Q: My husband is addicted to porn and our marriage has been suffering for the last 4 years. We tried counseling about a year and a half ago and just a few months ago he tried going to a coach. He thinks we need to work on our marriage. I don’t believe it will do any good as long as he is not working on the porn addiction, but he won’t listen. Any advice?

A: Why not work on your marriage and his porn problem at the same time?

First, the porn. Find Celebration Recovery in your area and urge your husband to go. You can find the closest meeting by clicking here. Insist that he go. After all, you are in the driver’s seat in this situation. If he doesn’t want to get the help he needs, I suggest you consider making him do so anyway. Addicts don’t do well with their addictions until they have to face the consequences of those addictions. No matter how much you complain, as long as an addict can get away with his addiction, he will. Write a contract telling him what you will do if you find out he is using porn. Sign it and give it to him. If you catch him, you MUST do what you said you would do in the contract and make him face consequences or the contract is useless.

Many couples who attend our LovePath 911 workshop for couples in crisis have at least one spouse with an addiction. This workshop is not designed to deal with addictions, but we have found that addicts who complete the three-day workshop now have the motivation to deal with their addictions.

Our LovePath 911 workshops usually are held in Nashville, Tennessee.

Q: Read your blog “husband angry, unable to forgive.” Joe, this is my situation almost exactly; except my wife says she doesn’t love me and wants a divorce. I haven’t been the right kind of husband for years, but I thought I was, so I wouldn’t budge, and she detached herself from me and then the “mistake” came. HELP !!!

A: Forgive me if my assumption is wrong, but I assume the mistake you refer to is that your wife is (or has been) involved with another man. As you saw in my blog to which you refer, I don’t view that as a mistake but a very poor decision leading to wrong actions. Nevertheless, you say she wants to divorce you. Let’s talk about how you may be able to turn that around.

You admit that you “wouldn’t budge” over the years. Often we see that in men. The wife complains about the relationship, wanting more, but the husband tends to defend himself with, “Hey, I’m not running around on you, drinking to much, gambling, (whatever), so we have a good marriage.” While it is important that those type negative things do not occur, you cannot build a marriage by what you do NOT do. To build a marriage, or any type relationship, each person must do what it takes to make love grow. Leave it to itself, untended, and it slowly dies. Of course, you now know that, so forgive me for emphasizing the point. (I do so for others who have not yet found themselves in your situation.)

If your wife is a Christian or has strong moral values, you may wish to find people that she respects and get them to do an intervention to try to save your marriage. It is unlikely to work if you do the intervention, but if people she respects follow the guidelines in the link in the last sentence, it may well be possible to turn this situation around.

If not, you may wish to consider asking her if she will come with you to one of our weekend workshops for marriages in crisis. From what you write, it appears that she wouldn’t wish to come to save the marriage, but it is fascinating that many people will come for other reasons such as:

• being able to say they’ve tried everything,
• get a better deal in the divorce,
• get minister/parents/children/friends off their backs,
• clear their consciences,
• and many other reasons.

The wonderful thing is that even if they do not wish to be there, we still have a three out of four chance of saving their marriages if we can just get them into the workshop for all three days.

In the meantime, pray. Pray with all your heart, mind, and soul. Ask God to intervene and put blockades in the way of your divorce and create situations that can lead to the reconciliation of your marriage. Also, tell him honestly (don’t lie to the Father) that you WILL change as you learn how to be the husband you need to be.

In the meantime, for more information, call us at 866-903-0990 or click here.

Q: I went through several of your past posts that led me to your article on Intervention. I started thinking about the interactions with my wife. Every few days, we have a question and answer session about something that is nothing, but made to be an affair or deceit on my part. It usually ends with, “it will come out in the end” or “it will come out in court”. Our conversations don’t go anywhere. They have the same pattern – anger, yelling, sarcasm, threats, blame etc. When I confront, most of the time, I heard statements like “I don’t remember” or “I didn’t say that” or just plain denial which then leads to the anger, yelling,  etc . People from my church have been having conversations with my wife. They report that there has been little success in the conversations, all having the same elements with me being blamed for everything, my past sins being brought up as present day and no personal responsibility for her own actions. I know that I stopped being listened to and heard a long time ago. I am starting to find that others aren’t being listened to either. I believe my wife may be going through the stages of delusion discussed in the Intervention document, somewhere between stages 3 and 4. I am running out of options. I see intervention as my last hope. Will it work for anger?

