In the last blog, I mentioned three steps to forgiveness. The first two are essential; the third optional. That blog covered the first two — deciding to see the other as a flawed human rather than Satan personified and deciding not to take vengeance.

Now we move to the third step. Reconciliation. As already mentioned it is not essential. A person can forgive by deciding to do the first two steps but never going to step three. For example, a woman could do the first two steps as she forgives another woman who committed adultery with her husband. However, she does not need to go to step three and establish or reconcile a relationship with that woman. No need to invite her over for coffee, go shopping with her, or even sitting with her at church. There is a great deal of difference in forgiving and reconciling.

We forgive for several reasons. It sets us free. It shows the compassion that God shows us. It takes our focus off of our pain so that we can focus on making our future lives better.

Reconciliation is a wonderful thing, and we often encourage it, but it does not have to happen to be good, Godly, or anything else. Sometimes the best thing to do is forgive, via the first two steps, and then go on with life without further contact with the person that caused the harm.

However, there are times when reconciliation is best. In our workshops for marriages in crisis, we hope that hurt spouses can find it in their hearts to not only forgive but also to reconcile with the spouse who caused the hurt. Obviously, it is the choice of the one who was hurt to make that decision, but often that decision leads to a better future than deciding not to reconcile.

Not long ago I witnessed a woman so full of anger toward her husband’s one-night indiscretion that she had no desire to forgive, much less reconcile. It was her choice and neither I nor anyone who works with me tried to force her to choose to forgive or reconcile. However, from our experience over many, many years, we knew that her future is not going to be what she wants it to be. First, by not forgiving she would continue to carry that anger until it gradually evolved into bitterness that would affect most areas of her life. Second, by not reconciling, she practically guaranteed she will live the rest of her life without a companion.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not implying that it’s better to live with a philanderer than to be alone. But in this situation, the man was not a philanderer. He made a very bad decision. What he did was very wrong. He needed forgiveness from God, his wife, and all those affected. He knew that and he sought it with all his being. He was penitent, in anguish over his actions, and humbly begging for forgiveness and reconciliation. His wife had every right to be hurt, and, as already stated, it was her right to choose what the consequences of his actions would be in their marriage. She chose to withhold forgiveness. Of course, that means no reconciliation.

Her choice. Her future.

Our experience is that at her age and with the time it will take her to get far enough along that her bitterness doesn’t permeate her being, she will not have another male companion in her life. Whether we like it or not, there are more women in America living without husbands than women living with husbands. As women age, the odds against finding a suitable companion become higher and higher. (Men die younger. As age increases, the ratio of women to men becomes larger.) Though it is sexist in effect, men who are alone have a greater possibility of finding a companion than women.

Resent that? I agree that it isn’t fair. I also agree that it is the kind of thing that people don’t want to think about or talk about when they are hurt or angry. I also agree that even mentioning it here makes it sound as if I may be telling women that they have to forgive or they will be alone. I weighed the possibility of being labeled with that indignation against the fact that few people mention this downside to deciding not to reconcile. I decided that it had to be mentioned, even if my motive would be misunderstood by some.

In deciding whether to reconcile — if you are man, woman, or child — at least consider the likely future you will have if you do reconcile and if you don’t reconcile. That does NOT mean that you should continue to live with a person who cheats, abuses, or anything else that is harmful. It does mean that if a person does wrong and is penitent and seeking forgiveness, consider the future that could exist if you do forgive and reconcile against the future that might exist if you don’t.

If you are wondering what it takes to reconcile, I wish to address that. However, it will take several blogs to cover the aspects of reconciliation.

Just before we start those, there is one more thing to consider about forgiveness. We’ll look at that next.