Q: “Hello I was wondering is it OK for me to talk about sex with my fiance before we are married? I have heard it said this is important so that we know what our expectations are, is this right? How far is it OK for us to go in our conversation as a Christian couple who are not yet married without it being sin?”
A: Before a couple marries, there are several matters that should be discussed in detail. Sex is one of the areas, but other areas are just as important. We often see couples after marriage that have major problems because each brought different expectations to the relationship. Some of the areas that need to be talked about openly and deeply are (in no particular order):
- Children — How many do we want? When do we want to have them?
- Location — Where do we plan to live? How do we make sure that we both always agree wholeheartedly on where we live?
- Money — What kind of employment do we expect? What budget should we set? Who makes decisions about what? Where is the nearest Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class that we can enroll in?
- In-laws — What interactions with us are our parents going to have? Where will we go for holidays? Who settles a problem if a parent or relative needs talking to?
- Religion — What religion will we practice? If we are of different religions or churches, which one will our children be raised in? What level of involvement do we expect from each other in spiritual matters?
- Disagreement — What ground rules do we set for when we disagree? How will we find compromise when we do not agree?
- Respect — How do each of you wish to be treated? What will you do if one of you treats the other in a controlling way, or as an inferior? How doe we keep our marriage egalitarian throughout our lives?
- Existing children or ex-spouses from previous marriages — What interaction will there be? What responsibilities and opportunities do EACH of us have in dealing with these children? The ex?
- Recreation and time together — How much time do we spend together? What are our boundaries about friends and activities when we are not together?
- Housekeeping — Who will do what? What are the expectations about cleanliness, order, etc.?
and many other areas…
However, you ask specifically about sex.
Yes, sex should be discussed. I recommend you discuss all the following. There is one careful consideration I will mention at the end.
- Past sexual experiences that were voluntary — Probably best not to mention names and too many specifics, but it will behoove you to know about each other’s sexual pasts BEFORE you marry. I have seen couples divorce when one found out about the other’s past later in marriage. Deal with that up front.
- Past sexual experiences that were not voluntary — Rape, abuse, etc.
- Sexual fantasies and desires — The things that you each have yearned for. Better to get those on the table now than to argue over them later.
- Sexual expectations and sexual fears — The ideas and concepts each of you bring to the marriage about what sex in marriage should be like. Include things that either of you do not want to even consider. Make a list of all sexual activities you can think of – whether either of you wishes to do them or not – and discuss them openly to find where the boundaries are for each of you. If you agree an area is interesting or plausible for the two of you, move it to a “sexual expectations” column. Keep those for later. If either of you has a problem with an item, move it to the “discussion column.” If either of you strongly object to an item, move it to the “do not consider column.”
- Sexually explicit material — Previous porn use by either of you. How you think that affects you now and how you think it might affect your marriage.l
- Willingness to teach each other sexually — Will you agree that you will each be very open about teaching the other to love you as you wish to be loved sexually?
and more…
If you plan to have these open discussions about sex, make sure that you both have the willpower to restrain from acting on them before marriage. Talking explicitly about things will “rev up the desire” and if you cannot control that, put boundaries in place so that you cannot act on them immediately. For example, you may wish to talk about them in the secluded corner of a restaurant and have definite social plans with others that will happen right on the heels of your conversation so that you cannot do anything about your conversation.
In short, many things need to be discussed. Make sure that the discussion helps rather than hinders.
If in any of your discussions — sexual or not — you have conflict, seek professional help now. Don’t thing they will go away or get better on their on.