Our last blog began with this question: Joe, my husband wants me to watch porn with him but I am not comfortable with this. We are both Christians, but we have different views on this subject. He thinks that it is okay if we watch it together and says “the marriage bed is undefiled.” I feel that it is a sin to watch it for any reason. How can I please him sexually without compromising my moral convictions?
ANSWER: If you have not read Part One, I recommend you go to this link and read it before reading this blog.
Here, I wish to speak to the part of her question: “How can I please him sexually without compromising my moral convictions?”
It is wonderful that you wish to please your spouse sexually. I applaud your desire to do that.
However, if ever you feel any hesitation or reservation about doing something sexually, it is essential that you examine why you intend to do it.
I do not have time to explain in detail. The succinct version is this: If you do something because you wish to AVOID negative consequences, the long-term effect on you and your relationship is bad. If you do it because of what we call an APPROACH motive, the long-term effect is good.
Avoidance means you do it because you do not want to hear him gripe, complain, turn a cold-shoulder, or anything else that you dread. Do things long enough because of avoidance motives and it will destroy your self-esteem and undermine your relationship. Rather than building love, it builds resentment.
Approach motive means that you do it because you wish to gain something. It may be that it feels good and you like that. It may be that making him feel good gives you joy. It matters little what the positive motivation is; the idea is that you do it because there is something you wish to gain and you will enjoy getting it. Over time, that builds your self-esteem and makes the relationship stronger.
Therefore, as you seek ways to please him sexually, always take into account how your participation in that act will affect you over time. As stated, the best way to do that is to evaluate your own motive.
With that in mind, here are a few suggestions. You wrote that he wished you to use pornography with him. That probably means that he wants to be more sexually stimulated, but not just by physical stimulation. It likely means he wishes to be stimulated mentally as well. It may well be that the best way to take his mind away from porn is to stimulate it sexually beyond anything that porn can.
I offer the following suggestions to accomplish that. I speak in generalities here. However, the resource I mention at the end is more specific and offers several valuable tools to guide you.
If you are sensitive about sexual matters, I suggest you skip the next section because they present ideas that those who are not comfortable talking about sex might find unsettling. However, you asked. Therefore, I offer suggestions.
Ideas for Those Comfortable Thinking About Sexual Matters
To stimulate him mentally in sexual ways, I suggest you think about how to make love to each of his five senses, but appealing to his mind as you do so.
Sense of Sight
Being as creative as you can, think about how to excite his sense of sight. Most men respond to visible sexual stimulus. You can try the usuals – exquisite lingerie, a trip to the spa, a new hairstyle – or you can think outside of the box in which you currently feel comfortable. For example, one sweet, gentle elderly lady once told me on a live call-in radio show, “I’m a widow. I’m a good Christian who’s never had a sip of whiskey. But every once in a while I’d lure my husband into the bedroom and do a slow and sexy striptease for him. He liked that a lot.”
Another woman spoke of wigs, special dresses worn only on special occasions, and more.
The idea is to find as many ways to stimulate his mind by stimulating him through sexual visuals that take him away from what he ordinarily sees.
Smell
Interesting studies exist about how smells affect sexual desire. Farm out the kids one evening so that you have total privacy, and invite your husband to an experiment. Blindfold him and lead him into the kitchen or dining room where on the table you have every scent you can think of (some studies indicate pumpkin and licorice affect men, but you can have a table full of every smell you can imagine). Tell him the idea is to find what excites him. Slowly bring items to his nose without letting his hands touch them and ask him what sexual thoughts come to mind as he smells that fragrance. Take your time. This is not just to stimulate his sense of smell, but his mind.
Even if the smells do not entice him, the fact that you designed such an erotic experiment will.
Taste
Do the same on another evening with the emphasis being on what he tastes rather than what he smells. Put at least a month between this exercise and the one above. Never let him know when a new experiment is coming. Remember, you are stimulating his mind, which means you intentionally stimulate his imagination and confuse his expectations.
Based on what you intend to have him taste, you may wish to blindfold him to enhance his experience and more powerfully stimulate his mind as he imagines rather than sees.
If you are very daring, have some of the flavors on you.
Touch
Your touch experiment might include everything from feathers to talcum powder (feels like silk on skin) to actual silk.
Hearing
Read to him selections from the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament.
Write him an erotic letter. Rather than allowing him to read it, blindfold him and read it to him. Occasionally stop and ask him to tell you in detail what he is visualizing. Whatever he says, press him to imagine more to take his mind to the highest levels of sexual stimulation.
Whenever you make love, tell him what feels good and what you would like him to do next.
You Can Start Reading Here Again Now If You Skipped the Sexual Section
If you wish to know more about how to make your lovemaking great, soon final editing will be completed on Pleasures: One Woman, One Man, One Body. It is a 12 chapter DVD series for married couples that guides them through fascinating sexological teaching, as well as providing workbooks filled with profiles and exercises for each person to learn more about him- herself and their relationship. It includes a handy chart for you to use to evaluate whether your motivation is avoidance or approach, as well as a tool to measure your sexual compatibility (and how to increase it), another one to determine whether a specific sexual act is a good or bad thing for you to try, and many more. If you would like to hear about this series when it is available, write us at info@JoeBeam.com and ask to be put on that mailing list.
If your marriage is in trouble, there are many who will help. If you wish my organization to assist you in getting the help you need, please call us toll free at 866-903-0990. We will listen and we will help if we can.