Because I am in the marriage business, often I get calls from ministers around the country who want a professional consultation (but apparently cannot afford a professional, so they call me). One call was from the Senior Minister and Associate Minister who sat together in a church office and talked with me over a speakerphone.
“We’re trying to decide whether to tell her to separate for a while or to stay with him. We’re thinking that if we can get them apart, they’ll both calm down and then we can work on their problems without so much drama. What do you think?
I think they were surprised by my answer, but by the end of our conversation they agreed with me. I informed them that I only recommend separation if it is a matter of safety. That might mean the safety of a spouse. It might mean the safety of a child. It might mean physical safety. It might mean emotional or spiritual safety. I never recommend that a person continue to live with another person who is abusive physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Abuse destroys the person being abused. I’ve never believed that God calls on us to stay in a marriage to our own destruction, or the destruction of our children.
For all other cases, I recommend that the couple stay together and work out their problems. Why? Because when problems exist, as soon as the couple parts there is a sense of peace. They’re not arguing. Not working out compromises. Not having to face their problems. Can separation help calm a situation? Sure. I’ve just seen it too many time where they calmed so much that one or both lost the motivation to work on the problems and save the marriage.
Therefore, in my opinion, couples should stay together through their crisis so that they can and will do what needs to be done to solve their problems. Unless, of course, one needs to leave for safety.
What has experience — yours or others — taught you about this?