“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.”

Simple enough to understand, isn’t it? Maybe not. Watch what happens to the meaning when you change emphasis from one word to another. Read each of the following sentences aloud emphasizing the word that is bolded, italicized, and underlined. As you do, notice how the implication of the sentence changes.

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that it wasn’t me that heard it. My knowledge is secondhand.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I believe he yelled at his wife but I didn’t personally hear it. Therefore, I’m telling you what I think, not what I know.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I did hear someone yell at his wife, but it wasn’t him.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I heard him communicate something to his wife but that he wasn’t yelling.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I heard him yelling, but not at his wife.)

One simple sentence of eight words, but changing emphasis gives it at least six possible meanings. No wonder our world of text messages and emails causes so much confusion. Even face-to-face conversation fails when either the speaker or hearer misses or misconstrues the inflections of specific words.

What’s the lesson?

Communication takes place only when the hearer receives the same thought that the speaker sends. Most of the time, we don’t take time to make sure that happens. However, in matters of importance or possible emotional reaction, it is wise for the speaker to genuinely and sincerely ask the hearer to feed back the message received. Also, when a message heard seems unusual, uncomfortable, or distressing, it is wise for the hearer to repeat back what s/he understood to make sure that the intended message was the one received.

In short, pay attention, don’t react to what the other person might have said, and take the time to make sure that both are understanding the same thing.

That song brought another thought to my mind. Tonight, how many children will beg God for the most important Christmas present they’ve ever asked for, “Please, God, keep my family together.” Bickering, fighting couples often increase their negativity toward each other through December. That’s likely why January reportedly has more divorce filings than any other month. And it’s not just children praying with all their hearts. Parents, brothers, sisters, and friends ask God for the same thing for couples whose marriages are in crisis.

If you are married and hurting, you can change things before Christmas day. Yes, it can be done. I’ve witnessed it repeatedly over the last decade. Marriages, seemingly impossible marriages, healed and put on a very different path in just three days. Miracle? Yep. But what better time of year to ask for and receive a miracle?

Don’t let Christmas come with tears, anger, or frustration. Do something now. Before Christmas. Call 1-866-903-0990 and we’ll listen. We’ve helped thousands of other marriages turn around. For the sake of all who love you…and for the sake of yourself…give us the chance to make this Christmas the best you’ve ever had.

Nothing is impossible when miracles occur.

A: The emotional roller coaster that your husband went through is called limerence. For detailed information, see chapter four in Your LovePath. The short version is this: When a person becomes that enamored with another (obsessive thinking, unable to see the other’s faults, great longing to be with that person, etc.) the brain produces more dopamine and less serotonin. That means that they have feelings of ecstasy while at the same time losing inhibition. In short, they go a little crazy for a while. A person in that state typically lies, covers actions, and does all sorts of rationalizing and justifying in his/her mind. That’s why your husband could convince himself that it would be okay to leave you and your children.

IF he is over the limerence, you have a decent chance to make a good marriage if you let him come back home. If he is still in limerence, then he will continue the deceptive behavior until someone helps him overcome that. Either way — forgive the commercial — I feel strongly that we can help. Working with couples when one is in limerence with someone else is one of our specialities. While I cannot guarantee success, odds are good; we are able to help save three of four marriages. You can find out more about that workshop here.

If you choose to take a chance and allow him back home, do something (even if it is not my workshop) to repair the marriage. Do not think that you can go on as if nothing happened or you may one day find yourself in a similar situation.

A: Unfortunately, your score is the one that would be unusual while your friends’ scores would more likely represent the general population. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is an outstanding sex expert, researcher, and writer. Recently he wrote me, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” In short, sex ain’t always great…

However, there are ways to increase sexual pleasure and fulfillment as long as both partners have positive, realistic expectations. Kudos to you for wishing to help your friends with that. There are several books available that guide couples through processes to enhance their sex lives. Forgive the commercial, but some universities use my book Becoming One in this area. The book has three sections, becoming one emotionally, becoming one sexually, and becoming one spiritually. In my estimation, a married couple cannot work on just one of those areas, but must work on all three to make their relationship and sex lives better. I also recommend unreservedly any relationship and/or sex books by Les and Leslie Parrott. You can find them on Amazon as well as other book sites.

