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male that does not have “good sexual drive”
Posted by admin in Desire, How To's, Uncategorized on August 25th, 2009
Q: I am a 46 yr old male going on 11 yrs of marriage. I do not have a good sexual drive. What should I look into to help pick up my desire and drive? I have a great wife who has way more drive then I do.
A: Allow me to do something that I rarely do in this blog. Rather than answering the question myself, I direct you to two books.
First, I strongly suggest you get a copy of Men’s Sexual Health by McCarthy and Metz because it will answer your question, and many of the other questions that come with it, in much greater detail than I can in this column. I know both these clinician/researchers and have become friends with Barry McCarthy. Though our views aren’t always the same — mine fit within my Christian world view — I deeply respect what Barry and Michael have to share. Order a copy online or pick one up at your bookstore. If you find a statement that doesn’t jibe with your world view (for example, if you are Christian and something they suggest contradicts your value system), dismiss it for your situation and move on to thier next point.
Just the other day I consulted with Barry McCarthy before submitting an article about pornography to a Christian web site. These men have good sense, tons of research, and pull no punches in sharing with me what we men need to know about sexuality throughout our lives.
Second, you may wish to look in your library for The Science of Orgasm, by Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple. They explore the medical and scientific research about orgasm for both men and women. I have talked with Beverly Whipple and honor her for being listed as one of the fifty most influential scientists in the world. The world view of these three authors isn’t that of mine as a Christian, but their work is definitely a valid contribution to the knowledge we need about sex.
In chapter fifteen, Herbal Therapies, they discuss a few herbal products that have been tested in humans in double-blind, placebo-controlled studies. Obviously, I will not replicate their chapter here, but I will share a few points you may find interesting.
(You MUST not try any of the following products without first consulting your medical professional. Each has side effects and if you have certain conditions these side effects could be disastrous. Got it? Don’t use any of these without medical advice from the physician or pharamcist who knows your conditions and meds you take.)
GINGKO BILOBA
Of gingkgo biloba they write, “While more comprehensive and well-controlled studies are required, it seems that gingko may be one of the few herbs that have aphrodisiac properties.” However, it does not always have that affect and not do so for you. If your medical professional agrees and you try gingko biloba to enhance your sexual desire, you may wish to use Gingkoba because it is a German brand and in Germany this is a prescription drug. That likely makes it of very good quality. Also remember that the herb’s effect may not come until you’ve taken it for several weeks.
ARGINMAX
The authors refer to a study of the men’s version of ArginMax over a four-week period in which a sexual function questionnaire demonstrated an 89 percent increase in the ability to maintain an erection, a 75 percent increase in satisfaction with overall sex live, and a 20 percent increase in number of orgasms. For a study of the women’s version of ArginMax they wrote, “Significant improvements in the ArginMax treatement group were also reported in sexual desire, reduction of vaginal dryness, frequency of sexual intercourse, and orgasm.”
That means that ArginMax may be more valid for women who wish to increase their sexual desire than for men.
Remember that various medicines one takes may affect his sexual desire. Ask your physician about how each of the meds you are on affects sex drive and ask if their are others he may transfer you to that have less effect. Similarly, be aware that your own physical condition, especially being overweight, will definitely negatively affect your sexual desire. Change to the right meds and get the exercise you need and you may not need anything else to make your sexual desire increase.
Finally, there is good indication that an active and fulfilling sex life leads to stronger sexual desire. Initiate sexual activity even when you are “not in the mood” and it may well be that your desire increases in a few weeks just by increasing your sexual activity.
husband stares at pretty women
Posted by admin in Relationship, Uncategorized on July 2nd, 2009
Q: I am a Christian and my husband claimed to be one and attended church when we met. We’ve been married one and it’s been a war, not a marriage. All his life he was attracted to and lusted after pretty women with long hair. Of course, he kept this hidden from me. A friend of his told him before we met that he went after women like a shark. He’s admitted his thirst for women. He wouldn’t miss looking for them. While driving he’d watch in the rear view mirror and if they’d pass us, he’d turn his head a full turn to watch them go by. In restaurants he’d keep looking at them. Driving by he’d turn his head looking if they were on the sidewalks. In church. We tried a couple of churches and he’d pick out a pretty women sitting alone. He’d keep looking at them. Staring, really. During tv commercials he could be reading the paper. If he’d hear a female voice, he’d put the paper down long enough to check them out. If they were pretty, he’d watch the commercial. If they weren’t pretty, he’d continue reading the paper. Most of our married life this habit persisted. We had screaming battles to put it mildly. He claims it’s out of him now. I can’t know because he claimed that repeatedly in the past and wasn’t over it yet. But even if he is, the damage is done in me. He has destroyed several things in me. I can longer trust him. When we’re apart, or even if he’s just outside I’m wondering how many women he’s staring at. That’s what he did. And right in front of me. Stare and stare at these women. Every time I see a pretty woman I now feel so ugly. And, compared to the women he stared at, I am ugly. I don’t feel I have any respect left for him. He claims to love me. He didn’t know what true love is. He’s been married 5 times and been through an unbelievable amount of women. He should consider the problem could be him. But he doesn’t want to hear that. And he won’t talk. He’ll scream for a moment and then storm off. I tell him I need to talk. He won’t. He almost acts like he can’t. I don’t believe this marriage will last. He treats me fine when we’re not fighting, but, we’re usually fighting. We fight almost daily. It’s ridiculous. I’ve prayed over and over about it and given it to God. I know, according to the Bible, he’s committed heart adultery over and over. He claims to be sorry. He claimed that over and over and would yet persist in his addiction to women. I don’t know if I have any more love left for him. If so, not much. I tried and tried to get him to agree for us to get help. He never would. I don’t know whether to tell him to leave or not. It is my home. I don’t feel there is any hope. Does God expect me to live like this indefinitely?
