ANSWER: In general I do not favor a child being made to choose between parents. Allow me to explain. One gentleman I know tells of his parents divorcing when he was five. He was the youngest in a large family living on a farm. The parents took the children to the front yard. The father moved to one side of the yard and the mother to the other. They then told the kids they were divorcing and that they should walk to the parent they wanted to live with. If you could see the pain in his face as he relives that incident from over a half-century ago, I think you would agree with me that what his parents did was barbaric.

I can understand taking into consideration the wishes of older children, but even then their choices may be made more from fear than desire. For example, a sixteen-year-old boy might choose to live with his father, even when he desperately wants to live with his mother, because he fears that if he doesn’t go with his father he will be abandoned by him. Or a sixteen-year-old daughter chooses to go with Dad because she fears he cannot take care of himself. She goes with him despite his living a lifestyle definitely not healthy for her to be around. Therefore, while there is value in letting older children have a voice, I think that having a wise neutral party decide (hopefully a judge with good sense) might be the better course of action.

The far better choice is to find a way for the parents to repair their marriage and make it good again. That removes all questions about custody, who the children live with, and more. We will do all we can to help you salvage your marriage. Our success rate over the last 19 years is remarkable. Call us toll free at 866-903-0990 or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

See accompanying blog: Should we stay together for the kids?

See accompanying blog: Can a couple be happy if they stay together for the kids

See accompanying blog: How does a staying together for the kids affect the kids?

The post Should a child choose between divorcing parents? appeared first on Joe Beam.

ANSWER: To answer this, I give you a direct quote from a lady whose marriage we helped. She and her husband came to our workshop because of his infidelity. She was ready to divorce and move on, as you might expect.

She posted this Facebook.

“This morning as **** [her young daughter] and I were saying our prayers on the way to school she said, “Jesus, thank you that Mommy & Daddy love each other and go on dates.” If ever I doubted choices in forgiveness in that moment all doubt was gone. Lots of thanks first to God and also to Joe Beam”

Forgive the apparent immodesty of leaving in the part of the quote that refers to me personally. I started to take it out but realized that I should not. It was not I who saved her marriage, of course. She and her husband did that. However, our team worked with them to help them overcome their difficulties, forgive, and reconcile.

Unless there is something happening in the home that puts kids in danger physically or emotionally, how could there be anything but good for them if their parents stay together? I think that when parents consider the welfare of their children – not just their children’s wishes – they know that every child does better if they can be in a home with parents who love each other. If the parents don’t love each other, is it not worth TRYING to repair the marriage for the sake of their children?

Kids need security. This world is scary enough – and certainly filled with enough disappointments, pain, and frustration – without taking part of a child’s sense of security and stability by removing a parent from the home. How does staying together for the sake of the kids affect the kids? It gives them some security that the people who brought them into this world and love them will never abandon them. It gives them a sense of self-worth to know that Dad or Mom love them enough that they won’t trade this family for a new one because someone else came along that took their love.

Just as our team helped the woman who put the quote on Facebook, we can help you. If you are willing to try to save your marriage and make it good again – even if that seems impossible to you – please call us toll free at 866-903-0090 or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

See accompanying blog: Should we stay together for the kids?

See accompanying blog: Can a couple be happy if they stay together for the kids

See accompanying blog: Should a child choose between divorcing parents?

The post How Does Staying Together for the Kids Affect the Kids? appeared first on Joe Beam.

ANSWER: I’ll answer that question, but the first question to consider is how happy will each parent be when they see how their divorce affects their kids. Most of the couples who come to our workshops for marriages in crisis have at least one spouse who is very concerned about the effect the divorce will have on their children. They should also consider how the divorce’s affect on their children will also affect them personally.

For example, the kids typically express their anger and take out their frustration on the parent they live with rather than the other. The reason for that likely has to do with their fear that if they display those emotions to the parent who doesn’t live with them, that parent may not want to be with them. The old adage that we take out our anger on those with whom we feel safer is generally true. Because they don’t think the parent they live with them is going to leave, they act out toward her or him rather than the parent who lives elsewhere.

The parent who sees the children every other weekend (or whatever the agreement is) has his/her own emotional difficulties as well. Some parents become enamored of their new freedom and wind up having little to do with their children. They miss promised dates, back out on their time with their children (sometimes at the last minute), and gradually become less and less involved with them. Those parents don’t hold their parental responsibilities as a strong value. They mostly leave it up to the other to take care of their children. Other parents miss their children terribly. They try to cram two weeks worth of time together into two short days every other weekend, and find themselves longing for more time. When they walk their children back to the door of the other parent, they know that when that door shuts they will be only a peripheral part of their lives for half a month.

