Archive for August, 2009
wife wants no sex because of our problems
Posted by admin in Desire, Overcoming the Past, Relationship on August 31st, 2009
Q: My wife and I are having serious difficulties. She told me she wanted a divorce but now she is willing to give us some time to see if we can work things out. However, she doesn’t want me to touch her, much less try to make love to her as we work through this. I love her very much and want her to love me. How do I not touch her or want her as we work through this?
A: This is a very difficult question.
On the one hand, I understand the wife’s emotional boundary that precludes her from wanting any physical contact with her husband as they try to solve their problems.
On the other hand, I know that in I Corinthians 7: 2-5 God said, “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (New International Version)
Rather than writing my own explanation of that verse, I’ll just quote the same verses from The Message. “It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ’stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.”
So, what is the husband to do? We know that if he forces himself on his wife, she will resent it and feel that she is being raped. If he forces himself on her, it actually is rape. However, the obligation placed on her if she is a child of God is that she is to be fulfilling him sexually as he is to fulfill her in the same way. I realize that an argument could be made that if he were fulfilling her in other aspects of marriage, she would want to make love to him. Yet, that isn’t mentioned in that verse. As my friend Bill Harley discovered a few years ago, when one partner starts fulfilling an important emotional need within the other, typically reciprocity takes place and each gets what they need. In short, by making love to him willingly, she increases the likelihood that he will do the things she wants in this marriage.
Why should she be the first one to do for the other? My response to all couples is that the one who is the most mature should make the first move. I believe that. Yet, there is also a level of need that should be considered. By nature, a man needs orgasm — just as by nature a woman needs orgasm — for many reasons ranging from relief of stress to decreasing likelihood of certain diseases. (Not making that up; it’s a medical fact.) The ideal would be that she is the most mature and that she fulfills his sexual need even before he starts fulfilling her most important emotional needs in marriage. However, if she cannot or will not, then I don’t know what will work in this matter unless he can survive as long as it requires for her to feel differently about him.
In the passage above, notice that even God recognizes that he may not. He says that a couple should not go without sexual fulfillment because they become more susceptible to temptation. I’m not saying that her refusal would justify adultery on his part, but I am saying that if he commits adultery, that passage indicates that she shares part of the blame.
I’d love to hear your comments.
male that does not have “good sexual drive”
Posted by admin in Desire, How To's, Uncategorized on August 25th, 2009
Q: I am a 46 yr old male going on 11 yrs of marriage. I do not have a good sexual drive. What should I look into to help pick up my desire and drive? I have a great wife who has way more drive then I do.
A: Allow me to do something that I rarely do in this blog. Rather than answering the question myself, I direct you to two books.
First, I strongly suggest you get a copy of Men’s Sexual Health by McCarthy and Metz because it will answer your question, and many of the other questions that come with it, in much greater detail than I can in this column. I know both these clinician/researchers and have become friends with Barry McCarthy. Though our views aren’t always the same — mine fit within my Christian world view — I deeply respect what Barry and Michael have to share. Order a copy online or pick one up at your bookstore. If you find a statement that doesn’t jibe with your world view (for example, if you are Christian and something they suggest contradicts your value system), dismiss it for your situation and move on to thier next point.
Just the other day I consulted with Barry McCarthy before submitting an article about pornography to a Christian web site. These men have good sense, tons of research, and pull no punches in sharing with me what we men need to know about sexuality throughout our lives.
Second, you may wish to look in your library for The Science of Orgasm, by Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple. They explore the medical and scientific research about orgasm for both men and women. I have talked with Beverly Whipple and honor her for being listed as one of the fifty most influential scientists in the world. The world view of these three authors isn’t that of mine as a Christian, but their work is definitely a valid contribution to the knowledge we need about sex.
In chapter fifteen, Herbal Therapies, they discuss a few herbal products that have been tested in humans in double-blind, placebo-controlled studies. Obviously, I will not replicate their chapter here, but I will share a few points you may find interesting.
(You MUST not try any of the following products without first consulting your medical professional. Each has side effects and if you have certain conditions these side effects could be disastrous. Got it? Don’t use any of these without medical advice from the physician or pharamcist who knows your conditions and meds you take.)