A: You are right, of course, that in Matthew 5:28 Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” However, as I began reading your email, I confess that I found myself wondering if he were as bad as you say or if your own insecurity might exacerbate your concern. I also confess that by the time I got to the end, I came to believe that he does have a problem.
If I understand correctly, at least the good news is that he is not physically active with any of these women. Not saying that makes it right; just that it would be even worse if he were. I understand that his continual staring at other women makes you feel “ugly.” It seems to me that women regularly compare themselves with other women and in their minds often come off as second. His actions hurt and you have every right to be hurt by them.
When you say that after five marriages it should occur to him that he may be the problem. I don’t mean to be offensive, but I wonder why you didn’t think the same thing before marrying him — that he has a problem. The old adage is that women marry men thinking they will change and men marry women thinking that they will never change. He was what he was; he is what he is. If he changes, it will be through what is called “a significant emotional event.” The good news is that those can happen. The bad news is that the often they don’t.
Do you have a right to leave a man who continues in sin though he continues to say that he won’t do it again? Forgiving a person who repeatedly sins and asks forgiveness is Biblical. (Matthew 18:21-22) Living with that person is another thing altogether. We can forgive and love the person but we do not have to tolerate his/her continued misbehavior. In my opinion, the Matthew passage you cited gives you right to divorce him. BUT WAIT! (Always wanted to say that…) Before you do, there is more to try.
I strongly suggest you check out our workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911.
anal sex – finger okay?
Posted by admin in Anatomy, Oral, Anal, Etc., Sin? Wrong? Or not?, Uncategorized on June 5th, 2009
Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?
A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.
As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….
You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.
husband horrible until he wants sex
Posted by admin in Arousal, Desire, Relationship, Uncategorized on June 2nd, 2009
Q: If your husband has been in a horrible mood ALL day and snaps at everything you do or say…and then suddenly when the lights go out he decides it’s time for “2 minutes in Heaven” (lyric from a song) … Am I obligated to go through with it even though I am still hurt and aggravated by the way he has been all day? I can’t turn off the day to have sex. I know it’s a different story for men…It even makes me a little mad too because he is suddenly being sweet to me just because he’s wanting “some”…not because he wants to apologize for his behavior earlier. It is SO obvious!!!!!!
A: In some ways men and women are different when it comes to sex. For example, we know that one of the major inhibitors of a woman’s arousal is fatigue. If she’s exhausted it’s difficult for her mind, emotions, and body to gear up for a sexual experience.
A man can get aroused physically without being aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. So can women. However there is strong research that, unlike a man, a woman has no awareness of her sexual arousal if she is not also aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. In other words, she could have the indications of physical arousal (vaginal swelling, lubrication, so forth) but does not think she is aroused nor will she acknowledge that she is aroused if it is not also in her mind and heart.
However, I’m not so sure that men and women are much different when it comes to reacting to the negative moods of the other mate. We know that if a man is focused on sex, he can have sex and come to orgasm even if he doesn’t like the woman he is. So can women, if they so choose. But in marriage if either is “turned off” by the behavior of the other, the man is as likely as the woman to avoid a sexual encounter.
This is a general principle, and your husband may be the exception. More than likely, he isn’t. My guess is that he has no real understanding of how his behavior affects you and writes off your reactions as trivial and easy to get over. That’s likely why he can move into gentleness and sexuality so quickly.
The best course, in my opinion (not professional advice, just Joe’s opinion) is to let him know just how badly you are hurt by his behavior and tell him that until he understands the realities of a loving relationship he shouldn’t count on lovemaking. If you do it in an attacking way, I predict bad times will result. If you do it from your heart, not spouting anger, but allowing your hurt to surface so that he can see and feel your pain (not your anger), you may be on the road to changing your relationship completely.
This is not to say that an occasional bad day means that a couple should go into deep discussion and avoid sex. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and everyone just needs to move on. On those occasions, having sex with him is good. It’s repeated negative behavior that hurts your heart, mind, and soul that shouldn’t be ignored but dealt with.
Okay to be single and think a woman is sexy?
Posted by admin in Relationship, Sin? Wrong? Or not?, Uncategorized on June 1st, 2009
Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?
A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.
First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.
Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.
So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.
In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.
Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.
If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.