In a previous blog, we discussed the first of six steps that facilitate reconciliation.
If a person decides to reconcile a relationship where damage has been done by either or both persons, it is essential to do step two. It is the most important, though the most challenging, aspect of reconciliation.
Be aware that this reconciliation series bases in the premise that both parties wish to reconcile. If either is not sure, they should read the blog Reconciliation – Part 1.
Step Two — Softness
Reconciliation cannot occur until harshness and hardness are brought under control. It is tough to do because people tend to harden their defenses to minimize additional injury. Hardening emotions, allowing anger to seethe, and even attacking the other person in some fashion are methods for not feeling as much pain. Rather than dwelling on your hurt, the focus becomes hurting the other. While a natural human reaction, it is not the best reaction, and often results in more pain in the longer term.
Why Do We Act Harshly Toward the Other?
People tend to focus on their partner’s acts rather than their own. Read this next sentence slowly and carefully to see if you agree…
The offended tends to remember more about the long-lasting nature of the injury, while the offender tends to remember more about mitigating circumstances and the offended person’s provocative acts.
My experience with marriages in crisis tells me that sentence is profound. (It isn’t mine, it comes from research, but it’s a great point, don’t you think?)
If, for example, a wife commits adultery, the husband tends to focus on how trust has been destroyed, how the life he thought he had was not the way things really are, how difficult it will be to make love to her again without thinking about the other man, and on and on. No one can blame him for those thoughts, and they certainly are true. However, at the same time the straying wife likely is thinking that if her husband had not been so distant, dismissive, insouciant, inattentive, angry, controlling, or whatever she felt he did wrong, she would have never been susceptible to the affair. Though society would tend to growl at her, “Whatever he did, you did not have the right to be unfaithful.” However, from her standpoint, her reasoning has validity, and she will feel frustration if others do not understand it.
The point is that as long as either or both cling to those emotions and reasons to justify themselves while castigating the other, reconciliation is impossible. Until they soften their interactions with each other, their relationship cannot heal.
Taking Responsibility
You should see the pure joy on people’s faces when I tell them, “Each of you has to take responsibility for his/her own actions for reconciliation to take place.”
What? You think they react with something other than pure joy?
That would be correct. Often the cry is something such as, “Me? He’s the rascal who did me wrong. I had no part in that!” (Insert female or male pronoun as appropriate to your situation.)
Healing does not take place when either party has a “I did NOTHING wrong” complex. As my wife Alice tells people when they ask why she took me back nearly a quarter century ago, “Joe was solely responsible for his actions. I did not make him do what he did. However, I was far from perfect and can see how my actions help set up some of the things that occurred. I don’t take responsibility for Joe’s actions, but I do mine. That helped us heal our relationship.”
In our LovePath 911 workshops for marriages in crisis, I watch carefully for the moment when an individual stops blaming everything on the spouse and begins to take resonsiblity for his or her own actions. Not just the ones who did the bad stuff that precipitated the crisis, but both parties. When I hear that, I know that hope lives. That marriage may be saved. It never will as long as one sees the other as the villain and self as sinless.
What to Do?
To create the softness, each person should do the following. Start with confession. Then tell the other you genuinely are sorry for the hurt you caused. Indicate your penitence by a sincere statement of your intention to not to hurt the person again. No, that does not mean that you, or anyone else, will live a perfect live from this point on. It means that you sincerely intend to cause no pain and will do your best to keep it from happening.
I strongly suggest that each person complete the following three statements in writing and then share them with each other. Why in writing? Because people can talk without thinking but they cannot write with thinking! This needs to be thought out carefully and said with one’s heart, mind, and soul.
1. “I hurt you by….” (Be specific. Be honest. Do NOT justify what you did. This is NOT the time for explanation; it is a time for softness and healing to begin.)
2. “I am truly sorry for…” (In the statement above, you concentrate on what you did. In this one, you concentrate on how it affected the person you wish to reconcile with.)
3. “I promise you that I will not hurt you again, especially by….” (Here you focus on how you will prevent yourself from ever doing again what you did.”
Who Completes Those Three Statements?
Both of you. No matter who did what. Though we didn’t have these exact tools 24 years ago when we reconciled, Alice and I basically went through those three statements. Not only did I tell her about my actions, my sorrow, and my promise, she did the same about her actions. Yep, Alice asked me to forgive her. Amazing, huh? My actions were far worse than hers, but she understood that seldom is anyone innocent of any blame. It made each of us examine what we did wrong and created an environment of softness that we both needed. By looking at herself, she didn’t see me as the $%@ that did those terrible things. She also gave me the ability to see the good in me rather than the bad. Together we were able to move forward. (Yes, she’s the hero of our story. At the end of our workshops, she’s the one who gets the standing ovation. Seriously.)
Reconciliation part 3 will take several blogs. Stay tuned…