A: Anger is based in hurt and pain. When a person expresses anger, it may be toward the person with whom the pain is associated, or it may be toward someone just because he is close by and an easy target. Though I am not a therapist or counselor (web sites continually get that wrong and describe me as a marriage counselor), I know that effective therapists don’t ask, “What are you angry about?” but instead ask, “Where do you hurt?” If they can get to the base of the pain, they find the base of the anger.

Can anger be an addiction? Read this quote from the Anger Management Training Institute, “…in the same way that some people embrace drugs or alcohol or eating or sex to get a temporary reduction in their level of emotional pain, others simply wrap themselves in an impermeable cloak of anger that protects them and gives them a short-lived sense of power over all threats, real and imagined. Once this pernicious relationship with anger has been hardwired into the addictive mechanisms of the brain, getting an anger addict to talk about not getting angry anymore works about as well as getting an alcoholic to talk about not drinking anymore.” They, and others who write about anger, sometimes refer to it as rageaholism. So, yes, it appears that at least some in the therapeutic fields see anger itself as an addiction, even though based on some inner pain.

As you saw in the Intervention document, interventions are best done not by the spouse him- herself but by those that are trusted by the person who needs the intervention. You refer to people from your church. If that means your wife goes to another church, or has a different set of people in whom she has confidence, you will need to find your intervention team from those people. Interventions from people who aren’t known well or who are virtual strangers typically get a “what gives you the right to put your nose in my business” kind of response.

Because I am not an anger expert, I am not the best source to figure how to do this. However, I’m sure that a Google Trip will find plenty of resources in your local area, as well as great information from experts around the world.

No one can live a lifetime of being berated, chastised, impugned, and maligned. At least no one can live a happy lifetime, or even a fulfilling lifetime, when constantly targeted by anger from an individual. My friend Willard Harley calls it a love buster: He writes that continual angry outbursts eventually destroy love completely.

Of course, we are thinking totally from your point of view. If you were doing those things that your wife accuses you of, my answer would be very different…aimed at you rather than her.

Q: I am a 67 old woman–widowed–I have been dating a 71 year old widower for 2 years—I believe it is wrong to live in a sexual relationship before marriage–no matter what age you are or what your circumstances are–He on the other hand thinks it is okay because we have both been married before–and are older and more mature, and etc.  We have broken up numerous times because of this issue–but really are attracted to each other–I think we love each other–but I am not ready to get married again –at least not right now–is it wrong to keep seeing him -knowing he wants more from me–He keeps pushing me to travel with him and make our relationship more intimate– I am really torn–because I want to be with him–but I want my independence and want to practice my moral values—I do not find this particular issue addressed in many places–could you please give me some advice on how to handle this situation?  Thank you

A: It seems that when one person wishes to do what another person wishes not to do, they can be very creative with their arguments — even if the arguments really don’t address the matter at hand. For example, what difference does it make if you are older or that you have been married before or that you have had sex previously in your life? Do any of those things change your belief system about right and wrong? In short, the man wants you and is finding whatever words he can that might influence you to yield. However, you stated that YOU believe that it’s wrong to be in a sexual relationship outside of marriage no matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. If that is what you believe, then stick to your beliefs.

Integrity is the willingness to surrender everyone and everything for one precious jewel — to know within “I did what was right.”

I wrote the above sentence a couple years ago, had it printed elegantly on special paper, framed it, and gave it to each of my three daughters for Christmas. If they learn nothing else in life from me but that one principle, I did my job well.

So at age 67, why would you want to sacrifice your own integrity by violating your own beliefs? If you are sure that you do not yet wish to be married again, and also firm in your belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then your suitor either has to back off entirely on his wanting you to have sex with him, or you need to send him on his way. Why? Because usually even the strongest person finally will yield if pressed long enough. Decide what is more important to you; his companionship or your inner peace.

