Question received via email:
When a spouse has a particular sexual interest (toe sucking or biting during sex for example [mine I will refrain from mentioning!]), provided there’s nothing biblically wrong with it yet the other spouse has absolutely no interest in it and refuses to even try it, what is the couple to do? Specifically, the “special” interest is far, far more a turn on than sex itself. Without it, I’m left longing and desiring almost every day of my life with no fulfillment though knowing there are millions out there with the same interest. It can be very discouraging and frustrating. But, when you don’t engage in sexual activity before marriage, a person doesn’t know the sexual interests of their spouse. This has left us (at least me) very sexually void.
Answer: There is no short answer to this question, but the question itself is extremely important. In one form or another I hear it from each gender, all ages, and every religion (or lack of religion). Sometimes the spouse thinks that the requested act is wrong, if not Biblically, at least morally, naturally, or, if nothing else, just from the “yuck” factor.
For example, I’ve had people argue with me that some sex act is wrong because animals don’t do it, which leads them to believe that it’s unnatural. One radio host attacked me because I wouldn’t say that oral sex is sinful. He made the animal argument — no animals do that, he claimed — and freaked out when I pointed out to him that some primates, such as Bonobos, do. Actually, the whole animal argument is dumber than dirt. If we choose to decide what is natural sex or unnatural sex based on animal behavior, things get pretty interesting in a hurry: many mates in one day, lesbian activity, killing offspring to bring a female into estress (heat), adult to non-adult sexual activity, and many more things take place in various species that I think many religious folks would not approve of.
Of course, some think that the Bible condemns one sexual act or another because they have heard that from other religious folks. All to often those beliefs came first and then someone found a Scripture that might be twisted to suggest they were correct. In actuality, Biblically speaking, unacceptable sexual activity occurs when:
1. Someone other than one’s spouse is involved
2. Any animal is involved.
3. Harm is done to one or both partners.
Other than that, there is a wide variety of sexual acts that even the most conservative person could participate in with his/her spouse and enjoy every moment of it. I won’t list all the possibilities here; actually I doubt that I can think of all the possibilities.
But that doesn’t solve the problem of the person who sent the question. It was a he, if you’re interested, but I get the same kinds of questions from women as well. His problem is that he wants to do something that his wife doesn’t want to do; she “has absolutely no interest in it and refuses to even try it.” If she doesn’t have a religious qualm about it, and if she doesn’t view it as unnatural or immoral (an assumption I make based on his wording), then likely what is occurring is the “yuck factor,” hereafter referred to as the YF. The YF ranges from “only trashy people do things like that” to “I think I would upchuck if I did that.”
I decided to develop an instrument to measure the YF and am in the process of doing so at the moment. Watch for information about it in this blog. In the meantime, here are a couple suggestions:
1. If your spouse isn’t interested in or avoids a sexual act that you desire, find out why. This means that you MUST not be judgmental, defensive, or persuasive as s/he provides reasons. The goal is not to convince but to understand. If your spouse doesn’t want to answer the question, then you have more communication or relationship problem than you may realize. The problem is more than just desire/avoidance of a sexual act.
2. If your souse will give you reasons, try to examine those reasons on two axes. The first is a line ranging from “this is not okay to do” to “this is okay to do.” My new instrument will provide a way to measure that. In the meantime, if s/he leans toward the “not okay” side, help him/her figure out why s/he feels that it isn’t okay. Where did that belief or opinion come from? Again, no argument, interrogation, or persuasion. Just try to understand as you help him/her understand.
3. The second axis is a line ranging from “I desire this” to “I am repulsed by this.” Continue with the same methodology in number 2 above.
When you discover why your spouse doesn’t want to do the act, both in terms of whether s/he believes it okay to do and how s/he personally feels about it, at least you now have a starting point. I hate to say it again, but as soon as I finish the model I’ll show you how to go from there. At this point, I leave you with this advice:
If s/he is on the “not okay” and “I’m repulsed” side of those lines, you should NOT press this matter. It will only make things worse.
If s/he is on the “okay” and “I desire it” side of those lines, but only barely there, proceed with tenderness, understanding, and patience. You can get what you want but you first have to make it safe, pleasant, and by no means a situation where s/he feels pushed or forced. Take your time and go as slowly as s/he wishes as you advance toward the goal.
Well, there is more — much more — that should be said on this topic. Ask more about it, and I’ll give deeper answers.
A QUICK MESSAGE TO THE HESITANT SPOUSE: If your spouse wants a particular sexual act that you are opposed to because of your own YF (yuck factor), the better part of love says that you should learn to do that for him/her. It may take time, but satisfying a spouse is an important thing to do as long as it doesn’t violate your own sense of morality or religious beliefs.