If one or more of the children begins having emotional, mood, or similar problems because of the divorce, both parents hurt for them if they truly love their children. If one of the kids starts having behavioral problems – we call it acting out – both will feel some degree of responsibility. If they child’s grades fail…well, you get the point.

Having a new love to replace your current spouse involves many emotions. The question most gloss over in their own hearts is whether that new love is worth the pain it causes the children.

Back to the question at hand: Can a couple be happy if they stay together for the kids?

Absolutely they can, if they work on their problems in a way that actually brings resolution. Each must stop doing the things destroying the relationship, and each must start doing the things that can make love take root and grow again. Over the last quarter century, I’ve seen it happen repeatedly. Couples who seem to have no hope, who apparently hate each other or worse (worse is when they feel nothing at all), make the right steps and solve their problems. They don’t just save their marriages; they fall in love again. Staying together for the sake of their children didn’t solve their problems, but it held them together and motivated them to solve their problems.

On a personal note, my wife and I divorced in 1984 because of my very selfish focus on me. We remarried in 1987 and are coming up on our 26th anniversary of our second marriage. We did not remarry because we had fallen in love again. We remarried because we decided our children needed us to be together. Our living apart was having a profound effect emotionally on our 9 year old. (She was six when we divorced.) We had to learn how to love each other again. We did that for the sake of our children. It took intentionality and a lot of aggravation, occasional anger, and sometimes frustration, but we DID learn to love each other again. We have a solid, good, wonderful marriage today. If you want to see the effect over years on the child who is now a woman, I wish you could meet our daughter Joanna. She would tell you quickly how much she deeply appreciates our putting our marriage back together for her. And we are quite happy because we did learn to love each other again and it turned out to be great for us as well.

If you are willing to try to save your marriage and make it good again – even if that seems impossible to you – please call us toll free at 866-903-0090 or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

See accompanying blog: Should we stay together for the kids?

See accompanying blog: How does a staying together for the kids affect the kids?

See accompanying blog: Should a child choose between divorcing parents?

The post Can a Couple Be Happy if They Stay Together For the Kids? appeared first on Joe Beam.

QUESTION: Do you think it’s a good or bad idea to stay together for kids? Please explain your answer.

ANSWER: Since 1994, we’ve worked every year with hundreds of marriages in crisis . We regularly hear from one or both spouses statements such as,“I come from a broken home. I know what it did to me. That’s why I’m fighting so hard to save my marriage. I don’t want my kids to go through the pain, insecurities, and questions they wind up having about themselves and their own value…whether they are loved…if somehow they caused the divorce…and so much more. I don’t want them torn between two homes, having the tension at their wedding that I had at mine with step-parents and rivalries.” Occasionally, someone says that they are happy their parents divorced because the anger and rage that existed in their home calmed when one of them moved out. However, they are the minority in what we hear.

In my estimation, every adult should consider this: Your children didn’t ask you to bring them into the world. Therefore, they don’t owe you; you owe them. Rather than thinking primarily of yourself and how “happy” you might be if you end this marriage, ask yourself what it does to the happiness – even the self-esteem, sense of security, and more – of your children if you end this marriage.

If someone – spouse or children – is/are in danger emotionally or physically, I think separation and even divorce may be the path to protection. However, by far the marriages we see in crisis are in trouble because one or both spouses are so focused on themselves they don’t place equal value on their spouses or children. Therefore, it appears to them that the better solution is to find someone else and seek happiness in a new way rather than to work through the problems and redevelop happiness in their current marriages. Our experience is that most marriages in trouble can be saved AND that they can be made good again if both parties are willing to stop their damaging behaviors and start doing the things that make love revive.

If you are willing to try to save your marriage and make it good again – even if that seems impossible to you – please call us toll free at 866-903-0090 or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

See accompanying blog: Can a couple be happy if they stay together for the kids

See accompanying blog: How does a staying together for the kids affect the kids?

See accompanying blog: Should a child choose between divorcing parents?

The post Should We Stay Together for the Kids? appeared first on Joe Beam.

