I heard from a couple who some time back attended one of my workshops for couples in crisis. The husband said something unkind to his wife and then, instead of apologizing when she reacted, developed it into a full-fledged fight. As a result she wanted to know why the workshop had worked for everyone else but not for them.
I pointed out to her that even the greatest marriage experts in the world (no, I don’t mean me…) occasionally do some pretty stupid things in their own marriages (yes, here I do mean me…) The thing to remember is that a bad day does not a bad marriage make.
Of course, as you’ve already figured out, the reason she reacted with such apprehension is that she likely flashed back to how things had been when their marriage really was bad. That’s human and quite normal. However, it is a mistake to allow oneself to retreat into old reactions and emotions because something triggers a negative memory. Look at the big picture of how things are going NOW and take hope in the future.
When you have a bad day, call it just that — a bad day. Don’t let it throw you or take you from your forward path when either of you makes a misstep. You’ll make them all your lives. Don’t let your view of your relationship be formed by the temporary but instead look at the whole. The overall. The direction. It’s like driving, you steer where you look. Look ahead, not behind, or you’ll cause your own wreck.