Q: Read your blog “husband angry, unable to forgive.” Joe, this is my situation almost exactly; except my wife says she doesn’t love me and wants a divorce. I haven’t been the right kind of husband for years, but I thought I was, so I wouldn’t budge, and she detached herself from me and then the “mistake” came. HELP !!!
A: Forgive me if my assumption is wrong, but I assume the mistake you refer to is that your wife is (or has been) involved with another man. As you saw in my blog to which you refer, I don’t view that as a mistake but a very poor decision leading to wrong actions. Nevertheless, you say she wants to divorce you. Let’s talk about how you may be able to turn that around.
You admit that you “wouldn’t budge” over the years. Often we see that in men. The wife complains about the relationship, wanting more, but the husband tends to defend himself with, “Hey, I’m not running around on you, drinking to much, gambling, (whatever), so we have a good marriage.” While it is important that those type negative things do not occur, you cannot build a marriage by what you do NOT do. To build a marriage, or any type relationship, each person must do what it takes to make love grow. Leave it to itself, untended, and it slowly dies. Of course, you now know that, so forgive me for emphasizing the point. (I do so for others who have not yet found themselves in your situation.)
If your wife is a Christian or has strong moral values, you may wish to find people that she respects and get them to do an intervention to try to save your marriage. It is unlikely to work if you do the intervention, but if people she respects follow the guidelines in the link in the last sentence, it may well be possible to turn this situation around.
If not, you may wish to consider asking her if she will come with you to one of our weekend workshops for marriages in crisis. From what you write, it appears that she wouldn’t wish to come to save the marriage, but it is fascinating that many people will come for other reasons such as:
- being able to say they’ve tried everything,
- get a better deal in the divorce,
- get minister/parents/children/friends off their backs,
- clear their consciences,
- and many other reasons.
The wonderful thing is that even if they do not wish to be there, we still have a three out of four chance of saving their marriages if we can just get them into the workshop for all three days.
In the meantime, pray. Pray with all your heart, mind, and soul. Ask God to intervene and put blockades in the way of your divorce and create situations that can lead to the reconciliation of your marriage. Also, tell him honestly (don’t lie to the Father) that you WILL change as you learn how to be the husband you need to be.
In the meantime, for more information, call us at 866-903-0990 or click here.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.
Hello. I am a woman on the other side of this situation. My husband had been talking with other women and calling the local dating services for years. I would catch him threaten to leave, he would promise he would change and never do it again. It would be ok for a couple of weeks maybe as long as a couple of months and slowly but surely he would get caught again. 3 yrs ago I finally came accross his “Ad” in the local dating service phone site and heard that he was definatly looking to hook up with women for sex. He insists till this day he never was physical with another woman. Well it was the last straw for me. I wanted to seperate then and there but he would not allow it, so we stayed together. I thought maybe if I become more sexual (dont get me wrong I am as sexual as they come) like trying to fulfill his fantasies etc that he would not need the other women anymore. But it didnt work so I decided I wanted to find someone to care for me and want me! So I started cheating. At first it was all sexual because I thought thats what would help me to feel better about myself. Also I knew I was desired by many men and that bosted my confidence. Soon thought it was not enough and I found it making me feel more empty. So I would push my husband to go to counseling or try something to save us. Once he said yes and we started to see our Pastor. Well after 2 vists he had had enough. Then 2 days after out 13th anniversary I catch him talking to a woman from our son’s little league and thats when I decided in my mind it was over. It just happened that there was a new guy intrested in me so I gave him a chance. Needless to say 2 mos into the relationship I started having real feelings for this man. One day I didnt go home and told my husband I was with another man. He forced me to stay with him even though I wanted to leave. We again tried counseling with out Pastor and during the process me met another woman. I had had enough and made him leave. I got back with the other guy and it’s not been going on 5 mos. Well my husband guilted me again into coming back and I’m more miserable than ever. I’m hoping that a counselor will help him understand that it’s truly over for me and I’m just trying for the children and my parents. I’m sorry to all the men this has happened to and I take full blame for the things I have done and I know there were other ways to deal with the pain and things I was feeling, but this is the path I choose and now I desperatly want to be with this other man at all costs.