Then act accordingly.

Q:  My marriage has been in crisis for a couple of years now. I made a terrible terrible mistake a couple of years ago.  My husband and myself tried to work things out.  I thought he had forgiven me then but he did not.  I took him for granted and felt that everything was ok and continued on with life.  Now there is very limited communication.  I guess I can use the word separation but living in the same house.  Divorce has been mentioned but I felt like that was not an option.  I have spoken to him and begged for him to give us another try.  Anger and rage etc.. has over taken his heart.  And I truly understand.  But to make a long story short I so want this to work but don’t know what to do.

A: I’m so sorry that you made your “terrible mistake” a couple years ago. If the “mistake” is what I assume it is, in actuality it wasn’t a mistake but a wrong decision. I don’t wish to sound mean, but a mistake is hitting the wrong key on the keyboard. Doing something that you do willingly, even if it is the wrong thing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s done on purpose. As we have all learned about life, every decision and every action have both short-term consequences and long-term consequences. No, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to help you understand that if your husband hears you referring to your actions as a mistake, he likely will hear it as your not taking full responsibility for what happened. You don’t want him to view it that way.

Allow me to share with you an acronym that I use to help people turn ACHE into ACHED (in other words, move it from the present to the past so that it can be gotten over.)

A – acknowledge your husband’s hurt. Whatever anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. he feels, you validate as being his right and that you understand and accept that your actions led to these emotions. Don’t blame him or offer any excuses. Make sure that you affirm his hurt and your role in it. Don’t do it boldly, but gently and with obvious remorse.

C – confessyour wrong. People often ask me if they have to give details about what they did. My reply is that if you ever want to be trusted again you must answer all questions as openly and honestly as possible. Realize that you will see more anger and hurt in your husband as you “tell all.” As in step one, acknowledge that and affirm it as his right to feel these emotions. Your revelation should be accomplished by strong words such as “sorry” rather than weak words such as “apologize.” Give no rationalization and don’t even try to explain how it happened unless he asks for that information. Hopefully you did that a couple years ago. If not, it’s not too late.

H – hear to understand. He won’t be able to get past the anger until he has had opportunity to spill all of it on you. Don’t focus on his words that hurt, but the words that help you understand the consequences in his life, heart, and soul. Make sure that you really, really understand what he feels and why he feels it. Again, offer no defense. Your job here isn’t to justify self, it is to understand his pain and the anger that comes from it.

E – emotionally connect. If you are listening closely to his pain, you will begin to feel some of what he feels. That may sound harsh and way too large a price to pay, but until he feels that you can understand not just what he is saying but also what he is feeling, he will have a difficult time forgiving and moving on. Again, the goal here is to validate him and to affirm his right to feel what he feels.

D – dothe right thing. If he needs to track your whereabouts for a while, let him. If he feels insecure for a while, go out of your way to make him feel secure. No one can live under constant surveillance and judgment forever, so don’t plan to do this for more than a year or so. But you may need to do it that long to help him overcome his fear of being hurt again.

Another part of doing the right thing is to cut off ALL contact with the person you made your “mistake” with. If you go to the same church, change churches. If you work for the same employer, change jobs (unless it is CERTAIN that you will never have contact with each other because he’s in one location and you are many miles away.) A hurt spouse heals very, very slowly if the spouse who did the hurting still has opportunity to see the other person. No matter what – even if you feel responsible for the other guy – you must not have any contact with him at all. Do the right thing.

There is more, but you get the idea. You can read more about forgiveness in my new book Your LovePath. You may also wish to consider asking your husband to come to our turnaround weekend for marriages in trouble. We will do quite a bit to help each of you move ahead and leave the past hurt behind. You can find out more by clicking here.

Q: My husband and I have been married for 15 years.  During that time, he got into Internet porn & body piercings.  He finally let that go 3 years ago, but then I suspect had an emotional affair with a gal at his work.  He vehemently denies this, but she was talked to at work about her actions so others had also noticed.  I have lost so much respect for him during the years, even though he has come a long way spiritually during the last three.  We are in deep trouble.  Neither of us is fulfilling needs. We have 3 children and neither of us believes in divorce. In a nutshell, how do I push the “reset” button on my marriage when I really don’t want to be with this person anymore?

