Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?
A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.
First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.
Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.
So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.
In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.
Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.
If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.