You may wish to refer your friends to the Christian Nymphos web site. (Yes, I’m serious. The site exists and is written by Christian women to help each other have better sex lives with their husbands. Tell ‘em Joe sent you.)

Also, help your friends think about these matters:

• Women who are fatigued have difficulty getting aroused.
• Anyone overweight, man or woman, will have associated sexual problems.
• When working on better sex lives, most people need to start with the other dimensions of their relationship.
• Toys can help. So can variety.
• There are ways to overcome sexual inhibitions while still adhering to one’s beliefs and values. (I have a “sexual experimentation scale” that I’m testing with couples right now. Email me at ask@JoeBeam.com if you would like to be part of my testing of this profile.)

The four areas that sex therapists often work with are Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Satisfaction.

• If a person has limited or no desire but can become physiologically, emotionally, and psychologically aroused so that s/he can enjoy sex and be orgasmic, then she will do well to have sex regularly without waiting for desire to be strong.
• If arousal or orgasm rarely or never occurs, then explore whether the situation is situational (this person, this place, this time, etc.) or global (she would still have these problems even if she were married to a hunk and life was absolutely wonderful).
• If satisfaction relies on impossible expectations or fantasies, sex will never be what she wants it to be.

Better yet, ask them to join me at http://www.marriagehelper.com/marriage_forums in the section about sex and we’ll interact about any and all questions, thoughts, problems, etc. I’m happy to discuss these matters directly and help in any way that I can.

A: Though I, as always, withheld your identity, I think it helpful to our readers to know this question is from a wife. As you say, this happens more than most people imagine. Recently I corresponded about this with my friend Brian Alexander who writes the Sexploration column for MSNBC. We discussed the varying reports of how many American married couples participate in “the alternative lifestyle” that used to be called swinging, and before that wife-swapping. There is no clear answer because much of the so-called research fails miserably in meeting scientifically acceptable research standards and procedures. The more reliable research has been done by actual scholars rather than people with an agenda. A quick scan of scholarly articles indicates that somewhere between 1.7% and 4% of the married couples in the USA have, or are participating in some form of consensual sex with others.  That’s quite a number of couples. According to the US census, there were 54.5 million married couples in the USA in the year 2000. Using that number, 1.7% would be a little shy of a million couples, and 4 % would be over two million couples. Either way, that’s a LOT of couples.

However, as you stated, “that does not make it right.”

My friend Brian at MSNBC has a different world view than mine. He’s an agnostic and I’m a Christian. (Yes, we really are friends. I like the guy a lot.) Yet when Brian wrote an article about swinging, he penned, “…swinging can be a minefield of jealousy and I shouldn’t have to remind you that we are living in the age of AIDS, herpes and a stew of other sexually transmitted diseases. Indeed, swinging often sounds more fun than it is. Ads for swing clubs often depict extremely sexy women and handsome men, but try going to a nude beach someday. Take a look around. Those are the types of bodies you are most likely to encounter at a swing party. Personals advertising swinging couples often beg for single men to stay away because many more men are interested in swinging than women. Remember, sometimes the fantasy of something is better than the reality.”

I don’t hang out at nude beaches, but I see the folks walking by me on the streets and get his point about that. However, it seems you have a particular couple in mind, and if that is the case you likely see them as attractive. I wondered if that is why you went on to list your reasons that would lead you to think it okay. Your points were:

1. It would turn on your “pilot light” and make sex better for your husband and you.

2. You would only do it briefly and not actually go into that lifestyle.

3. It would be better to do this than commit adultery.

Let me respond to those in order…

1. If you and your husband consensually involve yourselves in sex with other couples, or having sex in the same room as another couple (soft swinging), that could, indeed, rev up the passion of the sex act. Admittedly, over time a couple has sex less often and, as anyone that has been married for a while can attest, it can get boring. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is one of the leading sex experts, researchers, and wrters in America. He wrote me recently, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” His point is that a natural part of life is that sex isn’t always going to be great, exciting, and all that kind of thing. That’s why the most important thing in a marriage isn’t sex, but the bonding between husband and wife that develops a deep, loving, life-long commitment. There are many ways to spice up a sex life in marriage without involving other people, but no matter what you do — even swinging — sex in and of itself isn’t going to be what you apparently think it is going to be.