A: Fifteen years of bad stuff certainly builds up tons of hurt, resentment, and anger. In the workshop that I lead for couples in crisis, it isn’t unusual for half or more of the couples present to have been married about fifteen years. Though I don’t have statistics on this, it seems that is a natural “I’ve had enough of this” time frame and one or the other just wants out.

The good news is that your husband has been trying to change for the last three years. Obviously, his emotional connection to another woman indicates that he hasn’t been doing as well at it as one would hope. But if he is trying, and if he wants to save the marriage, there is a way for you to push the reset button.

Let me mention three things that have to happen. I’m sorry that I don’t have space to elaborate on them, but the points are valid. If you wish to know more, you can find it in my book Your LovePath. Or if your marriage is in serious crisis, I strongly urge you to consider coming enrolling in one of the weekend workshops that I lead, called LovePath 911.

1. For any marriage to get better, BOTH parties have to stop doing those things destroying their relationship. If the couple can talk calmly and openly, they can figure out most of these on their own. If they communicate with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or hurt, they likely need the help of a strong workshop or professional counselor to identify the actions that must cease.

2. The only way to get over the past is to learn to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion; it’s a decision. You decide not to take vengeance on the person who hurt you. You decide not to let your life be governed by your hurt. As long as one clings tenaciously to past harm, there is little likelihood of a good future.

3. BOTH parties have to start doing the things to make love grow. That’s what I wrote about in Your LovePath. It’s also the central theme of our weekend turnaround workshop. As said before, if the couple can communicate calmly and maturely, then they likely can figure this out for themselves. If not, it will be very difficult to do without the right help.

The foundation to your question is that you do not want to divorce. Because you do not, then whatever it takes, find/do what needs to be done to turn this marriage around.

Q: Last night my husband told me that we haven’t had foreplay since we have been married.  I am stunned by this, but not completely in that I know I can’t live up to his Internet porn fantasies.  I’m married to an admitted sexual addict. What do I do?

A: Being married to an admitted sexual addict is tough, especially when you feel that he is comparing your lovemaking actions with those of people in porn.

You are so right when you say that you cannot live up to his “Internet porn fantasies.” No one can. I’m pretty sure that if he were married to a “porn star” she couldn’t live up to them either. Unless a person has an addiction, an emotional problem, sexual dysfunction, or mood disorder, she doesn’t have sex all day long every day, yet in a porn movie she (or he) has sex with a new partner doing new things every time the scene changes. It makes it appear that these actors will do anything with anyone at anytime and anywhere. However, because they are actual human beings, that isn’t the case. They perform for the camera, collect their checks, and go home. As they get older, they typically get out of porn — at least the acting part — and move on to something else.

So, yes, it is a fantasy for everyone involved. I once asked a stripper that I was trying to help how it felt to have such power over men. She replied that it is all a fantasy based on financial transactions. That pretty well sums it up. Porn actors have frenetic sex on camera whenever they get a paying role. “High class” call girls sometimes pretend to be girlfriends as well as sexual partners if the client is wealthy enough to afford her service. It’s not about sex; it’s about money. One person pays another to play a role and if the pay is good enough, they play it enthusiastically. But it’s acting, not relating, caring, or loving.

Are some of these folks in the adult industry (or amateurs on the Internet) suffering from addictions, emotional problems, sexual dysfunctions (such as hyperactive sexual drive disorder), or mood disorders? Sure. These folks will have sex on camera (or whatever) without necessarily being paid, but whoever lives with them has a miserable life interacting with a person with such problems. They don’t need more sex; they need professional help to learn to love themselves in the right way. If your husband were married to one of them, they would at first feed their sexual addictions and then generally destroy each other emotionally.

I wrote all that to affirm what you already know in your mind, but I hope to make sure you know it in your heart: You are not the problem and you should NOT try to be what he wants you to be in terms of these fantasies. Being a good lover is important in a marriage, but fulfilling sexual obsessions can hurt more than it helps.