ANSWER: This question shows up often. I will share with you information about overcoming premature ejaculation – pharmaceuticals, methods, devices, and more. Before I answer, please allow me to muddy the waters with scientific ramblings. It’s what we do to show people how smart we are. Then I’ll deal with the problem directly.

Typically, people call the problem you describe as premature ejaculation. It’s studied all over the world, typically via a process called IELT (which stands for intravaginal ejaculation latency time - our scientific way of describing how long it takes a man to ejaculate after his penis penetrates the vagina). A 1990 study suggested that somewhere between 16% and 38% of men across all age groups ejaculate prematurely. Though there has been disagreement as to when ejaculation actually is premature, NewsRx Health reported in a 2010 issue that ”In 2008, the International Society for Sexual Medicine presented an evidence-based definition of PE [premature ejaculation] as agreed upon by a consensus of the world’s leading sexual health experts: a male sexual dysfunction characterized by ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration; and inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations; and negative personal consequences, such as distress, bother, frustration and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy. Currently, there are no prescription therapies approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to treat premature ejaculation.”

You say that your husband lasts about 2 minutes IELT (don’t you love my scientific jargon…in other words, you say he ejaculates about two minutes after entering your vagina). Though the quote above sets the limit at one minute for it to be “premature,” I think it reasonable to say that your mention of your husband’s embarrassment and your dissatisfaction “‘leaving me stranded” makes a case for a sexual problem whether it meets the International Society for Sexual Medicine’s definition of premature ejaculation or not.

In my work with couples, I tend to ignore the stopwatch and instead view premature ejaculation as a man’s ejaculating before he or she wants him to. I realize that is rather simplistic and would never work as a description for research. However, it works for me and I think works for your situation.

Pharmaceuticals for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation

Studies abound internationally for either a topical cream, a pill, or some medical intervention that will prolong IELT. Currently, some physicians prescribe SSRI’s such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and Celexa to help men last longer. (Look them up online to see the generic versions.) Perhaps the most common of these used for PE is Zoloft. Other doctors are hesitant because of side effects and potential problems from chronic long-term use of those medicines. A 2012 study in the International Journal of Impotence Research (“Deleterious effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor treatment on semen parameters in patients with lifelong premature ejaculation” ) indicated that the SSRI’s can increase IELT but also may have a negative effect on the man’s sperm.

The Canadian Urological Association Journal published a 2012 article (“Evolving therapeutic strategies for premature ejaculation: The search for on-demand treatment – topical versus systemic”) indicating the effectiveness of two medicines designed for premature ejaculation that studies indicate are very effective.

One is dapoxetine, which is marketed under the names Priligy, Kutub, or Duratia. Unlike other SSRI’s this one seems to have little negative effect on libido, though as with every medicine there are side effects that some people will experience.  Though it has been approved in other countries, it has NOT been approved by the FDA in the USA. Supposedly, it is in process of FDA approval. Though, it is available online from Canadian and other foreign sites, I strongly urge people not take it unless their physicians approve. Personally, I would be EXTREMELY cautious about buying it online. Some online “pharmaceutical” sites are VERY suspect as to what you actually get.

The other the article mentions is PSD502 which is applied to the penis five minutes before penetration. As of yet, in the USA the FDA has not approved it, though it has been studied with good results in several countries. The pharmaceutical company that developed it presented data in 2010 to 2010 American Urological Association (AUA) Annual Meeting in San Francisco that indicates men with premature ejaculation averaging .6 minutes (36 seconds) IELT who used it in a trial increased their IELT 5.5 fold. That’s quite significant. When that becomes available in the USA via FDA approval, I imagine it will sell extremely well, assuming that it does not also delay the female’s time to orgasm.

Methods for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation

Some people find the squeeze technique effective. As with most methods, it requires the man’s recognition of when he nears inevitability. That’s the point a man reaches when orgasm is going to happen no matter what; it’s unstoppable. The man has to realize when he is nearing that point. Far enough before your husband reaches the point of inevitability that he still has control, have him withdraw his penis from your vagina. Put your thumb on his frenulum. That’s the strip of skin on the front of the glans or head of the penis. Put your index finger on the other side of the glans. Put your middle finger just below your index finger, but low enough that it is on the shaft rather than the glans or head. Squeeze tightly. For some men that works to move him back from inevitability.

