Question sent to Joe: “You answered a question for a woman on the Woody & Jim show on December 9th concerning the porn that her boyfriend was viewing on the Internet. I listened and it is exactly what I am going through with my husband of 20 years. Can you reply with the answer that you gave her? I need to show your comments to my husband so that he can see what an expert thinks of the feelings that I am having about his porn obsession.”
Reply: I will answer briefly here. If you wish to hear a recording of the call, go the Woody and Jim podcast page at http://www.1075theriver.com/cc-common/ondemand/ and you can find it from there.
Women tend to compare themselves to other women. If you doubt that, sit on a bench at the mall and watch people watch people. You’ll notice the occasional guy who ogles women, but I predict that if you pay attention you will notice that women look at women much more than men do. Just not for the same reason. I’ve asked the thousands of women who attend my seminars, “Do you look at other women, mentally compare yourself to them, and often feel that you come out second best?” The answer from every audience is an overwhelming yes. It seems to be a female trait. We could philosophize about the reasons: media, childhood experiences, self-esteem, etc. It really makes little difference why; the fact is that it just is.
Guys know this from the other angle. She asks if she is pretty. She asks how a certain piece of clothing makes her appear. She asks if he will ever marry again if anything happens to her. It is a need for assurance that he finds her attractive and still chooses her over all the other women he encounters.
Imagine what his watching porn does to that need for assurance.
One woman in Texas said it so eloquently years ago. I wish I had a recording because my paraphrase cannot begin to touch her poignant words. She commented that she wished she could have surgery from the top of her head to the end of her toes so that perhaps her husband would wish to look at her rather than those women on the Internet.
If a guy tells his beloved that the porn means nothing to him, I’d first argue that he’s not honest with himself. But be that as it may, hear me as I scream at the top of my lungs, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HER?” If you watch porn, I dare you to ask her for her honest answers to these questions:
“How do you feel about yourself when I look at porn?”
“What do you think about when you realize that I just watched porn?”
“Do you feel that I find their bodies more attractive than I find yours? If so, explain that to me so that I understand.”
“What does the porn lead you to feel about yourself sexually?”
“What does the porn lead you to feel about me sexually?”
The list could go on for pages but by now you get the idea. I haven’t discussed mental, emotional, or spiritual dimensions of porn, though I could. However, it should be enough just to know what it does to your mate. Claim all you wish that it is harmless, but if it diminishes the confidence, self-esteem, or well-being of your spouse, then it is most certainly not harmless.
If you wish me to speak to other aspects of porn — such as what it does to a relationship over time — just ask. The place to do that is https://joebeam.com/sex_advice_questions_answers_education.htm.