I once described a hero as Continue reading
QUESTION: I’m confused. My husband and I are separated. He keeps telling me that he wants to have normal conversations. He talks about nothing. He doesn’t want a heart to heart conversation so we can solve our problems. I just want to know am I wasting my time trying to make this marriage work? He can’t seem to tell me if I am or not. I’m tired of not knowing.
When people are in a situation such as you describe for your husband, they usually don’t make sense to anyone else because Continue reading
QUESTION: My husband is having an affair. He has gone from being a respected member of the community and church to someone who has thrown away all of his morals and values. He met this much younger woman in a runner’s group, and “fell in love” with her. He told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, that he never loved me, and that he just wants to be with her. He wants a divorce, refuses counseling, and hasn’t been swayed by all the friends and family who are fully standing with me. Our kids are devastated. What do I do? I love him, but I don’t know him anymore. He is not the man I married, and I fear that man is gone forever. Do I stay and fight, or do I move on?
ANSWER: I am so sorry to hear of your difficulty. Unfortunately, Continue reading
QUESTION: Joe, my spouse does not share my dream. My dream is to travel with my spouse. but she hates travel. We have the means and the time now that kids are in college, I can’t imagine growing old with her and not being able to share this passion. What do I do?
ANSWER: In his book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work John Gottman refers to something he calls gridlock. Gridlock occurs when a couple faces a perpetual conflict that appears unsolvable. He writes Continue reading
QUESTION: Joe, there are a few things I have not told my wife. Although I never had an affair, I had an emotional connection with another woman that went to a brief, but unfulfilled physical encounter. This was over 10 years ago and is totally over. My marriage is better than it has ever been, and I feel that it would be foolhardy to bring this up now. Is it ok to keep quiet, or must I bring this up now and risk turning our marriage upside down? Please share any advice that will help me make the best decision.
ANSWER: as you might imagine, people regularly ask me whether they should tell their spouses about something that they know would hurt them. Sometimes, as in your case, they tell me about an event from years before. (One woman asked me about something that happened over 50 years earlier.) More often, they ask about something that happened more recently.
Whether ancient or recent, my answer remains the same. When considering Continue reading
QUESTION: Something in my gut tells me that my husband may be cheating, but I have no proof. I thought about hiring a private investigator to find out. My two best friends are divided on this; one says it is wrong, and the other tells me that I should. Please share any advice that will help me make the best decision.
ANSWER: I certainly understand how upsetting it must be to worry that your husband may be unfaithful. Though devastating to know for sure, at least you would no longer live in the limbo of doubt and fear. Therefore, I understand you considering a private investigator. Either your mind finds peace, or you confront the problem. Seems simple enough, and one of your friends thinks you should.
From my experience working with thousands of marriages, I side with the other friend; the one who says you should not. Continue reading
QUESTION: My husband is not happy with the way I dress or look. He wants me to be thin and dress much younger than my age. He’s always comparing me to the wives of our friends and telling me how pretty or sexy they are and that I should be more like them. I admit that I’m heavier than I should be…maybe as much as 30 pounds. Even though I know that he loves me, this disapproval and criticism from him drives me away from him. It doesn’t motivate me to change; instead, it makes my heart harder towards him. I love him and want to grow old with him, but sometimes I want to give up. I will never be what he wants me to be, so what can I do to make our marriage better?
ANSWER: Your question has three major components. All three must be corrected if you are “to grow old with him” as you wish. If not, the “hard heart” you mention eventually will completely Continue reading
QUESTION: My husband ejaculates in a minute or two after we start making love. Even if it is every day or every other day. For 14 years. I said try for at least 5 minutes; he said he would like at least 10. I can understand if we were newlyweds or if it had been long time in between the times we made love. But every time? He doesn’t want to do it that fast. He says he isn’t too excited (sometimes I beg to differ LOL). Maybe it’s a sensitivity issue. Usually after it happens, he will get soft in a few minutes, leaving me stranded. That embarrasses him and it takes him awhile to get an erection again. He is almost 36 and I am 40. We are non-smoking, non-drinking, not overweight. How do we go about overcoming husband’s premature ejaculation? Help!
ANSWER: This question shows up often. I will share with you information about overcoming premature ejaculation – pharmaceuticals, methods, devices, and more. Before I answer, please allow me to muddy the waters with scientific ramblings. It’s what we do to show people how smart we are. Then I’ll deal with the problem directly. Continue reading
QUESTION: If your spouse does not give you what you need, is it better (or more damaging) to expect your spouse to live up to your need or to lower your standard? For example – my husband and I were having an issue. As we tried to figure out why I react the way I do, some very painful things from my past were brought to mind. I already know that he is terrible at empathy, but eventually he tried to comfort me, and even offered to pray for me. I was very touched by this, but when he started to pray, his prayer was actually more about himself, how he feels like he is being attacked by Satan, and how even what’s going on with me is affecting him. In the end, I did not have any of my needs met, but I do know that he was trying. He was sincere and I appreciated the effort. My question: Is it better for me to not expect him to meet my needs and appreciate the effort, or frustrate him by letting him know? I know that you are very busy and I appreciate it in advance if you are able to clarify this!
ANSWER: The times it makes sense to lower an expectation is when Continue reading
QUESTON: I am a 22-year-old who feels that she knows less about sex than other people my age. A couple months ago I got married and am learning about sex as we go along. One thing I wonder about is if there is a way that I could reach orgasm during intercourse. I have to have extra stimulation beyond my husband being within me to reach orgasm. Can you tell me how a female can orgasm during intercourse just by penile penetration?
ANSWER: Many couples discover that the wife cannot orgasm from penile penetration alone. Therefore, if you have any worries about you or your husband having some malfunction, throw that thought out. It doesn’t mean anything negative about you or him. Actually, it may bother him more than it does you because some men feel that they may not be large enough or skilled enough if their wives do not orgasm during intercourse from penile penetration. However, that is not the problem. In actuality, there is NO problem. But, if you really want to try to have an orgasm that way, I have a few suggestions. Continue reading