Others find a thumping technique to work better. In that method, he withdraws before reaching the point of inevitability. Rather than using her fingers to squeeze his penis, she instead thumps his frenulum sharply with her middle finger, flicking it with intensity. It doesn’t hurt as much as you imagine, and for some men removes the need to ejaculate.

An ancient Chinese method has the man telling his wife when he is nearing inevitability. Rather than withdrawing, she curls her three middle fingers and presses them intensely into his perineum. The perineum is the area between his testicles and anus. By placing enough pressure in the right spot, she may move him away from inevitability. Typically, this spot is not easy to find, so it is best for the couple to practice by his masturbating with her lying beside him. When he directs her she curls her fingers and tries different spots with different degrees of pressure until she finds the one that moves him back from inevitability. As with all these exercises, some work with some men and some don’t. Unfortunately, with this one, some men find that the pressure leads to immediate ejaculation. If that happens, you have to try again later in a different fashion…

Though there are more exercises – and you may be creative and discover one together that no one has thought of – these are the more common ones. One other thing to mention is that some men solve their problem by masturbating before making love to their spouses. Based on how long it usually takes them to become erect again, they judge how much time before the lovemaking session to do this. The men who find this successful do so because having already orgasmed desensitizes them to some degree so that when they make love with their wives they do not orgasm so quickly.

Devices for Overcoming Premature Ejaculation

I must point out that it very likely will help both of you if you can find ways to satisfy you before he attempts penetrating your vagina with his penis. Whether he helps you orgasm by using his fingers, mouth, or a device, it will be a benefit to you both if you can have at least one orgasm before he enters you. It may help for you to have several before he enters you.

If you prefer having intravaginal sensations as you orgasm, consider either his placing several fingers inside you as he stimulates your clitoris in one of the methods mentioned, OR by placing a dildo within you. A dildo is a device that has similarity to a penis. They can be purchased without going to a pornographic site. If you check out Amazon.com carefully, you will find quite an assortment there. Try to buy one that Amazon ships directly so that you don’t wind up on someone’s email list that you don’t want to be on. Dildos are made in various materials. For example, some are solid. Others are made with a material that simulates human skin. If you think you may wish to use one of these as your husband makes love to you, read the ratings on Amazon carefully. Users will tell you quite a bit about whether you might like the device. Additionally, some dildos have vibrators within then and some do not. Either is fine. The idea is not to replace your husband with such a device, but to have intravaginal sensations as you orgasm BEFORE he penetrates you with his penis. That removes any psychological pressure from him that he needs to last long enough for you to orgasm.

Be aware that if part of his PE comes from getting too excited, he may orgasm before he enters you if you get very excited from his stimulating your clitoris and/or penetrates you with a dildo while doing so. If that happens, make sure that neither of you reacts negatively to the occurrence. If he orgasms, move to kissing and cuddling for a while. Then have him begin to stimulate you again. If a particular method of stimulating you excites him too much – such as using his mouth, for example – then have him do it a different way, such as with fingers only. As you become excited again, you will see that he will slowly regain his erection. There is a strong likelihood that he will not ejaculate as rapidly so soon after having his previous orgasm. The fact that he had the previous orgasm may actually work in your favor.

When you have had as many orgasms as you wish, then have him enter you. If he ejaculates rapidly, you can still both be satisfied because of your previous orgasms.

One other matter to consider, if it appeals to both of you. Some of the dildos offered on Amazon are hollow. A man can place his penis inside them. If you choose one like that, it is likely better than you choose one that also comes with a harness to hold it on. If he ejaculates sooner than he wishes after entering you the way you normally do things, have him place his penis inside the hollow dildo (it makes no difference if it is totally flaccid or totally erect),l hood the harness around him, and continue to have intercourse with you. There are several potential advantages from doing this. First, if you are capable of having an orgasm from penile penetration, you can orgasm from his penetrating you in this fashion. Second, it gives you a way to continue to make love with kissing, caressing, looking into each other’s eyes, and more. Third, if you find the experience exciting, it may lead him to another erection as he has intercourse with you wearing the dildo. He may finally orgasm while still wearing it. He will experience different physical sensations then if his naked penis were in your vagina, of course, but he can still experience pleasure and still enjoy intercourse with you. This, in turn, may in time lead to his being able to last longer while having intercourse with you without wearing the device.

