oral sex shortly after giving birth
Posted by admin in Oral, Anal, Etc., Sin? Wrong? Or not? on June 16th, 2009
Q: I gave birth 3 weeks ago and my husband and I would like keep our sex life going while we’re waiting for the 6 week “all clear.” Do you have any tips on oral sex or could you point me to a non-sleazy source for this info?
A: Instructions for how to do oral sex abound on the Internet, but as you wisely surmised, much of it is on sites that most Christians (or even just conservative people) would call sleazy. I’ll give a short course at the end of this blog. (Really short, but I think helpful.)
Some conservatives have indicated their displeasure with me when I say that oral sex is not condemned in Scripture. Our friends who believe that any male orgasm must always carry the possibility of insemination obviously must believe that oral sex is wrong. If a man were to ejaculate (or even possibly ejaculate) anywhere but in the vagina, that would be wrong in their view. Of course, that rules out masturbation, oral sex, and the like because ejaculation may take place other than when the penis is inserted into the vagina.
Most of the animal kingdom have sex only when the female is in heat. Some, such as humans, dolphins, and some primates such as Bonobos, actually have sex whenever they wish, not just when the female is fertile and seeking impregnation. Sex for them is not just for procreation but accomplishes other things as well — enjoyment and fun (yep, animals do some things just for the fun of it; read here), closeness, stress reduction, health benefits, and the like.
If you read this passage in context in the Song of Songs, it appears to me that she is inviting Solomon to perform oral sex on her. See Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) chapter 4, verse 16. I’ve written more extensively about that passage in my book Becoming ONE, if you are interested.
Now, how does one do it for the best enjoyment and fulfillment?
Simple.
Play. Experiment. Guide each other on what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy and/or inhibited. Neither the secretions of the male or female are harmful, unless the person is already sick with something that you would have already gotten from intercourse. The key is to take your time, guide each other, take turns, and develop your own methodology which is the most fulfilling.
If you wish to know more about which parts of the anatomy are most sensitive on the male (which parts of the penis), or the female, ask and I will answer.
anal sex – finger okay?
Posted by admin in Anatomy, Oral, Anal, Etc., Sin? Wrong? Or not?, Uncategorized on June 5th, 2009
Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?
A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.
As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….
You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.
husband horrible until he wants sex
Posted by admin in Arousal, Desire, Relationship, Uncategorized on June 2nd, 2009
Q: If your husband has been in a horrible mood ALL day and snaps at everything you do or say…and then suddenly when the lights go out he decides it’s time for “2 minutes in Heaven” (lyric from a song) … Am I obligated to go through with it even though I am still hurt and aggravated by the way he has been all day? I can’t turn off the day to have sex. I know it’s a different story for men…It even makes me a little mad too because he is suddenly being sweet to me just because he’s wanting “some”…not because he wants to apologize for his behavior earlier. It is SO obvious!!!!!!
A: In some ways men and women are different when it comes to sex. For example, we know that one of the major inhibitors of a woman’s arousal is fatigue. If she’s exhausted it’s difficult for her mind, emotions, and body to gear up for a sexual experience.
A man can get aroused physically without being aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. So can women. However there is strong research that, unlike a man, a woman has no awareness of her sexual arousal if she is not also aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. In other words, she could have the indications of physical arousal (vaginal swelling, lubrication, so forth) but does not think she is aroused nor will she acknowledge that she is aroused if it is not also in her mind and heart.
However, I’m not so sure that men and women are much different when it comes to reacting to the negative moods of the other mate. We know that if a man is focused on sex, he can have sex and come to orgasm even if he doesn’t like the woman he is. So can women, if they so choose. But in marriage if either is “turned off” by the behavior of the other, the man is as likely as the woman to avoid a sexual encounter.
This is a general principle, and your husband may be the exception. More than likely, he isn’t. My guess is that he has no real understanding of how his behavior affects you and writes off your reactions as trivial and easy to get over. That’s likely why he can move into gentleness and sexuality so quickly.
The best course, in my opinion (not professional advice, just Joe’s opinion) is to let him know just how badly you are hurt by his behavior and tell him that until he understands the realities of a loving relationship he shouldn’t count on lovemaking. If you do it in an attacking way, I predict bad times will result. If you do it from your heart, not spouting anger, but allowing your hurt to surface so that he can see and feel your pain (not your anger), you may be on the road to changing your relationship completely.
This is not to say that an occasional bad day means that a couple should go into deep discussion and avoid sex. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and everyone just needs to move on. On those occasions, having sex with him is good. It’s repeated negative behavior that hurts your heart, mind, and soul that shouldn’t be ignored but dealt with.
