QUESTION: My husband ejaculates in a minute or two after we start making love. Even if it is every day or every other day. For 14 years. I said try for at least 5 minutes; he said he would like at least 10. I can understand if we were newlyweds or if it had been long time in between the times we made love. But every time? He doesn’t want to do it that fast. He says he isn’t too excited (sometimes I beg to differ LOL). Maybe it’s a sensitivity issue. Usually after it happens, he will get soft in a few minutes, leaving me stranded. That embarrasses him and it takes him awhile to get an erection again. He is almost 36 and I am 40. We are non-smoking, non-drinking, not overweight. How do we go about overcoming husband’s premature ejaculation? Help!
ANSWER: This question shows up often. I will share with you information about overcoming premature ejaculation – pharmaceuticals, methods, devices, and more. Before I answer, please allow me to muddy the waters with scientific ramblings. It’s what we do to show people how smart we are. Then I’ll deal with the problem directly.
Typically, people call the problem you describe as premature ejaculation. It’s studied all over the world, typically via a process called IELT (which stands for intravaginal ejaculation latency time – our scientific way of describing how long it takes a man to ejaculate after his penis penetrates the vagina). A 1990 study suggested that somewhere between 16% and 38% of men across all age groups ejaculate prematurely. Though there has been disagreement as to when ejaculation actually is premature, NewsRx Health reported in a 2010 issue that “In 2008, the International Society for Sexual Medicine presented an evidence-based definition of PE [premature ejaculation] as agreed upon by a consensus of the world’s leading sexual health experts: a male sexual dysfunction characterized by ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration; and inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations; and negative personal consequences, such as distress, bother, frustration and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy. Currently, there are no prescription therapies approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to treat premature ejaculation.”
You say that your husband lasts about 2 minutes IELT (don’t you love my scientific jargon…in other words, you say he ejaculates about two minutes after entering your vagina). Though the quote above sets the limit at one minute for it to be “premature,” I think it reasonable to say that your mention of your husband’s embarrassment and your dissatisfaction “‘leaving me stranded” makes a case for a sexual problem whether it meets the International Society for Sexual Medicine’s definition of premature ejaculation or not.
In my work with couples, I tend to ignore the stopwatch and instead view premature ejaculation as a man’s ejaculating before he or she wants him to. I realize that is rather simplistic and would never work as a description for research. However, it works for me and I think works for your situation.
Pharmaceuticals for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation
Studies abound internationally for either a topical cream, a pill, or some medical intervention that will prolong IELT. Currently, some physicians prescribe SSRI’s such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and Celexa to help men last longer. (Look them up online to see the generic versions.) Perhaps the most common of these used for PE is Zoloft. Other doctors are hesitant because of side effects and potential problems from chronic long-term use of those medicines. A 2012 study in the International Journal of Impotence Research (“Deleterious effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor treatment on semen parameters in patients with lifelong premature ejaculation” ) indicated that the SSRI’s can increase IELT but also may have a negative effect on the man’s sperm.
The Canadian Urological Association Journal published a 2012 article (“Evolving therapeutic strategies for premature ejaculation: The search for on-demand treatment – topical versus systemic”) indicating the effectiveness of two medicines designed for premature ejaculation that studies indicate are very effective.
One is dapoxetine, which is marketed under the names Priligy, Kutub, or Duratia. Unlike other SSRI’s this one seems to have little negative effect on libido, though as with every medicine there are side effects that some people will experience. Though it has been approved in other countries, it has NOT been approved by the FDA in the USA. Supposedly, it is in process of FDA approval. Though, it is available online from Canadian and other foreign sites, I strongly urge people not take it unless their physicians approve. Personally, I would be EXTREMELY cautious about buying it online. Some online “pharmaceutical” sites are VERY suspect as to what you actually get.
The other the article mentions is PSD502 which is applied to the penis five minutes before penetration. As of yet, in the USA the FDA has not approved it, though it has been studied with good results in several countries. The pharmaceutical company that developed it presented data in 2010 to 2010 American Urological Association (AUA) Annual Meeting in San Francisco that indicates men with premature ejaculation averaging .6 minutes (36 seconds) IELT who used it in a trial increased their IELT 5.5 fold. That’s quite significant. When that becomes available in the USA via FDA approval, I imagine it will sell extremely well, assuming that it does not also delay the female’s time to orgasm.
Methods for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation
Some people find the squeeze technique effective. As with most methods, it requires the man’s recognition of when he nears inevitability. That’s the point a man reaches when orgasm is going to happen no matter what; it’s unstoppable. The man has to realize when he is nearing that point. Far enough before your husband reaches the point of inevitability that he still has control, have him withdraw his penis from your vagina. Put your thumb on his frenulum. That’s the strip of skin on the front of the glans or head of the penis. Put your index finger on the other side of the glans. Put your middle finger just below your index finger, but low enough that it is on the shaft rather than the glans or head. Squeeze tightly. For some men that works to move him back from inevitability.
Others find a thumping technique to work better. In that method, he withdraws before reaching the point of inevitability. Rather than using her fingers to squeeze his penis, she instead thumps his frenulum sharply with her middle finger, flicking it with intensity. It doesn’t hurt as much as you imagine, and for some men removes the need to ejaculate.