Of course, if wearing such a device harms his self-esteem or makes him feel unmanly or any other negative emotion, do NOT try that method. If, on the other hand, you both can make a game out of it and have fun with it, it can become part of your sexual play that enhances the experience for both of you. (You can even role play. You call him some special name when he wears it that you both find funny and erotic.)

Why would I even suggest something so ridiculous? Because taking mental and emotional pressure away from the lovemaking experience may be enough to lengthen IELT. Besides, lovemaking is always better when it is fun. It nearly always has problems when either person worries that something won’t happen as you wish it to.

New Product Coming Soon

We are Beam Research Center just finished filming a new series for couples to use at home to enhance their sex lives. In addition to teaching, we have actor couples talking out various sexual problems and scenarios that exist in real life. We also have three PhD friends of mine give valid information and discuss important matters about how men and women are different sexually. We tie it all together with a vivacious host. It will be available soon. Twelve chapters that are about 35 minutes each on DVD at an amazing low price. If you wish to get on the mailing list to know when the product is available, please send me an email with the subject line PLEASURES and I’ll email you the information in just a few weeks. Email me at info@JoeBeam.com. I may even offer a discount to those who contact me first!

The post Overcoming Premature Ejaculation – Pharmaceuticals, Methods, Devices appeared first on Joe Beam.

ANSWER: The times it makes sense to lower an expectation is when the expectation is not reasonable or the other person cannot fulfill it. Let me illustrate with an extreme example: I remember a marriage falling apart a few years ago because the husband expected his wife to make love to him several times every day. That expectation probably could not be fulfilled even during a short honeymoon. It certainly cannot be fulfilled in the course of regular life where both work, children need taking care of, and all of life tumbles in. She felt strong resentment because of the physical pain she suffered from the constant activity and the emotional pain she felt from being treated as a sexual object rather than a loved companion. No one could convince him that his expectations were unreasonable. He continued to demand; she finally divorced him.

From your description, it does not appear that your expectation was unreasonable or one that he could not fulfill. (If you think it might be unreasonable, ask a wise older couple for their opinion. Maybe even a counselor.)

When a person lowers a reasonable expectation, I think both people lose. The one lowering or abandoning the expectation tends to get frustrated. The other spouse typically does not know why the other is frustrated. No one wins; everyone loses.

In a situation such as the one you described, I suggest that you don’t lower your expectations. Instead you graciously teach the other person how to give you what you need. The way that could have worked in the situation you described would be like this: After he prayed, you thank him for praying, and then gently explain to him how you needed him to pray for you – teaching him specifically – and then ask him to pray again. If you do something like that gently and without appearing to chastise or judge, he is very likely to hear what you want and need. Wanting him to spontaneously or naturally know how to do that is not fair. As you pointed out, he meant well and was sincere. He did not know how to give you what you needed. Therefore, you should teach him rather than expecting him to figure it out.

Remember, the greatest acts of love are not the ones done naturally, but the ones that a person does just for you though it is not his nature. It is not what he does naturally, but he wants to give you what you need. That is the example of Jesus going to the cross. He didn’t want to do it, and prayed profusely in the garden that God find some other way. He did not do it because He wanted to but because WE needed it. That was the greatest act of love ever known. So rather than being unhappy that your husband does not do something because he thought of it…or being angry because he did it only because you wanted it…put it in the proper perspective and realize that those type actions are the greatest examples of love. He is not doing what feels good to him; he is doing what feels good to you. That is true love.

Therefore, teach your husband. Ask him to teach you. When by nature one of you does not give the other what s/he needs, be patient enough to explain and ask. That is love in action.

The post If Your Spouse Does Not Give You What You Need… appeared first on Joe Beam.

***

I understand and am well aware that most of us do not want unsolicited  advice, but would like to offer up some thoughts about my favorite holiday. . .Valentines Day.

For a number of years I would get Sue candy and flowers.  She liked the candy.  Did not like the cut roses, because they were cut. . .dead flowers to her. . .plus they charge you twice as much. So about ten years prior to her death, I started doing silly things. . .small things.

Our last Valentines’ day was Feb. 2007.  For the previous ten years I had gotten her each year a stuffed singing something. . .one year it was a mouse dressed up in an evening gown with a little wig and microphone singing FEVER.  Another year it was a Gorilla that sang WILD THING.  And on and on.  She liked some better than others.  We saved them.  In Feb. of ‘07 I got a bunch of stuff to decorate the mantle.  Got a white shoe polish pencil so I could write things on the mirror in her bathroom and over the window above the kitchen sink.  I got all the singing stuffed things out from previous years and put them on the mantle (at 2 or 3 in the morning).  Put the latest addition, a dog that sang I CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU beside the coffee pot and a note telling her to go in and play cut six on the CD, a John Denver song, “For You.”

