Q: Last night my husband told me that we haven’t had foreplay since we have been married. I am stunned by this, but not completely in that I know I can’t live up to his Internet porn fantasies. I’m married to an admitted sexual addict. What do I do?
A: Being married to an admitted sexual addict is tough, especially when you feel that he is comparing your lovemaking actions with those of people in porn.
You are so right when you say that you cannot live up to his “Internet porn fantasies.” No one can. I’m pretty sure that if he were married to a “porn star” she couldn’t live up to them either. Unless a person has an addiction, an emotional problem, sexual dysfunction, or mood disorder, she doesn’t have sex all day long every day, yet in a porn movie she (or he) has sex with a new partner doing new things every time the scene changes. It makes it appear that these actors will do anything with anyone at anytime and anywhere. However, because they are actual human beings, that isn’t the case. They perform for the camera, collect their checks, and go home. As they get older, they typically get out of porn — at least the acting part — and move on to something else.
So, yes, it is a fantasy for everyone involved. I once asked a stripper that I was trying to help how it felt to have such power over men. She replied that it is all a fantasy based on financial transactions. That pretty well sums it up. Porn actors have frenetic sex on camera whenever they get a paying role. “High class” call girls sometimes pretend to be girlfriends as well as sexual partners if the client is wealthy enough to afford her service. It’s not about sex; it’s about money. One person pays another to play a role and if the pay is good enough, they play it enthusiastically. But it’s acting, not relating, caring, or loving.
Are some of these folks in the adult industry (or amateurs on the Internet) suffering from addictions, emotional problems, sexual dysfunctions (such as hyperactive sexual drive disorder), or mood disorders? Sure. These folks will have sex on camera (or whatever) without necessarily being paid, but whoever lives with them has a miserable life interacting with a person with such problems. They don’t need more sex; they need professional help to learn to love themselves in the right way. If your husband were married to one of them, they would at first feed their sexual addictions and then generally destroy each other emotionally.
I wrote all that to affirm what you already know in your mind, but I hope to make sure you know it in your heart: You are not the problem and you should NOT try to be what he wants you to be in terms of these fantasies. Being a good lover is important in a marriage, but fulfilling sexual obsessions can hurt more than it helps.
I suggest that you demand that he find a local group of Sexaholics Anonymous and attend regularly. Our seminar for troubled marriages can be extremely helpful as well.