The last few blogs considered forgiveness. If you read them you recall that…
- Forgiveness frees you, not the person you forgive.
- Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion, and you can make that decision in spite of what you feel.
- Forgiveness involves making two decisions.
- Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.
Yet forgiveness often includes reconciliation. When it does, the results may be beautiful or they may be brutal. It seems the difference lies in how the reconciliation is done. Over the next several blogs I will share six steps to reconciliation that were gleaned from scientific research on the subject of forgiveness and reconciliation. Some steps can be explained in one blog. Some will take a few blogs.
Step One — Decide Whether To Reconcile.
Reconciliation goes better if one thinks through whether it is the right thing to do.
Likely we’ve all witnessed the person that continues to forgive and take back a spouse or lover that repeatedly strays, abuses, or abandons. Little changes occur from one event to the next, yet that person accepts the other back into their lives even when every friend or family member warns that the same things will happen again. Usually there are psychological and emotional forces at work in these situations, and therapy may be the only way to stop the repetitive destructive reconciliation. However, if the offended spouse could look at the situation objectively, they would understand that reconciliation in those kinds of repeated hurts isn’t wise emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The problem is that they aren’t making a decision as to whether or not to reconcile; their reconciliation is a foregone conclusion. The harmful person knows that and takes advantage of it as often as they wish.
On the other hand, we’ve likely all witnessed the person that causes harm to self by refusing to reconcile. Pain is real. Hurt runs deep. Forgiving can be extremely hard. Yet sometimes the best course of action is to overcome the pain, not only by forgiving, but by reconciling. Refusing to reconcile with a penitent person quite often leads to more pain. For example, if man committed adultery, came to his senses, and asked his wife to forgive him and take him back, she is the one who decides whether to grant that forgiveness and reconciliation. It is her right to refuse to take him back. However, the decision to refuse reconciliation often isn’t one made by careful deliberation, but by influence of family or friends who are mad at the straying spouse, or by he hurt spouse’s pain screaming louder than logic. I always try to get any hurt person to realize that it is unlikely to get sage counsel from family or friends. They hurt because you hurt. They want to punish the person who hurt you. Therefore, their advice has a strong likelihood of being prejudiced against any potential reconciliation. They don’t want to see you hurt again and they want the “bad person” to reap bad things. Letting their hurt (or your hurt) make a decision that will affect the rest of your life isn’t the best way to handle things.
I recall one woman whose husband strayed saying, “I can’t listen to my friends any longer. This is the second affair. They want me to metaphorically castrate him in every legal and emotional way possible.” When I asked what she intended to do in response, she said, “I told them I have enough hurt of my own and don’t need to add theirs.” Very wise.
By the way, she and her husband eventually reconciled and they now serve in the kingdom again as minister and wife. No more affairs.
But how could she be sure that he wouldn’t stray again?
She couldn’t. As with many who have forgiven and reconciled with spouses, she saw it this way, “There are no guarantees in life. How would I know that the next guy I married wouldn’t stray? I decided my husband was a good man who did a bad thing; not a bad man that did a bad thing. That gave me the courage to take the risk.” (Note: they are happy together for many years now. No more straying.)
My wife Alice says something very similar when people ask her why she took me back after our divorce many years ago. She says, “I knew that in his heart Joe was a very good man who did a very bad thing.” That gave her the courage to reconcile. We’re coming up on our 24th anniversary of the second marriage and are doing quite well, thank you.
May I suggest four questions to ask yourself when you are trying to decide whether to reconcile?
First, “Is it emotionally and physically safe?”
If the answer is no, seriously consider not reconciling until you know the answer is yes. For example, don’t go back to an abuser until the abuser has gotten the proper help and has overcome that behavior. (That includes physical, sexual, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse.)
Second, “What do your beliefs and values indicate you should do?”
If you are a Christian, for example, and you want only to hurt the person that hurt you, then consider that behavior as inconsistent with your beliefs and values. Remember that Jesus asked God to forgive those hurting Him…well, at least the ones that didn’t understand the extent of what they were doing. If your beliefs and values tell you to forgive the penitent person who hurt you, you likely do well in the long-run to live by those belief and values rather than in contradiction to them.
Third, “What are the costs if you don’t reconcile?”
Think not only about yourself but about your children. Will they do better if you can reconcile? What about your larger family? His or her family? And, though it doesn’t seem to be in vogue to ask this question these days, what are the costs to the kingdom of God is you don’t reconcile? When you do think in terms of self, think about finances, loneliness, likelihood of what your life will be like in the future if you don’t reconcile. Don’t hurt yourself, your children, your family, or the kingdom just to cause pain to the person who hurt you. It isn’t worth it.
Fourth, “What are the benefits if you do reconcile?”
Similar to question three, think not only of yourself but your children, family, the kingdom, and more. My wife Alice points out the value to the kingdom in her taking me back all those years ago. Literally thousands of marriages have been saved by the ministry we do together that would not have occurred if we had not gotten back together. She also speaks about the tremendous advantage to our children that came from our reconciliation. When she thinks about herself, it is simple. She loves me. I love her. We are best friends. The benefits outweighed potential costs.
Obviously, as the forgiven one who was able to reconcile with my wife, I have some emotional prejudice here. However, at the same time, I am totally against people going back into harmful relationships when nothing has been done to correct the harm. Regardless of what I think, the important thing is what you think.
Would it be better in the long-term to reconcile or to completely cut ties?
It’s your choice.
Next blog we move to step two.