligently on the areas where I did not meet his needs. I know how much I want to be out of this pain. I often feel that I just want him to right the wrongs – especially all the hurtful things he said about me during the “projection” and “altered memory” phases. I am trying to wait on God knowing that it is really God who does this work and He clearly knows my needs better than I do. Do you think it would help in any way to share the phases of delusion with my close friends and family members who have watched me fall apart?
A: Thanks for your comments about the free intervention document I offer. (Others can find it here.) It is wonderful that your children had the courage and wisdom to do their intervention with your husband, refusing to accept his “candy coating” of the affair.
Your question isn’t as simple as it may first seem. The answer, in my opinion, is based on whether your husband is now opening up, being vulnerable, and telling you the truth. If he isn’t, the short answer is yes, find the support you need by talking with your close friends and family. No one can bear this burden alone.
On the other hand, if your husband is finally facing up to what he has done and is being open, honest, and vulnerable, you will stop that process dead in its tracks if your husband even suspects that you are sharing what he tells you with anyone else. When one person trusts another with his/her secrets, we lose that trust instantly and for a long time if we discover the secrets we shared are being shared with others. However, even in that case, you cannot bear this alone. Find a professional who cannot and will not share your husband’s secrets. Talk with him/her openly without fear of being a betrayer or of your husband covering up his emotions from you.
As to waiting for God to do this, what would have happened if your children had taken the same approach? They wouldn’t have done their intervention but would have waited for some act of God. We do need God to guide and to keep us in His loving hands. However, you will not be running ahead of God if you share your heart with your husband.
You may wish to come with your husband to one of our marriage intensives. During those three days he will discover a lot about himself; you will discover a lot about yourself (including NOT taking responsibility for anyone’s sinful decisions); and you both will learn how to make this marriage strong, vibrant, and loving despite what has occurred. You can find out more about that workshop here.