Okay to be single and think a woman is sexy?
Posted by admin in Relationship, Sin? Wrong? Or not?, Uncategorized on June 1st, 2009
Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?
A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.
First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.
Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.
So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.
In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.
Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.
If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.
Does sex lead to love?
Posted by admin in Relationship on June 1st, 2009
Q: When having sex with someone, what makes you fall in love with them? Is it possible to have sex without feelings?
A: If you think that a person will fall in love with you because s/he had sex with you, or if you think that because that person is having sex with you, s/he must feel something for you, then you won’t like my answer.
There are any number of reasons that a human being might wish to have sex. Make children. Boost ego. Reduce stress. Feel close. Prove virility. Feel attractive. Relieve boredom. Add a conquest. Have fun. Feel wanted. Exert power. Make money. Payback. Easy opportunity. The list could go on and on. Did you notice that very few, if any, of those motivations is connected to true love?
Biologically we are made to be sexual beings. A man or woman can have as many sexual partners as s/he can seduce and have no emotional or spiritual connection with any of them. Sex in and of itself does not cause one to fall in love and can, in fact, elicit a negative emotion that is anything but love. That negative feeling may range from fear to shame to hatred. The Old Testament tells the story of Amnon and how he convinced himself that he was intensely in love with his half sister Tamar. He tricked her into his house and raped her. Notice what the Bible says he felt for her after he had sex with her. “Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. ‘Get out of here!’ he snarled at her.” (2 Samuel 13:15)
While it is possible to fall in love with a person that you are sleeping with, it does not mean that s/he will reciprocally fall in love with you. Actually, sleeping with a person before you marry often carries negative consequences into the marriage. I’ll write more on that if anyone is interested.
E.D. in men as they age
Q: I am a 62 year old and recently married. What a surprise when I learned that over 60% of men over 60 have ED problems. Not having had sex in over 10 years, I was SHOCKED. Is this true for over 60% of all males or was my doctor pulling my chain?
A: Erectile Dysfunction (inability to have an erection strong enough or lasting long enough) is a fact of life for men, especially as they age. However, don’t think God was unfair to us and kinder to the fairer sex. I personally wouldn’t trade our problems with theirs as they go through menopause and afterward.
If a man lives long enough, he will at some point have difficulty with E.D. That problem may be short-lived (situational) and in most men can be helped considerably either with pharmaceuticals or with a vacuum device that deploys an O-ring. Interestingly, not being able to have an erection doesn’t mean that he can’t have an orgasm. If you think about it, an erection efficiently transports sperm from the man into the woman’s body so that they can fertilize an egg. It is not essential to achieving orgasm for the male, though it can and does aid orgasm by creating a larger area to be stimulated than when the man is flaccid. Also, an erection can be pleasurable to the wife as the erect penis stimulates the nerve endings inside the vagina, and, aid her orgasm through that process as well as possibly creating more friction for the clitoris. (It is common for a couple not to have enough clitoral stimulation via penile penetration to cause the wife to orgasm.)
Therefore, if a couple is inventive and not hung up on traditional intercourse — and the man’s ego isn’t diminished by ED – a man’s lack of an erection does not necessarily preclude his or her orgasm. She can still stimulate him and he can still stimulate her to orgasm through inventive and fun sexual activity. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen but if both he and she forgot about erection and concentrated on pleasing each other in other ways, it often could.
Now to the specifics of your question. In 2003 Arizona Central reported on a study of erections. That article states ”Less than 2 percent of the men reporting problems said those problems had occurred before the age of 40, while 4 percent had problems between the ages of 40 and 49. After 50, however, problems increased substantially, with 26 percent of men reporting difficulty between 50 and 59, 40 percent noting it between 60 and 69, and 61 percent of men over 70 saying it was a problem.” Because one study doesn’t always reach the same conclusion as another study, your doc may be right from the perspective of which study he read. The one thing that is true regardless of which study one cites is that as men age there will be more episodes of erectile dysfunction. (See the article here.)
However, as already pointed out, that doesn’t mean there has to be a decrease in sexual activity and enjoyment. Also, the Arizona Central article went on to say that when men exercise and take care of their bodies, they significantly decrease ED problems. Watching TV a lot, smoking, drinking, and being overweight are factors that increase the chance of ED problems. So if you want to avoid ED, quit drinking, smoking, and overeating; get off the sofa, stretch, and then take a good walk every day until you are back to your vigorous self.