I suggest that you demand that he find a local group of Sexaholics Anonymous and attend regularly. Our seminar for troubled marriages can be extremely helpful as well.

Q: My wife caught my son masturbating. She is shocked. What do I tell him? What do I tell her?

A: It’s certainly understandable that a mother would not be happily surprised to walk in on her son and catch him masturbating. Probably shock is the right word for what she would feel. However, as you would imagine, this occurrence is NOT unique, and, therefore, in the general sense not shocking at all. I think we can pretty well assume that parents have caught their children masturbating for as long as their have been parents and children.

The first time your son or daughter “played” their genitalia was at a very young age. Lots of parents have experienced a two or three year old son showing them his first erection and doing so with total innocence. He isn’t ashamed but curious and wants you to tell him what’s happening. Wise parents don’t faint, scream, or perform an exorcism when that happens. It’s just a natural part of life and the kid’s body tried out the equipment. He’ll forget it even happened — unless you traumatize him — and will discover the experience all over again when he is a teen; only this time he won’t show you or tell you about it. It’s just the way we are made.

Similarly, many parents happen upon their daughters at about the same age (2 or 3) rubbing their clitoris. The little girlds aren’t perverts; they just discovered something on their body that felt good when they rubbed it. Soon they’ll forget it’s there and will rediscover it about a decade later. Again, wise parents take it in stride, don’t make a disaster out of the situation, and help their children understand modesty and such without making them feel guilty or that they’ve done something wrong. Nothing evil is taking place. A kid is just being a kid and exploring thier body.

That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be unconcerned if your six year old orders dirty movies from the cable company, or if your seven year old daughter is masturbating and has an interest in sex far beyond what is typical for her age. When a child is a couple years old, it’s exploration. When s/he gets older, it truly is sexual and typically that doesn’t happen until about the teen years. If it happens earlier, it is definitely worth looking into with a counselor/therapist who is trained especially to work with children. Grammar school kids unusually interested  in sex, or caught doing sexual things (with self or others) need to be gently and carefully examined and evaluated. There is a likelihood that someone older has been teaching the child what children shouldn’t be taught.

To answer your question, I assume that the boy caught by his Mom is a teenager and not a first grader. That changes the picture. Teens sometimes masturbate. Boy teens and girl teens. Hormones are flooding through their bodies that they don’t understand. Hair is growing where hair didn’t use to be. Voices change and bodies begin doing things they didn’t do before (such as the onset of menses). The yucky boy or girl down the street isn’t so repulsive anymore. Running from cooties evolves into running after cuties. Somewhere in this change, a boy or girl likely will discover that a certain part of their bodies swells and has interesting sensations when they think of sexual things. Most will masturbate to enjoy the sensation and to gain the tension release that comes with completion.

Does that make it right? Not necessarily, but it does make it natural.

There are some who think the story of Onan in the Old Testament (Genesis 38) is a clear example of God’s condemning masturbation. Actually, in context it is a clear example of God’s reaction to a man who was given a specific duty (impregnate his dead brother’s wife so that the deceased brother would have an heir) and then didn’t do as commanded. He turned it into an event for his own sexual gratification rather than to give his brother an heir. I don’t see any reference to masturbation there. Actually, there is no reference to masturbation anywhere in the Bible that I can find. So when you ask what God thinks about masturbation, you have to rely on Biblical principles rather than a specific Biblical statement.

We know that a married person is told not to lust after someone other than his/her spouse. Jesus called that adultery in the book of Matthew. One of my friends said he knows that masturbation is wrong because you cannot do it without lusting for someone you are not married to. I asked if it would be okay for a married man to lust after his own wife and masturbate while on a business trip. He didn’t know how to answer that question. From my viewpoint, masturbation isn’t wrong unless it is focused on a person you don’t have a right to. A married couple, for example, could masturbate together and there would be no sin.

So how does this relate to a teenage boy caught by his Mom?