Generally, women appreciate thoughtfulness more than big gifts. . .at least in my case.  On Valentine’s day ‘08 I thought back with fondness thinking that if I had known Valentine’s Day ‘07 would have been our last one, I don’t know what more I would have done. (but they do like big gifts every now and then.)  Thoughtfulness cost less and is more appreciated with a big gift here and there along the way.

Steve

The post If This Were Your Last Valentine’s Day Together appeared first on Joe Beam.

ANSWER: Many couples discover that the wife cannot orgasm from penile penetration alone. Therefore, if you have any worries about you or your husband having some malfunction, throw that thought out. It doesn’t mean anything negative about you or him. Actually, it may bother him more than it does you because some men feel that they may not be large enough or skilled enough if their wives do not orgasm during intercourse from penile penetration. However, that is not the problem. In actuality, there is NO problem. But, if you really want to try to have an orgasm that way, I have a few suggestions.

A key here it to understand the importance of the clitoris. The clitoris has one and only one function. It brings pleasure to the female. Stimulation of the clitoris either directly or indirectly contributes to orgasms, though it is not always the only source for orgasm. (I’ll explain that in more detail if someone asks.) For the sake of our discussion, the clitoris is our focus. Creating more pressure or friction on the clitoris may provide you with the answer you seek.

Though you may examine your clitoris in a mirror and think it to be very small, it actually is about 4 to 5 inches. The part of your clitoris that you see protruding from the clitoral hood (prepuce) is the tip of the iceberg. Your clitoris also consists of a crus (leg) down each side of your vulva in sort of a wishbone arrangement as shown in this drawing.

This image originated at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Clitoris_anatomy_labeled-en.svg

Therefore, intercourse stimulates your clitoris in two ways. First, the positioning of the male and female affects the level of stimulation directly on the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the clitoral hood. Second, the movement of intercourse causes the inner lips of the vulva (labia minora) to move. Their movement causes (or at least may cause) stimulation to both crura of the clitoris.

If there is not enough stimulation to the clitoris, the woman may not orgasm from the act of intercourse. (There are exceptions to this, but why make this any more confusing than I already have???) The insufficient stimulation may be because of the way he is shaped, she is shaped, or both are shaped. Everyone is a little different physically, so thinking that any two people will blend perfectly in their intercourse is not realistic. It is the fault of neither.

One possibility for creating more friction on the clitoris during intercourse is what I call the reverse  missionary position. The traditional missionary position has the woman on her back with the man atop her and his legs between her legs. The reverse position I refer to has her still on her back, but instead of his legs being inside hers, she holds her legs together and he places his legs outside of hers. When he enters her vagina in that position, it creates more pressure/friction on the clitoris as the penis moves in and out of the vagina. The penis cannot go as deep in that position, but because the nerve endings within the vagina are in the first two to three inches, it can still be pleasant for the woman, as well as creating a greater likelihood of her achieving orgasm from penetration. The man may not enjoy it quite as much as when he is able to go deeper, so this position may work better if done to help her orgasm and then switch back to another position for his.

There are other positions to try as well. In ventroventral copulation, the lovers are face-to-face. In dorsoventral, the male is behind the female as he enters her vagina. That change of angle can sometimes facilitate orgasm by creating more friction on the clitoris. (That position may also facilitate stimulation of the area of her vagina often called the g-spot. If you want to know more about that, ask.) Rear entry positions for entering the vagina are varied. The couple can lie on their sides. They can stand with her bent forward to facilitate that entry. She may be on her knees with him behind her. Well, you get the idea.

Dorsoventral vaginal entry has another advantage. Even if the woman cannot achieve orgasm only from penile penetration when the man enters her vagina from behind her, that position presents easy access to the clitoris for direct stimulation by his hand, her hand, or a mechanical device. Therefore, she can orgasm while having intercourse, but the orgasm is facilitated by extra stimulation of the clitoris.

Hope this helps. If you wish to ask more sexual questions for me to write about in this blog, you can send them to me via the form at http://bit.ly/XjtsMk.

The post How a Female Can Orgasm During Intercourse Just By Penile Penetration appeared first on Joe Beam.

