QUESTION: My 40-year-old wife seems to think she is going through menopause. For this reason she is just not interested in sex at all. Her memory seems to be short, too, because when I tell her that she has a problem and needs to talk, she is all willing to, but then as the day goes on she forgets what we talked about. To top this all off (while drunk as a skunk) she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore and has feelings for my oldest son’s friend who is 20. I’m rambling and wouldn’t normally ask for help, let alone online, but please help. I’m at my wit’s end.
ANSWER: Your wife has memory problems, gets drunk, has feelings for a man half her age, and has no interest in sex whatsoever. Because you have the courage to ask publicly for my help, I offer it. Hopefully my frank response will not offend you. The short answer is
QUESTION: I hope this message is not out of line. With your educational background and Christian beliefs, you seem to be the perfect person to ask about sex relations in marriage. My question is this; in marriage is sex restricted to intercourse? Is oral sex a sin? Is it impure? Please answer my question. The closer I get to God the more I have doubts about my personal life with my husband.
ANSWER: I think I shocked Lester Holt on the Today Show a few years ago when I listed the three principles I believe sum up Bible sexual prohibitions. We were live, so he could not do anything but gulp when I gave my answer to his question about what God does not allow.
It may be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Whatever the type of abuse, it eventually destroys the abused and, ultimately, the abuser.
(Note: No animals were harmed in the story that follows. I cannot say the same for the humans.)
QUESTION: Everyone always says the husband has more sexual desire than the wife, so you can imagine that you feel a little disillusioned when it’s the other way around. It’s always been this way, to a certain extent, but has been exaggerated with having a toddler, stress and busy schedules. We are intimate about once per month, if I’m lucky. I am very dissatisfied with this level of frequency. Not only do I enjoy sex with my husband, but when he doesn’t want me, it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me or undesirable about me and leaves me feeling angry and insecure. On top of this, now we want to try for our second child, but you can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex! There’s always something that he has to work late and come to bed after me, or he’s too tired or stressed out, etc. I’ve worked hard to lose my post-baby weight, try different romantic things, be thoughtful during the day, everything for over 5 years now, including trying doing nothing. What should I do differently!? Please help!
ANSWER: Please do not include me in the “everyone always says the husband has more sexual desire than the wife.”
QUESTION: I am a divorcee and I miss having sex very much. When I feel the urge (sexual desire), I watch porn and masturbate. No, I am not a sex addict and I am not a porn addict. This may happen once or twice a month and even sometimes a couple of months go by and it doesn’t happen. As a Christian woman, I feel horrible when I do this. I think that masturbation is a sin, but I can’t back it up with Scripture. I am under the impression from reading your blog that you do not think it is sin. Can you please clarify this for me using Scripture? I read on a Christian web site that singles who masturbate do not sin because masturbation is the outlet they can have for their sexual desires since they do not have a wife/husband in their lives. Also, if masturbation is not a sin in and of itself, does it become sin when porn gets added into the mix? And this may sound like a stupid question, but why is watching porn sin? Can you back it up with Scripture? Thank you. God bless.
ANSWER: Unfortunately, I discovered that I started to answer this in October 2011 but somehow lost track of it. Now, a year later, I finally respond. Forgive me please.
It appears that a great percentage of the evangelical community considers masturbation a sin. However, on the rare occasion when I get to query one of them about this belief, it becomes apparent that though they argue against masturbation, in reality their opposition is to
QUESTION: (from the UK) Please, God requires Holiness for Man. I thought of our environment on how many homes are breaking down because of sex and sex satisfaction.
(1) Do Christian have restrictions to sex position? What may a husband and wife do in their inner room with regards to sex style whether dirty or horrible; i.e. anal sex, oral sex, etc.?
(2) If either the wife or husband refuse such approach (sex style) as initiated by one of them, it could lead to adultery, so what can they do?
ANSWER: Ample research exists in the scholarly journals about the relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction. They appear to increase or decrease simultaneously. However, I have not yet seen solid research that proves causality. It seems intuitive that one affects the other
The title gives the question that someone sent. I do not know if the one asking is male or female. However, my answer is short.
First, if you mean having more than one wife at a time, evaluate whether that is worth going to prison. Polygamy is illegal in each of the 50 USA states.
Second, if you mean having more than one wife at a time and neither knows about the other, I recommend you upgrade your heath insurance and get a great disability policy. While you’re at it, make all your wives beneficiaries for your life insurance. The law and the insurance company will exclude from benefits the wife that kills you.
Question: My husband and I aren’t doing too well. A year ago, he had an affair on more than one occasion with my best girlfriend at the time. He says it never went beyond kissing so I tried so hard to push my feelings down to make it possible to forgive and forget. I just can’t forget it. I would like for my marriage to work but I am afraid that the trust is just gone forever. Not only is trust an issue, we also fight all of the time and he talks down to me. It seems like we have the same conversation about us being unhappy every 6 months. I’m just so worn out. I finally got the courage to leave him and I am staying at a friend’s house. He says he wants to work on it, I’m just not sure. He keeps saying that I am just giving up and that I don’t have one last fighting chance. It is just so hard because 6 months ago he asked for one more chance and did the same thing 6 months before that and so on. My question is, what should we do? Should I continue with the divorce process or should I suck it up and try one last time. I’m just scared that if I do, we will just go back to square one and end up where we are now again in 6 months.
Also, While I am at my friends, he keeps texting me asking me if I will have sex with him. He said he thinks that we should “have a one night stand” he wants me to go back to the house, have sex with him, and then go on my way. I would like to relieve some built up urges but I’m not sure that would be a wise thing to do because I don’t want to send mixed signals. What should I do?
Answer: Some research indicates that men have more difficulty forgiving the sexual aspects of an affair while women have more difficulty forgiving the emotional aspects. That seems to apply to the two of you. He justified his emotional entanglement by assuring you it was only kissing (implying that he views the sexual act as the “bad” thing and he didn’t do that). You have trouble getting past his kissing her because that meant some level of emotional involvement with her.
Remembering Valentine’s Day, by Steve Brumfield
Okay, guys, stay with me here. I understand and am well aware that nobody wants advice, but would like to offer up some thoughts about my favorite holiday … Valentines Day. I know, this is dangerous territory for guys, since many consider Valentine’s Day to be a holiday created for women and by women. But my experience is a little different, but it really is my favorite holiday.
For a number of years, I would get my wife candy and flowers. Sue liked the candy. However, she did not like the cut roses. After all, they were cut — they were just dead flowers to her, plus they charge twice as much for the “dead ones” as they do for live ones. So about ten years prior to her death, I started doing silly things .. small things.