Q:  My marriage has been in crisis for a couple of years now. I made a terrible terrible mistake a couple of years ago.  My husband and myself tried to work things out.  I thought he had forgiven me then but he did not.  I took him for granted and felt that everything was ok and continued on with life.  Now there is very limited communication.  I guess I can use the word separation but living in the same house.  Divorce has been mentioned but I felt like that was not an option.  I have spoken to him and begged for him to give us another try.  Anger and rage etc.. has over taken his heart.  And I truly understand.  But to make a long story short I so want this to work but don’t know what to do.

A: I’m so sorry that you made your “terrible mistake” a couple years ago. If the “mistake” is what I assume it is, in actuality it wasn’t a mistake but a wrong decision. I don’t wish to sound mean, but a mistake is hitting the wrong key on the keyboard. Doing something that you do willingly, even if it is the wrong thing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s done on purpose. As we have all learned about life, every decision and every action have both short-term consequences and long-term consequences. No, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to help you understand that if your husband hears you referring to your actions as a mistake, he likely will hear it as your not taking full responsibility for what happened. You don’t want him to view it that way.

Allow me to share with you an acronym that I use to help people turn ACHE into ACHED (in other words, move it from the present to the past so that it can be gotten over.)

A – acknowledge your husband’s hurt. Whatever anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. he feels, you validate as being his right and that you understand and accept that your actions led to these emotions. Don’t blame him or offer any excuses. Make sure that you affirm his hurt and your role in it. Don’t do it boldly, but gently and with obvious remorse.

C – confessyour wrong. People often ask me if they have to give details about what they did. My reply is that if you ever want to be trusted again you must answer all questions as openly and honestly as possible. Realize that you will see more anger and hurt in your husband as you “tell all.” As in step one, acknowledge that and affirm it as his right to feel these emotions. Your revelation should be accomplished by strong words such as “sorry” rather than weak words such as “apologize.” Give no rationalization and don’t even try to explain how it happened unless he asks for that information. Hopefully you did that a couple years ago. If not, it’s not too late.

H – hear to understand. He won’t be able to get past the anger until he has had opportunity to spill all of it on you. Don’t focus on his words that hurt, but the words that help you understand the consequences in his life, heart, and soul. Make sure that you really, really understand what he feels and why he feels it. Again, offer no defense. Your job here isn’t to justify self, it is to understand his pain and the anger that comes from it.

E – emotionally connect. If you are listening closely to his pain, you will begin to feel some of what he feels. That may sound harsh and way too large a price to pay, but until he feels that you can understand not just what he is saying but also what he is feeling, he will have a difficult time forgiving and moving on. Again, the goal here is to validate him and to affirm his right to feel what he feels.

D – dothe right thing. If he needs to track your whereabouts for a while, let him. If he feels insecure for a while, go out of your way to make him feel secure. No one can live under constant surveillance and judgment forever, so don’t plan to do this for more than a year or so. But you may need to do it that long to help him overcome his fear of being hurt again.

Another part of doing the right thing is to cut off ALL contact with the person you made your “mistake” with. If you go to the same church, change churches. If you work for the same employer, change jobs (unless it is CERTAIN that you will never have contact with each other because he’s in one location and you are many miles away.) A hurt spouse heals very, very slowly if the spouse who did the hurting still has opportunity to see the other person. No matter what – even if you feel responsible for the other guy – you must not have any contact with him at all. Do the right thing.

There is more, but you get the idea. You can read more about forgiveness in my new book Your LovePath. You may also wish to consider asking your husband to come to our turnaround weekend for marriages in trouble. We will do quite a bit to help each of you move ahead and leave the past hurt behind. You can find out more by clicking here.