Q: In reference to your answer concerning the woman who never knew when her husband was going to get mad, what usually happens to the husband after the wife moves on due to the fact he would not take responsibility for his actions and continued his ways of verbal and mental abuse.
A: Typically they make life as miserable as they can for the wife that left them. Usually the children, too, if there are any.
Spouses such as the one described in the post to which you refer are people who very much want to control every person close to them, and become furious when they cannot. If the controlled spouse finally has enough of the anger, belittling, and disrespect, they will leave if they believe they can do so without being harmed. However, if they have enough fear, they may stay for years, maybe a lifetime, because they lack the emotional strength to face the potential consequences. Some finally gain the courage to leave despite their fears. Others seek help from abuse centers in their local community or nearby cities. When they leave it is not uncomm0n for the abandoned spouse to increase his/her efforts to control by trying to stop them from leaving, or manipulating them to come back. Their behavior and actions may range from being charming, penitent, and seemingly broken to being angry, demanding, and dangerous.
Am I implying that the controlling spouse cannot change? He or she usually can change, though all to often they choose not to. For the change to be real, professional help nearly always is required to do one or more of the following:
1. Help the angry, controlling spouse overcome his/her anger and need to control
2. Create for both mates different marriage expectations and boundaries than previously existed
3. Help the controlled spouse deal with self-esteem and personal boundaries, while at the same time helping him/her to recognize personal flaws or failings. (This almost always requires a professional help. The person needs to learn how to stand up for self without becoming arrogant, self-righteous, or vengeful in the process.)
4. Create a system and pathway for resolution if the previous angry, controlling behavior returns, or if any other significant marriage problem develops. This, of course, may involve the intervention of others.
There is more, but this gives the idea. If both spouses adapt to this new way of interacting, the marriage may actually be saved.
If the marriage isn’t saved but the controlling spouse goes on to procures the help to learn how to overcome their anger and need to control, they may actually have a good marriage with a new person down the road.
On the other hand, if the controlling spouse continues in his/her angry ways, and the controlled spouse refuses to succumb to that control, after a while the controlling spouse typically will move on to another person but with the same pattern. If they find another who will react positively to them, they will establish a new relationship — perhaps even marry — but unless something very unusual occurs, they will soon be controlling the new partner as they did the one before. That pattern will continue throughout their lives until they find someone willing to live like that, (or too afraid to leave), and then they will continue controlling that person until death. It’s possible they may moderate some as they age, but it is just as likely, if not more so, that the older they get the meaner they become. Folks such as this usually don’t die well, and more people are thankful for their death than those who mourn it.
To summarize, there are three possible outcomes. The first is that they both get the help they need, save the marriage, and have a good life together. The second is that the controlling spouse goes ahead to get the needed help, even though the controlled spouse refuses to come back. In that case, they may have a good marriage with someone new. The third is that the controlling spouse continues their current course of behavior for a lifetime, and may God be with whomever they are in relationship with.