It only took a few minutes of watching them react before I interrupted with a question, “Why do you treat her as if she’s a child?” He reacted with surprise. She reacted with relief. And appreciation. For years she had tried to tell him that his constantly criticizing her thoughts, actions, and emotions were destroying her. He always replied that he was doing nothing of the kind. Putting it into different language drew him up short and finally he saw what he was doing.
Every time she made a comment, he told her what was wrong with her logic, wording, or interpretation. He never actually called her stupid, but he communicated as clearly as anyone could. Whenever she told him how she felt about something, he would tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way and then proceeded to tell her what she would feel.
He had moved into the realm of acting as if he were the parent and she were the child. He saw it as just being straightforward and honest. She saw it as a continual slur against her intelligence, education, maturity, and spirituality.
I told him the only chance he had of salvaging his troubled marriage was to stop doing that to her and treat her as his equal in every way. She pointed out that he didn’t have to agree with her, but that she would feel respected if he could only say, “I don’t see it that way, but I can see why you do. I respect your view.”
Sounds simple doesn’t it? I’ve seen it destroy more marriages than you could imagine.
Including theirs.
He didn’t change his behavior toward her; she finally changed his exposure to her. They’ve been divorced for some time. Not too long ago she married a man who treats her with respect and dignity. She’s now happy and living life large. Her ex-husband is alone and lonely. Interestingly, he still believes he had nothing to do with their breakup and it was all her fault.
What do you think?