Q: I am a 67 old woman–widowed–I have been dating a 71 year old widower for 2 years—I believe it is wrong to live in a sexual relationship before marriage–no matter what age you are or what your circumstances are–He on the other hand thinks it is okay because we have both been married before–and are older and more mature, and etc. We have broken up numerous times because of this issue–but really are attracted to each other–I think we love each other–but I am not ready to get married again –at least not right now–is it wrong to keep seeing him -knowing he wants more from me–He keeps pushing me to travel with him and make our relationship more intimate– I am really torn–because I want to be with him–but I want my independence and want to practice my moral values—I do not find this particular issue addressed in many places–could you please give me some advice on how to handle this situation? Thank you
A: It seems that when one person wishes to do what another person wishes not to do, they can be very creative with their arguments — even if the arguments really don’t address the matter at hand. For example, what difference does it make if you are older or that you have been married before or that you have had sex previously in your life? Do any of those things change your belief system about right and wrong? In short, the man wants you and is finding whatever words he can that might influence you to yield. However, you stated that YOU believe that it’s wrong to be in a sexual relationship outside of marriage no matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. If that is what you believe, then stick to your beliefs.
Integrity is the willingness to surrender everyone and everything for one precious jewel — to know within “I did what was right.”
I wrote the above sentence a couple years ago, had it printed elegantly on special paper, framed it, and gave it to each of my three daughters for Christmas. If they learn nothing else in life from me but that one principle, I did my job well.
So at age 67, why would you want to sacrifice your own integrity by violating your own beliefs? If you are sure that you do not yet wish to be married again, and also firm in your belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then your suitor either has to back off entirely on his wanting you to have sex with him, or you need to send him on his way. Why? Because usually even the strongest person finally will yield if pressed long enough. Decide what is more important to you; his companionship or your inner peace.
Then act accordingly.