Is There Hope For Me To Stop Divorce?

QUESTION: I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to fight for someone who doesn’t want me or our marriage. This just isn’t any way to live. I can’t remember the last time I really laughed, I cry constantly, I’m sick of being sad. I’m sick of pretending to be happy around him, when I’m not at all, and he knows it’s an act. I’ve said before, and I say again, I’m sick of being the pawn in this hateful game of his. I know he wants a divorce; I can see it in his eyes, yet, he almost never leaves the house without saying “I love you.” It’s the only time he says it, but still, he’s says it. Why is he playing with me? What gives him that right? Why should I just take this crap? I’m more than just a mat for him to wipe his dirty shoes all over. I don’t want to be a statistic like my own parents, but I also can’t continue like this. He said tonight that it is overwhelmingly uncomfortable in this house. That’s putting it mildly. I have tried to make things ok, he won’t budge at all. Everyday gets worse and worse  and he gets more and more distant. I always thought I was a fighter, but I’m realizing I’m just a failure. I can’t imagine my life without him, but, again, I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve never been so lost, confused or heartbroken. Many people have told me to pray, fast, wait for and follow the signs God gives me. I’m so sad to say I’m losing faith. God forgive me, but I can’t help my feelings. I know this sounds very much like a poor pity me, and I apologize for that. I just wish I knew why he won’t love me anymore. Is there hope for me to stop divorce?

ANSWER: I understand your frustration. I really do.

The apostle Paul felt a similar frustration when he tried so hard but things kept going badly. He wrote, “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” (2 Corinthians 1:8-11)

It is your choice as to whether you continue to stand or put an end to this pain. If you choose to stand, notice the things Paul mentioned above:

1) pain leads us to rely on God more than at other times. He is still there and still cares vs. 9

2) take comfort in the trust that God will “deliver” vs. 10

3) whatever the situation, “on Him” set your hope “that He will continually deliver” vs.10

4) Paul was helped by the prayers of others to the point that he said “many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” vs 11 There are many who will pray for you. In our Save My Marriage group on Facebook, hundreds of people pray every day for those who post there. (For those who are not members of that group, please note it is a closed group. That means you ask to join. Only those in the group can see the posts of anyone in the group. Others on Facebook cannot.)

As to your feeling a failure, I understand that as well. I feel it at the end of every workshop we do for marriages in crisis. Though 3 out of 4 couples who attend our intensive workshop go on to salvage their marriages, 1 out of 4 do not. Yes, I feel failure because of those couples. However, I believe that you would tell me that it isn’t my responsibility to make their decisions, that I can’t change them, and that all I can do is the best I can even when that is imperfect. You would understand my feeling of failure, but you would assure me that it isn’t my fault. People make their own decisions.

Tell that to yourself, my friend. It’s just as applicable to you.

Your husband makes his choices. If you are a failure because his choices lead to pain for you, him, and others, then God would be a failure from the Garden of Eden. Those He loved and cared for made bad decisions that brought about pain for the entire world.

I don’t think you would call Him a failure because His children made bad choices and did wrong things.

Again, my friend, apply that to you.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

So is God.

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