In my opinion, Dad or Mom or both sit down with the boy and go over all the information about the “birds and the bees.” Talk openly with your son about sex and what it is intended to do both in terms of procreation and as an expression of love and commitment. Help him understand that if he focuses on some specific girl — either one he knows or has seen in a magazine, online, or whatever — he is lusting after someone he has not right to. IF he can masturbate and concentrate on the physical sensation rather than sex with a person he shouldn’t be having sex with, I see that as natural and not sinful. I’m not suggesting that you encourage him to masturbate. There is pretty good evidence that if a person masturbates a great deal, it will negatively affect a fulfulling sexual relationship with a spouse. If he wants to have great sex with his wife to be, whoever she may be, he should not “mess up the wiring” by excessive masturbation now or ever. Of course, then there needs to be a discussion of how NOT to shock Mom or anyone else in the future by ensuring privacy.

Finally, I would talk with him about porn and how that if he uses it, especially with masturbation, he will set himself up for expectations in marriage that no woman will ever fulfill. Not even a porn actress. Those actresses don’t crave sex every minute of every day and they are not willing to do anything anywhere. They do it on screen for a reward, usually money, and then they walk out the door being an everyday person with a real life just like the rest of us, and real life isn’t nonstop sex. If he wishes to set up expectations that will never come to be in his life, he will never be happy. Every decision and every action has both short-term and long-term consequences.

In summary: Don’t panic. Don’t make your son feel like some sort of pervert. Teach him and help him learn how to make good decisions. Whatever you do, don’t ruin his future by making normal sexual desire into something of Satan.

Q: My husband tells me all I am good for is sex.  He tells me to that it is my duty as his wife to have sex or to do other sexual things with him whenever he wants it, but he does not respect me.  He makes jokes about me and insults me in front of other people and my children (including things that I have told him during intimate times about our sex life).  I do not feel comfortable having sex with him, being intimate, or even just telling him my feelings for fear that he will bring it up to other people as a joke.  When I have confronted him and asked him please not to do this, he denies it or says that I should hear what the guys at his work say about their wives. We have a lot of other problems as well, which all boil down to his lack of respect of me, but his main complaint is that I don’t give him sex when he wants it.  I have filed for divorce, but am considering going to a marriage retreat for couples in crisis.  I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like when I talk to him he just gets mad and says I don’t do anything he wants me to.(referring to sex)  I have tried and tried to explain to him that my lack of trust for him makes me uncomfortable in intimate situations where my guard is down, but he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He just replies with “I don’t talk about you.” How should I handle this?  I know that sex is an important part of a marriage, but how do I have sex with someone that thinks so little of me to insult me all the time?  I have been in this marriage for 8 yrs.  We got married, because I was pregnant and my husband has never treated me with respect even when we were dating. Should I try to save my marriage even though he always has put me down?

A: If a marriage can be salvaged, it should be salvaged. It’s great that you are willing to go a weekend for marriages in crisis. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I suggest you go to www.MarriageHelper.com and check out the weekend workshop that I personally lead for marriages in crisis.

However, a marriage cannot be good if one person feels disrespected by the other. We all want someone in our lives with whom we can feel safe sharing our secrets, our innermost thoughts, desires, and the like. The ideal is for that to occur in marriage. Yet you write that when you shared your innermost self with your husband, rather than protecting your secrets he broadcast them to others, denying he was doing anything wrong and even seeing humor in doing it. That is a terrible thing for anyone to do to another person, but especially the person you’re married to and supposed to “be there” for. You obviously cannot share any more of your thoughts or ideas with him unless you want the world to hear them. Be wise; don’t open up yourself to him until he learns how to be trustworthy.

As to sex, yes, it is part of the marriage agreement. Check 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and you’ll see that God commanded it. However, what happens when one spouse violates the sanctity of the marriage bond but demands that the other spouse do whatever he wants? Reluctance, then resistance, and finally, refusing altogether. If he wishes you to do your “wifely duties,” then you have every right to demand that he be the leader and first do his “husbandly duties.” Tell him that when you can trust him again to share your innermost self, when he stops ridiculing you in private or public, and when he learns that you must be treated with respect and dignity, he can and will have a wonderful sex life with you. Of course, if you promise that and he does those things, you must do as you promised.

