Believe me when I tell you that not all crisis marriages I encounter are in trouble because of an affair. There are many, many reasons that marriages fall into the pits.
At the same time, surely you know that infidelity is rampant. Dr. Bill Harley tells me that he believes that 60% of all marriages will be affected by an extramarital affair sometime in the course of the marriage. I tend to think that number is right. Note that it doesn’t mean 60% of people, but 60% of marriages. It might be him. It might be her. It could be both.
I listened again recently to a man who loves his wife deeply as he tried to understand why she had an affair. We talked for a while about the various reasons, how good people sometimes do bad things, and how a couple could get past something like that. I knew it was coming so I didn’t rush it. He’d get to it on his own without my directing him there. He said, “You know the worst part? It’s that I know she chose another man over me. I love her with all my heart. I could never be unfaithful to her. But in having her affair she made it plain that he is more important to her than I am. How can I ever get past this pain?”
She admits she is still in love with the guy, though at the same time she wants to live up to her Christianity and save her marriage. It’s not an unusual occurrence. I regularly work with people just like her. And just like her husband. She’s trying her best to be honest with him about everything — which has to happen if they are to make it — but, as always happens in these situations, her honesty rips him apart. He wants to know the truth but he doesn’t want to believe it. His heart shreds with every new bit of information.
My job is to help them get through it and have a better marriage afterward than they ever had before.
First I do everything I can to get the straying mate to tell the truth. Truth is crucial. The offended spouse nearly always says something like, “He lied to me. I can’t believe he lied to me! I don’t know if I can ever forgive that.” I gently ask them what they expect a person violating his morals and vows to do. Of course, he’ll lie. At least at the outset. As much as that hurts, that’s part of the pattern. People typically try to cover their guilt, or at least delay the consequences, by lying. Whenever the unfaithful spouse starts telling the truth, it is a major step in saving the marriage. It’s also the point where the other spouse hurts most. They allow themselves to become furious that they were lied to. Then, when they finally understand that at least now the truth is told which means they can save the marriage, that next phase hits hard. “You chose him over me.”
That’s why the second thing I do is to help both partners understand that each has to face the pain rather than pretending that it’s not there. They have to face whatever led to the affair — not blaming, but examining and understanding. Then they have to face the pain of rejection (on the part of the offended spouse) and the pain of decision (on the part of the offending spouse). If the affair was primarily sexual, the decision usually isn’t hard. If the affair began as a friendship that grew into love, the decison may be extremely difficult.
Trying to pretend that any of those emotions don’t exist leads directly to divorce. As agonizing as it is, real healing cannot take place without dealing honestly with real emotions. The problem, of course, is that most don’t know how to deal with either the emotions or the pain. Typically if friends or family get invovled, most adviced is highly prejudiced and, if heeded, will much more likely to lead to divorce than healing.
Should a couple pretend it didn’t happen? That she didn’t love the other man? That everything will gradually become wonderful if they ignore what happened and what each feels?
Of course not. Instead they need the right environment — one of safety — and a great deal of compassion demonstrated clearly to each of them, no matter who did what first. Offered the right emotional support, coached to deal with their raw emotions, and given the right tools, they can grow through the pain and have a better marriage than they had before. I know it’s true. I’ve witnessed it repeatedly over nearly a decade with couples of nearly every age, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic status, or history.
Sure it hurts. Divorcing usually hurts even more. If you wish to help, I offer my services. Click here to request more information on my seminar for troubled marriages.