2. As to the “get in and get out” and be excited by the memories of the brief excursion, you know that isn’t realistic. If you found it exciting, you would repeat it. If you found it repulsive, you would develop very negative feelings toward your husband for being involved in it. Remember the commercial about no one being able to eat just one potato chip? Telling yourself it would be brief and not a lifestyle is a well-used and very effective form of self delusion. If you enjoyed it physically, the reality is that eventually you would have to have it to become sexually aroused and never again would your husband alone be enough for you. Remember what Brian wrote above about “minefield of jealousy”? We have worked with the couples that started into swinging and eventually; 1) one of them fell in love with another sex partner, 2) one of them (usually the wife, but not always) started comparing themselves to the other sex partners and felt ugly, unexciting, etc., 3) sex became more important than relationship and they became strangers living in the same house. In short, this line of thinking just isn’t valid.

3. Having sex with another couple is adultery. The fact that it is consensual doesn’t mean that you aren’t violating your marriage covenant. That’s what adultery is; violation of the marriage covenant. That’s why lusting after someone you are not married to is already committing adultery. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). As to our “nature that was given to us” you referred to, Jesus went on immediately to say, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” In short, He said that if our flesh leads us to violate what should be holy, we’d be much better off to get rid of the flesh than the face the spiritual consequences.

Paul visits the theme of walking by the flesh or walking by the Spirit several times in his writings. For example, start at Galatians 5:19 and read the next several verses. Look up the definitions of the words used to describe the works of the flesh. The alternative lifestyle, swinging, wife-swapping, or whatever you wish to call it falls squarely within the description of walking by the flesh.

Could you avoid the flesh if you just have sex in the same room as another couple and not actually touch them? Think about it. It’s flesh, not Spirit. Sex is a bond between a man and a woman. It is not to be polluted, diluted, or intruded upon by involving any other person. Ever.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

A: This is a very difficult question.

On the one hand, I understand the wife’s emotional boundary that precludes her from wanting any physical contact with her husband as they try to solve their problems.

On the other hand, I know that in I Corinthians 7: 2-5 God said, “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (New International Version)

Rather than writing my own explanation of that verse, I’ll just quote the same verses from The Message. “It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ’stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.”

So, what is the husband to do? We know that if he forces himself on his wife, she will resent it and feel that she is being raped. If he forces himself on her, it actually is rape. However, the obligation placed on her if she is a child of God is that she is to be fulfilling him sexually as he is to fulfill her in the same way. I realize that an argument could be made that if he were fulfilling her in other aspects of marriage, she would want to make love to him. Yet, that isn’t mentioned in that verse. As my friend Bill Harley discovered a few years ago, when one partner starts fulfilling an important emotional need within the other, typically reciprocity takes place and each gets what they need. In short, by making love to him willingly, she increases the likelihood that he will do the things she wants in this marriage.

Why should she be the first one to do for the other? My response to all couples is that the one who is the most mature should make the first move. I believe that. Yet, there is also a level of need that should be considered. By nature, a man needs orgasm — just as by nature a woman needs orgasm — for many reasons ranging from relief of stress to decreasing likelihood of certain diseases. (Not making that up; it’s a medical fact.) The ideal would be that she is the most mature and that she fulfills his sexual need even before he starts fulfilling her most important emotional needs in marriage. However, if she cannot or will not, then I don’t know what will work in this matter unless he can survive as long as it requires for her to feel differently about him.

In the passage above, notice that even God recognizes that he may not. He says that a couple should not go without sexual fulfillment because they become more susceptible to temptation. I’m not saying that her refusal would justify adultery on his part, but I am saying that if he commits adultery, that passage indicates that she shares part of the blame.

I’d love to hear your comments.

A: Typically they make life as miserable as they can for the wife that left them. Usually the children, too, if there are any.

Spouses such as the one described in the post to which you refer are people who very much want to control every person close to them, and become furious when they cannot. If the controlled spouse finally has enough of the anger, belittling, and disrespect, they will leave if they believe they can do so without being harmed. However, if they have enough fear, they may stay for years, maybe a lifetime, because they lack the emotional strength to face the potential consequences. Some finally gain the courage to leave despite their fears. Others seek help from abuse centers in their local community or nearby cities. When they leave it is not uncomm0n for the abandoned spouse to increase his/her efforts to control by trying to stop them from leaving, or manipulating them to come back. Their behavior and actions may range from being charming, penitent, and seemingly broken to being angry, demanding, and dangerous.

