possible
for your spouse to tell you what he or she feels by accepting those feelings as
real whether you like them or not. Remember, by accepting what your spouse feels,
you have the greatest likelihood of changing what he or she feels.
One
couple I worked with was in the middle of a divorce. He'd fallen in love with
another woman and was making every preparation to spend the rest of his life with
her. As his wife asked me how she could save the marriage, I replied by asking
her if she really wanted to save it when he was so head-over-heels in love with
another woman. She said, "Yes. At heart I know he's a good man, and I know
that he can get past this. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. But I don't want my marriage
to end. Is there anything I can do?"
Without
taking space to tell you all that we discussed, I need to point out that I helped
her understand the value of acceptance. "If you can love him with total acceptance--accepting
him even though you don't accept his sin--he may change. Remember, stand strong
against his sin; never accept that. But demonstrate to him that you understand
what he feels for his lover and that you accept the fact that he feels it."
That's
just what she did.
Because
so many people in his life had turned against him for what he was doing--his children,
his church, his boss--he had no one to talk to but his lover...and now his wife.
She became his only contact with the world he was abandoning. He found himself
talking with her more and more as she gradually became his best friend, the only
one besides his lover who understood and accepted him. She would listen to how
he felt and say, sincerely and kindly, "I understand how you feel and think
it must be wonderful to feel that kind of love for someone. I cannot accept your
sin; you know you're wrong. But I accept how you feel about her and only wish
that you could feel that way about me."
Think
she did the wrong thing?
I
don't.
I
saw her turn the man inside out through her Christian compassion, while standing
ever firm against his adultery. Her acceptance of what he felt meant that she
accepted him, completely and unconditionally. That's what it took to shake him
free from his sin. He left his lover and begged his wife for forgiveness and renewal.
Today
they're happily married and both serving God.
Intimately.
For
more information on Joe Beam's award-winning marriage-enrichment
book, click here. |