Though there is Biblical command for husband’s and wive’s to fulfill each other sexually, there are also Biblical commands for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Those commands are just as important, if not more so, than any concerning sex. You’re his wife, not his prostitute nor his sex slave. Demand that he treats you as a wife deserves to be treated and if he refuses, make him face the consequences of his behavior by doing whatever you need to do to have a life with dignity.

Q: I am a Christian and my husband claimed to be one and attended church when we met. We’ve been married one and it’s been a war, not a marriage. All his life he was attracted to and lusted after pretty women with long hair. Of course, he kept this hidden from me. A friend of his told him before we met that he went after women like a shark. He’s admitted his thirst for women. He wouldn’t miss looking for them. While driving he’d watch in the rear view mirror and if they’d pass us, he’d turn his head a full turn to watch them go by. In restaurants he’d keep looking at them. Driving by he’d turn his head looking if they were on the sidewalks. In church. We tried a couple of churches and he’d pick out a pretty women sitting alone. He’d keep looking at them. Staring, really. During tv commercials he could be reading the paper. If he’d hear a female voice, he’d put the paper down long enough to check them out. If they were pretty, he’d watch the commercial. If they weren’t pretty, he’d continue reading the paper.  Most of our married life this habit persisted. We had screaming battles to put it mildly. He claims it’s out of him now. I can’t know because he claimed that repeatedly in the past and wasn’t over it yet. But even if he is, the damage is done in me. He has destroyed several things in me. I can longer trust him. When we’re apart, or even if he’s just outside I’m wondering how many women he’s staring at. That’s what he did. And right in front of me. Stare and stare at these women. Every time I see a pretty woman I now feel so ugly. And, compared to the women he stared at, I am ugly. I don’t feel I have any respect left for him. He claims to love me. He didn’t know what true love is. He’s been married 5 times and been through an unbelievable amount of women. He should consider the problem could be him. But he doesn’t want to hear that. And he won’t talk. He’ll scream for a moment and then storm off. I tell him I need to talk. He won’t. He almost acts like he can’t. I don’t believe this marriage will last. He treats me fine when we’re not fighting, but, we’re usually fighting. We fight almost daily. It’s ridiculous. I’ve prayed over and over about it and given it to God. I know, according to the Bible, he’s committed heart adultery over and over. He claims to be sorry. He claimed that over and over and would yet persist in his addiction to women. I don’t know if I have any more love left for him. If so, not much.  I tried and tried to get him to agree for us to get help. He never would. I don’t know whether  to tell him to leave or not. It is my home. I don’t feel there is any hope. Does God expect me to live like this indefinitely?

A: You are right, of course, that in Matthew 5:28 Jesus said, ^“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” However, as I began reading your email, I confess that I found myself wondering if he were as bad as you say or if your own insecurity might exacerbate your concern. I also confess that by the time I got to the end, I came to believe that he does have a problem.

If I understand correctly, at least the good news is that he is not physically active with any of these women. Not saying that makes it right; just that it would be even worse if he were. I understand that his continual staring at other women makes you feel “ugly.” It seems to me that women regularly compare themselves with other women and in their minds often come off as second. His actions hurt and you have every right to be hurt by them.

When you say that after five marriages it should occur to him that he may be the problem. I don’t mean to be offensive, but I wonder why you didn’t think the same thing before marrying him — that he has a problem. The old adage is that women marry men thinking they will change and men marry women thinking that they will never change. He was what he was; he is what he is. If he changes, it will be through what is called “a significant emotional event.” The good news is that those can happen. The bad news is that the often they don’t.

Do you have a right to leave a man who continues in sin though he continues to say that he won’t do it again? Forgiving a person who repeatedly sins and asks forgiveness is Biblical. (Matthew 18:21-22) Living with that person is another thing altogether. We can forgive and love the person but we do not have to tolerate his/her continued misbehavior. In my opinion, the Matthew passage you cited gives you right to divorce him. BUT WAIT! (Always wanted to say that…) Before you do, there is more to try.

I strongly suggest you check out our workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911.