When will my past affair stop haunting me? Sometimes the memories just pop up and I feel so dirty. I sometimes find myself caught up in a memory that is like reliving it, then I snap out of it. It is truly horrible. How long does this last? Is there an end? It is so hard. I love my husband more now than I EVER did and this tears me up. Thanks for listening and please pray.

ANSWER: My response falls into the “bad news / good news” category.

The bad news is that everything associated with your affair is in your memory banks. Therefore, when a trigger occurs – even one you are not consciously aware of - your conscious mind summons a memory associated with that trigger. Triggers can be anything your mind associates with your affair. It might be a song, a fragrance, a place, a phrase, a mannerism, or any number of things. (By the way, smells trigger memories more vividly than anything else.) This kind of thing happens with all vivid memories inside your mind, good and bad. In the same way that the fragrance of a pumpkin pie might bring memories of childhood visits to grandma, a song might bring the memory of a specific time or event with a former affair partner. This is part of being human that we cannot change about ourselves.

The good news is that those memories do not mean anything about your love for your husband. Neither do they mean or that you wish to go back to the affair. They are simply memories that come when the right triggers occur. Why do you find yourself reliving it in your mind? That happens because you were emotionally invested in the affair. You relive it because at the time it fulfilled something within you. You feel dirty about reliving it because you now accept that it was wrong.

As time passes, the memories will occur less often. Also, with the passing of time, those memories will become less vivid (though there may be occasional vivid flashes if the right trigger occurs.) Therefore, do NOT let them get you down. When it happens, say to yourself, “Yes, that happened. That’s how I was at the time. That is not as I am today. I’ll focus on who and what I am now.” Then go on with your day without guilt or doubt. Do the same thing if your affair partner shows up in a dream. Acknowledge it. Then dismiss it.

To get past your affair memories haunting you and the guilt you feel, accept that you no longer have anything to feel guilty about. You have overcome your adultery and put your marriage back together. Your guilt has been forgiven in every way possible. These memories indicate nothing bad about you or what you truly desire; they happen because you are human, not because you are doing anything wrong. Cut them short when they happen rather than letting your mind relive them. Concentrate on NOW, not THEN, and you will do fine

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ANSWER: Your wife has memory problems, gets drunk, has feelings for a man half her age, and has no interest in sex whatsoever. Because you have the courage to ask publicly for my help, I offer it. Hopefully my frank response will not offend you. The short answer isthat there is nothing YOU can do to change HER. While there may be problems in your relationship (I have no way of evaluating), she definitely has problems that must be addressed. In all likelihood they must be addressed by a professional. Even then, it becomes her choice as to whether she deals with her issues. A basic truth of life – though we often do not like to hear it – is that no one can change a person but the person herself.

Why do I believe she needs help? Obviously, I have to make some guesses because I do not know you, her, or the situation other than your brief description. However, your mention of her being “drunk as a skunk” may well explain her memory problems, her lack of interest in sex, and her budding infatuation with a man half her age. All of those fit within the parameters of difficulties resulting from alcohol abuse. You did not say how often she becomes inebriated, but, in truth, frequency is not the only sigh of alcoholism. From my experiences with alcohol earlier in my life that created tremendous marital difficulties for Alice and me, I believe misuse of alcohol is more than how often you drink. It is why you drink and how it alters reality. For example, in Alcoholics Anonymous they talk about a dry drunk; that’s a person who is not currently drinking but does not have her drinking under control. Going for a while – even a long while – without drinking or drinking in moderation does not indicate that one is on control of his drinking. Until the root causes are addressed and handled wisely, the problem continues to exist even if dormant for the moment.

In summary, my guess is that your wife is an alcoholic. Until she gets the right help – either a counselor or a sponsor from a local group of Alcoholics Anonymous – she will continue drinking. When she deals with the underlying causes of her alcohol abuse, she likely will also discover the roots of her no longer feeling in love with you and her attraction to a man so much younger than she.

However, that does not mean that you have no role in her change. It will be incumbent on you to do what it takes to get her to see a professional, or, at the very least, attend Alcoholics Anonymous. If you do not know how to do an intervention to get her to get the right help, look online for an AA group near you, go to a meeting, and ask if anyone there has done an intervention and will be willing to help you do one with your wife. If I am correct about your wife, your problems from spouse’s alcohol use will continue until she deals with her addiction.

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