GINGKO BILOBA
Of gingkgo biloba they write, “While more comprehensive and well-controlled studies are required, it seems that gingko may be one of the few herbs that have aphrodisiac properties.” However, it does not always have that affect and not do so for you. If your medical professional agrees and you try gingko biloba to enhance your sexual desire, you may wish to use Gingkoba because it is a German brand and in Germany this is a prescription drug. That likely makes it of very good quality. Also remember that the herb’s effect may not come until you’ve taken it for several weeks.
ARGINMAX
The authors refer to a study of the men’s version of ArginMax over a four-week period in which a sexual function questionnaire demonstrated an 89 percent increase in the ability to maintain an erection, a 75 percent increase in satisfaction with overall sex live, and a 20 percent increase in number of orgasms. For a study of the women’s version of ArginMax they wrote, “Significant improvements in the ArginMax treatement group were also reported in sexual desire, reduction of vaginal dryness, frequency of sexual intercourse, and orgasm.”
That means that ArginMax may be more valid for women who wish to increase their sexual desire than for men.
Remember that various medicines one takes may affect his sexual desire. Ask your physician about how each of the meds you are on affects sex drive and ask if their are others he may transfer you to that have less effect. Similarly, be aware that your own physical condition, especially being overweight, will definitely negatively affect your sexual desire. Change to the right meds and get the exercise you need and you may not need anything else to make your sexual desire increase.
Finally, there is good indication that an active and fulfilling sex life leads to stronger sexual desire. Initiate sexual activity even when you are “not in the mood” and it may well be that your desire increases in a few weeks just by increasing your sexual activity.
sex during menstrual period – actually healthy??
Posted by admin in Orgasm, Physical problems on August 14th, 2009
Q: I am newly married and my husband and I both waited until marriage to have sex. We are slowly getting use to each other’s likes and dislikes and enjoying getting to discover new things with one another. But recently my husband got upset because I do not feel like fooling around or having sex with him when I am on my menstrual period. He feels like we will be missing out on 12 weeks out of the year…to put it in his words. How do I explain to him the way I feel during my cycle or what do I do to make him understand it is not that I do not want him but that I don’t feel like doing anything?
Also I read your answer to the other virgin couple and what you say is really true. We should be talking about sex as Christians. Especially to couples getting married so that they can be better prepared. I know I still do not feel equipped to deal with it all.
A: An old axiom says, “For the first two years of your marriage, put a penny in a jar next to your bed every time you make love. After your second anniversary, take a penny out of the jar every time you make love. You’ll never empty that jar.” That’s overstating it a bit, obviously, but the truth in that axiom is that after being married for a while, the newness of exploring each other’s bodies and trying new things wears off and lovemaking becomes more about intimacy than excitement. (At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. If you wonder why, ask and I’ll answer in another column.)
A young husband worrying about missing twelve weeks a year actually is a good thing. It means that he wants you with his whole being and does not like the idea of not being able to have that passion every week of the year. The difficulty you have is that because he is a man, he doesn’t understand the physical effects of menses. No man can. I surely don’t. So to help him understand you’ll have to put it into his language. Help him picture having both emotional and physical discomfort at the same time, with an extra helping of moodiness mixed in. Maybe ask him how much he’d want to “fool around” during a week in which he drank a healthy chug of ipecac to wash down a dose of Ex-Lax every day. Yeah, gross, I know. Made me queasy just to write it. The idea is that he has no frame of reference to understand how you feel during your period and you will only be able to get him to grasp it when you tie it to something he can understand.
Now let me give the other side of this. I’m not trying to convince you to have sexual activity during your menstrual period, but there are actual medical benefits from it if you do. Women who orgasm during their menstrual period (whether the orgasm is from intercourse, masturbation, etc.) tend to have fewer and less intense cramps. They also decrease their likelihood of endometriosis. (Check out these and other interesting medical facts about orgasm in the book The Science of Orgasm. Not a bedside reader, but a truly scientific book that definitely isn’t porn.)
Orgasm is an analgesic but not an anesthetic. That means having an orgasm actually reduces pain without decreasing sensation (amazing, huh?). Therefore, you may want to try having an orgasm with your husband, even if it is not by traditional intercourse if that is too uncomfortable, to see if there is a compromise the two of you can make so that both can be happy.
Either way, find a way to have intimacy, even if that isn’t sex as usual. There can always be holding, caressing, and expressions of love. If you find that orgasm during menses isn’t for you, you may find that leading him to orgasm in some fashion will be an incredible action on your part that will lead to reciprocal action on his part in other parts of your life together.