Q: My husband and I have been married for 15 years.  During that time, he got into Internet porn & body piercings.  He finally let that go 3 years ago, but then I suspect had an emotional affair with a gal at his work.  He vehemently denies this, but she was talked to at work about her actions so others had also noticed.  I have lost so much respect for him during the years, even though he has come a long way spiritually during the last three.  We are in deep trouble.  Neither of us is fulfilling needs. We have 3 children and neither of us believes in divorce. In a nutshell, how do I push the “reset” button on my marriage when I really don’t want to be with this person anymore?

A: Fifteen years of bad stuff certainly builds up tons of hurt, resentment, and anger. In the workshop that I lead for couples in crisis, it isn’t unusual for half or more of the couples present to have been married about fifteen years. Though I don’t have statistics on this, it seems that is a natural “I’ve had enough of this” time frame and one or the other just wants out.

The good news is that your husband has been trying to change for the last three years. Obviously, his emotional connection to another woman indicates that he hasn’t been doing as well at it as one would hope. But if he is trying, and if he wants to save the marriage, there is a way for you to push the reset button.

Let me mention three things that have to happen. I’m sorry that I don’t have space to elaborate on them, but the points are valid. If you wish to know more, you can find it in my book Your LovePath. Or if your marriage is in serious crisis, I strongly urge you to consider coming enrolling in one of the weekend workshops that I lead, called LovePath 911.

1. For any marriage to get better, BOTH parties have to stop doing those things destroying their relationship. If the couple can talk calmly and openly, they can figure out most of these on their own. If they communicate with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or hurt, they likely need the help of a strong workshop or professional counselor to identify the actions that must cease.

2. The only way to get over the past is to learn to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion; it’s a decision. You decide not to take vengeance on the person who hurt you. You decide not to let your life be governed by your hurt. As long as one clings tenaciously to past harm, there is little likelihood of a good future.

3. BOTH parties have to start doing the things to make love grow. That’s what I wrote about in Your LovePath. It’s also the central theme of our weekend turnaround workshop. As said before, if the couple can communicate calmly and maturely, then they likely can figure this out for themselves. If not, it will be very difficult to do without the right help.

The foundation to your question is that you do not want to divorce. Because you do not, then whatever it takes, find/do what needs to be done to turn this marriage around.