QUESTION: If your spouse does not give you what you need, is it better (or more damaging) to expect your spouse to live up to your need or to lower your standard? For example – my husband and I were having an issue. As we tried to figure out why I react the way I do, some very painful things from my past were brought to mind. I already know that he is terrible at empathy, but eventually he tried to comfort me, and even offered to pray for me. I was very touched by this, but when he started to pray, his prayer was actually more about himself, how he feels like he is being attacked by Satan, and how even what’s going on with me is affecting him. In the end, I did not have any of my needs met, but I do know that he was trying. He was sincere and I appreciated the effort. My question: Is it better for me to not expect him to meet my needs and appreciate the effort, or frustrate him by letting him know? I know that you are very busy and I appreciate it in advance if you are able to clarify this!
ANSWER: The times it makes sense to lower an expectation is when the expectation is not reasonable or the other person cannot fulfill it. Let me illustrate with an extreme example: I remember a marriage falling apart a few years ago because the husband expected his wife to make love to him several times every day. That expectation probably could not be fulfilled even during a short honeymoon. It certainly cannot be fulfilled in the course of regular life where both work, children need taking care of, and all of life tumbles in. She felt strong resentment because of the physical pain she suffered from the constant activity and the emotional pain she felt from being treated as a sexual object rather than a loved companion. No one could convince him that his expectations were unreasonable. He continued to demand; she finally divorced him.
From your description, it does not appear that your expectation was unreasonable or one that he could not fulfill. (If you think it might be unreasonable, ask a wise older couple for their opinion. Maybe even a counselor.)
When a person lowers a reasonable expectation, I think both people lose. The one lowering or abandoning the expectation tends to get frustrated. The other spouse typically does not know why the other is frustrated. No one wins; everyone loses.
In a situation such as the one you described, I suggest that you don’t lower your expectations. Instead you graciously teach the other person how to give you what you need. The way that could have worked in the situation you described would be like this: After he prayed, you thank him for praying, and then gently explain to him how you needed him to pray for you – teaching him specifically – and then ask him to pray again. If you do something like that gently and without appearing to chastise or judge, he is very likely to hear what you want and need. Wanting him to spontaneously or naturally know how to do that is not fair. As you pointed out, he meant well and was sincere. He did not know how to give you what you needed. Therefore, you should teach him rather than expecting him to figure it out.
Remember, the greatest acts of love are not the ones done naturally, but the ones that a person does just for you though it is not his nature. It is not what he does naturally, but he wants to give you what you need. That is the example of Jesus going to the cross. He didn’t want to do it, and prayed profusely in the garden that God find some other way. He did not do it because He wanted to but because WE needed it. That was the greatest act of love ever known. So rather than being unhappy that your husband does not do something because he thought of it…or being angry because he did it only because you wanted it…put it in the proper perspective and realize that those type actions are the greatest examples of love. He is not doing what feels good to him; he is doing what feels good to you. That is true love.
Therefore, teach your husband. Ask him to teach you. When by nature one of you does not give the other what s/he needs, be patient enough to explain and ask. That is love in action.