Category Archives: Oral, Anal, Etc.
QUESTION: I hope this message is not out of line. With your educational background and Christian beliefs, you seem to be the perfect person to ask about sex relations in marriage. My question is this; in marriage is sex restricted to intercourse? Is oral sex a sin? Is it impure? Please answer my question. The closer I get to God the more I have doubts about my personal life with my husband.
ANSWER: I think I shocked Lester Holt on the Today Show a few years ago when I listed the three principles I believe sum up Bible sexual prohibitions. We were live, so he could not do anything but gulp when I gave my answer to his question about what God does not allow.
QUESTION: (from the UK) Please, God requires Holiness for Man. I thought of our environment on how many homes are breaking down because of sex and sex satisfaction.
(1) Do Christian have restrictions to sex position? What may a husband and wife do in their inner room with regards to sex style whether dirty or horrible; i.e. anal sex, oral sex, etc.?
(2) If either the wife or husband refuse such approach (sex style) as initiated by one of them, it could lead to adultery, so what can they do?
ANSWER: Ample research exists in the scholarly journals about the relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction. They appear to increase or decrease simultaneously. However, I have not yet seen solid research that proves causality. It seems intuitive that one affects the other
QUESTION: I have heard that oral and anal sex is prohibited for a Christian couple. My husband has a lover and I think she gives him both these types of sex, which I refuse to give him. He was Christian, but has left God. I still serve God. Please tell me if it wrong and can I get scripture to back it up? Thanks.
ANSWER: Because your husband is…well, YOUR husband…then any sexual activity he has with anyone else is wrong. It matters little what sexual activity he participates in with his lover because all of it is adultery. However, I get the impression that you are searching for scripture that says that those specific acts – oral, anal – are wrong.
You may not like my answers.
My husband is a recovering porn addict that has been able to stay away from the porn for about 2 years now. For the last several years he has struggled with Peyronie’s disease (even going through a series of shot treatments) and erectile dysfunction. He has now gone about 5 months without wanting anything to do with having sex. I am really struggling with my need for intimacy and sex. Is it okay to ask him to satisfy my needs either manually or orally, is it okay to masturbate, or should I just put my needs aside and be disciplined as if I were single?
A woman has just as great a need for sexual fulfillment as does a man. There are literally thousands upon thousands of marriages in which the man no longer wants sex and the wife is craving it. It is one of the most common, yet least discussed, problems in marriages today.
Q: I gave birth 3 weeks ago and my husband and I would like keep our sex life going while we’re waiting for the 6 week “all clear.” Do you have any tips on oral sex or could you point me to a non-sleazy source for this info?
A: Instructions for how to do oral sex abound on the Internet, but as you wisely surmised, much of it is on sites that most Christians (or even just conservative people) would call sleazy. I’ll give a short course at the end of this blog. (Really short, but I think helpful.)
Some conservatives have indicated their displeasure with me when I say that oral sex is not condemned in Scripture. Our friends who believe that any male orgasm must always carry the possibility of insemination obviously must believe that oral sex is wrong. If a man were to ejaculate (or even possibly ejaculate) anywhere but in the vagina, that would be wrong in their view. Of course, that rules out masturbation, oral sex, and the like because ejaculation may take place other than when the penis is inserted into the vagina.
Most of the animal kingdom have sex only when the female is in heat. Some, such as humans, dolphins, and some primates such as Bonobos, actually have sex whenever they wish, not just when the female is fertile and seeking impregnation. Sex for them is not just for procreation but accomplishes other things as well — enjoyment and fun (yep, animals do some things just for the fun of it; read here), closeness, stress reduction, health benefits, and the like.
If you read this passage in context in the Song of Songs, it appears to me that she is inviting Solomon to perform oral sex on her. See Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) chapter 4, verse 16. I’ve written more extensively about that passage in my book Becoming ONE, if you are interested.
Now, how does one do it for the best enjoyment and fulfillment?
Play. Experiment. Guide each other on what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy and/or inhibited. Neither the secretions of the male or female are harmful, unless the person is already sick with something that you would have already gotten from intercourse. The key is to take your time, guide each other, take turns, and develop your own methodology which is the most fulfilling.
If you wish to know more about which parts of the anatomy are most sensitive on the male (which parts of the penis), or the female, ask and I will answer.
Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?
A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.
As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….
You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.
Warning: In this blog I use very frank terms to answer a question about a particular sexual act. If that may offend you, please do not proceed.
The question came not as a question but as just two words. Anal sex.
When this question comes during one of my Love, Sex & Marriage workshops, I usually ask the audience why they think people want to have sex via anal penetration. These are the most common responses:
• To keep from getting pregnant.
• It’s exciting to do something “forbidden”
• Because after childbirth the wife’s vagina is not as tight
• Some people find sexual excitement in mild to moderate pain
In the seminar I offer other methods for including variety in a couple’s sexual life. I also provide exercises, medical alternatives, and differing positions that can offset the stretching of the vaginal canal after childbirth. (If you wish to ask about any of these, please go to the main page www.JoeBeam.com and find the form to send the query to me.) Then I move on to give my view of whether anal sex is a valid practice.
Be aware that my answer is based in my Christian faith. As quickly as I state that I also need to explain that I am not one of those who think that anything other than typical intercourse is unnatural, sinful, perverted, or any other negative word some may conjure. I’m told that some site actually branded me a heretic because I don’t condemn oral sex. (Somebody definitely needs to understand what heresy is, don’t you think, before they embarrass themselves again.) Therefore, I’m used to being attacked with any number of invectives by those who have sexual hang-ups and try to blame them on Scripture. That, however, will not affect my answer. I share based on what I believe to be true, not based on political correctness as defined by any group.
There are several principles in the Bible that apply to our sexual lives. I won’t make a long Bible lesson here, but am happy to offer a sheet with scriptures concerning the basic sexual principles if you wish to have it. Just ask. Here I condense them into three major areas:
1. Sex is to be with the person you are married to and no one else, in reality or fantasy.
2. Sex is never to involve any animal. (I know, this freaks some out but it is a Biblical principle.)
3. Sex must never do harm to either person.
It is that last principle that applies to anal sex. While I am definitely not a medical doctor or an expert on human anatomy, I have asked several physicians who work with “that” area of the body. (Okay, anus or rectum. Happy?) So far, each has told me that anal sex — penetrating the anus with an erect penis or a mechanical device of corresponding size or larger — does irreparable harm to the body.
Therefore, as a Christian I object to the practice based on I Corinthians 6:19-20. As a human being, I object to it based on the fact that it does damage.
Again, if you wish to know other ways to bring variety to your sex life, ask.