He may be a little befor your time. Jimmy Durante was born in 1893 and died in 1980. Comedian, singer, actor; he was a wonderful entertainer. His voice sounded like gravel sliding down a hill. His nose — sometimes people called him “The Schnoz” — became a tool for success instead of a cause of self-consciousness. He’s reported to have said “All of us have schnozzles . . . if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.”
Another famous quote, “Be a awful nice to ’em goin’ up, because you’re gonna meet ’em all comin’ down.”
He had several phrases that popped up regularly in his comedy skits on his radio and TV shows: “It’s a castastrophe!”, “Surrounded by assassins!”, “Everybody wants ta get inta da act!”
The one that intrigued me was the closing of every one of his TV shows. Walking from one lonely streetlight to another, he would end with, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.” Though regularly asked, he refused to identify who she was or even if she existed.
According to the web Internet Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002051/bio) he was speaking of his beloved wife Jeanne who had died Valentine’s Day 1943. He wouldn’t marry again for seventeen years.
Obviously, Jimmy’s not around to ask, and if he were he might be just as mute on the subject as before.
If it were his deceased wife that he “spoke” to at the end of every show, it says something about the great love that must have existed in that relationship. Maybe that’s why he courted his second wife for sixteen years before marrying her. Perhaps he felt that he couldn’t marry the second as long as he continued to love the first.
I’ve witnessed that situation. I’ve seen it in men and in women. A beloved spouse dies and the bereaved spouse, even years afterward, feels somehow unfaithful to their first love if they establish a relationship with someone new. I understand the emotion and if that is the way the person chooses to live the rest of his/her life, that’s fine with me as long as they continue to live in the now rather than living in the then. Some are fulfilled enough with the love that they had that they don’t need another.
But not everyone is made that way. No matter how much the bereaved loved the deceased mate, it is altogether possible — and perfectly fine — if s/he eventually finds another to share life and love with. The only caution I offer is to make sure that at least a year has passed before starting to develop another relationship. Sometimes having another to help us through intense grief feels like a deeper love and connection than it actually is. More times than I like to remember, I’ve worked with a marriage in crisis because one of them married too quickly after the death of a spouse. However, barring that circumstance I have witnessed many who have gone on to another love.
The new person doesn’t replace the one who has gone on. Actually, there isn’t — or at least shouldn’t be — a comparison between the two. If that happens, things get bad quickly, no matter who begins making the comparison.
So it’s quite okay to be like Jimmy Durante and hold your lost spouse in a dear place in your heart. It’s okay to honor him or her as did Jimmy with his secret message. But it’s just as okay to move on with life, keeping your love, yet allowing another love to occur.
If you’ve felt it would be unfaithful to your deceased spouse to allow another love in your heart, it’s time to let that go. You will always love. But you can also love another.