An ancient Chinese method has the man telling his wife when he is nearing inevitability. Rather than withdrawing, she curls her three middle fingers and presses them intensely into his perineum. The perineum is the area between his testicles and anus. By placing enough pressure in the right spot, she may move him away from inevitability. Typically, this spot is not easy to find, so it is best for the couple to practice by his masturbating with her lying beside him. When he directs her she curls her fingers and tries different spots with different degrees of pressure until she finds the one that moves him back from inevitability. As with all these exercises, some work with some men and some don’t. Unfortunately, with this one, some men find that the pressure leads to immediate ejaculation. If that happens, you have to try again later in a different fashion…
Though there are more exercises – and you may be creative and discover one together that no one has thought of – these are the more common ones. One other thing to mention is that some men solve their problem by masturbating before making love to their spouses. Based on how long it usually takes them to become erect again, they judge how much time before the lovemaking session to do this. The men who find this successful do so because having already orgasmed desensitizes them to some degree so that when they make love with their wives they do not orgasm so quickly.
Devices for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation
I must point out that it very likely will help both of you if you can find ways to satisfy you before he attempts penetrating your vagina with his penis. Whether he helps you orgasm by using his fingers, mouth, or a device, it will be a benefit to you both if you can have at least one orgasm before he enters you. It may help for you to have several before he enters you.
If you prefer having intravaginal sensations as you orgasm, consider either his placing several fingers inside you as he stimulates your clitoris in one of the methods mentioned, OR by placing a dildo within you. A dildo is a device that has similarity to a penis. They can be purchased without going to a pornographic site. If you check out Amazon.com carefully, you will find quite an assortment there. Try to buy one that Amazon ships directly so that you don’t wind up on someone’s email list that you don’t want to be on. Dildos are made in various materials. For example, some are solid. Others are made with a material that simulates human skin. If you think you may wish to use one of these as your husband makes love to you, read the ratings on Amazon carefully. Users will tell you quite a bit about whether you might like the device. Additionally, some dildos have vibrators within then and some do not. Either is fine. The idea is not to replace your husband with such a device, but to have intravaginal sensations as you orgasm BEFORE he penetrates you with his penis. That removes any psychological pressure from him that he needs to last long enough for you to orgasm.
Be aware that if part of his PE comes from getting too excited, he may orgasm before he enters you if you get very excited from his stimulating your clitoris and/or penetrates you with a dildo while doing so. If that happens, make sure that neither of you reacts negatively to the occurrence. If he orgasms, move to kissing and cuddling for a while. Then have him begin to stimulate you again. If a particular method of stimulating you excites him too much – such as using his mouth, for example – then have him do it a different way, such as with fingers only. As you become excited again, you will see that he will slowly regain his erection. There is a strong likelihood that he will not ejaculate as rapidly so soon after having his previous orgasm. The fact that he had the previous orgasm may actually work in your favor.
When you have had as many orgasms as you wish, then have him enter you. If he ejaculates rapidly, you can still both be satisfied because of your previous orgasms.
One other matter to consider, if it appeals to both of you. Some of the dildos offered on Amazon are hollow. A man can place his penis inside them. If you choose one like that, it is likely better than you choose one that also comes with a harness to hold it on. If he ejaculates sooner than he wishes after entering you the way you normally do things, have him place his penis inside the hollow dildo (it makes no difference if it is totally flaccid or totally erect),l hood the harness around him, and continue to have intercourse with you. There are several potential advantages from doing this. First, if you are capable of having an orgasm from penile penetration, you can orgasm from his penetrating you in this fashion. Second, it gives you a way to continue to make love with kissing, caressing, looking into each other’s eyes, and more. Third, if you find the experience exciting, it may lead him to another erection as he has intercourse with you wearing the dildo. He may finally orgasm while still wearing it. He will experience different physical sensations then if his naked penis were in your vagina, of course, but he can still experience pleasure and still enjoy intercourse with you. This, in turn, may in time lead to his being able to last longer while having intercourse with you without wearing the device.
Of course, if wearing such a device harms his self-esteem or makes him feel unmanly or any other negative emotion, do NOT try that method. If, on the other hand, you both can make a game out of it and have fun with it, it can become part of your sexual play that enhances the experience for both of you. (You can even role play. You call him some special name when he wears it that you both find funny and erotic.)
Why would I even suggest something so ridiculous? Because taking mental and emotional pressure away from the lovemaking experience may be enough to lengthen IELT. Besides, lovemaking is always better when it is fun. It nearly always has problems when either person worries that something won’t happen as you wish it to.
New Product Coming Soon
We are Beam Research Center just finished filming a new series for couples to use at home to enhance their sex lives. In addition to teaching, we have actor couples talking out various sexual problems and scenarios that exist in real life. We also have three PhD friends of mine give valid information and discuss important matters about how men and women are different sexually. We tie it all together with a vivacious host. It will be available soon. Twelve chapters that are about 35 minutes each on DVD at an amazing low price. If you wish to get on the mailing list to know when the product is available, please send me an email with the subject line PLEASURES and I’ll email you the information in just a few weeks. Email me at info@JoeBeam.com. I may even offer a discount to those who contact me first!