Am I implying that the controlling spouse cannot change? He or she usually can change, though all to often they choose not to. For the change to be real, professional help nearly always is required to do one or more of the following:

1. Help the angry, controlling spouse overcome his/her anger and need to control

2. Create for both mates different marriage expectations and boundaries than previously existed

3. Help the controlled spouse deal with self-esteem and personal boundaries, while at the same time helping him/her to recognize personal flaws or failings. (This almost always requires a professional help. The person needs to learn how to stand up for self without becoming arrogant, self-righteous, or vengeful in the process.)

4. Create a system and pathway for resolution if the previous angry, controlling behavior returns, or if any other significant marriage problem develops. This, of course, may involve the intervention of others.

There is more, but this gives the idea. If both spouses adapt to this new way of interacting, the marriage may actually be saved.

If the marriage isn’t saved but the controlling spouse goes on to procures the help to learn how to overcome their anger and need to control, they may actually have a good marriage with a new person down the road.

On the other hand, if the controlling spouse continues in his/her angry ways, and the controlled spouse refuses to succumb to that control, after a while the controlling spouse typically will move on to another person but with the same pattern. If they find another who will react positively to them, they will establish a new relationship — perhaps even marry — but unless something very unusual occurs, they will soon be controlling the new partner as they did the one before. That pattern will continue throughout their lives until they find someone willing to live like that, (or too afraid to leave), and then they will continue controlling that person until death. It’s possible they may moderate some as they age, but it is just as likely, if not more so, that the older they get the meaner they become. Folks such as this usually don’t die well, and more people are thankful for their death than those who mourn it.

To summarize, there are three possible outcomes. The first is that they both get the help they need, save the marriage, and have a good life together. The second is that the controlling spouse goes ahead to get the needed help, even though the controlled spouse refuses to come back. In that case, they may have a good marriage with someone new. The third is that the controlling spouse continues their current course of behavior for a lifetime, and may God be with whomever they are in relationship with.

A: Allow me to do something that I rarely do in this blog. Rather than answering the question myself, I direct you to two books.

First, I strongly suggest you get a copy of Men’s Sexual Health by McCarthy and Metz because it will answer your question, and many of the other questions that come with it, in much greater detail than I can in this column.  I know both these clinician/researchers and have become friends with Barry McCarthy. Though our views aren’t always the same — mine fit within my Christian world view — I deeply respect what Barry and Michael have to share. Order a copy online or pick one up at your bookstore. If you find a statement that doesn’t jibe with your world view (for example, if you are Christian and something they suggest contradicts your value system), dismiss it for your situation and move on to thier next point.

Just the other day I consulted with Barry McCarthy before submitting an article about pornography to a Christian web site. These men have good sense, tons of research, and pull no punches in sharing with me what we men need to know about sexuality throughout our lives.

Second, you may wish to look in your library for The Science of Orgasm, by Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple. They explore the medical and scientific research about orgasm for both men and women. I have talked with Beverly Whipple and honor her for being listed as one of the fifty most influential scientists in the world. The world view of these three authors isn’t that of mine as a Christian, but their work is definitely a valid contribution to the knowledge we need about sex.

In chapter fifteen, Herbal Therapies, they discuss a few herbal products that have been tested in humans in double-blind, placebo-controlled studies. Obviously, I will not replicate their chapter here, but I will share a few points you may find interesting.

(You MUST not try any of the following products without first consulting your medical professional. Each has side effects and if you have certain conditions these side effects could be disastrous. Got it? Don’t use any of these without medical advice from the physician or pharamcist who knows your conditions and meds you take.)

GINGKO BILOBA

Of gingkgo biloba they write, “While more comprehensive and well-controlled studies are required, it seems that gingko may be one of the few herbs that have aphrodisiac properties.” However, it does not always have that affect and not do so for you. If your medical professional agrees and you try gingko biloba to enhance your sexual desire, you may wish to use Gingkoba because it is a German brand and in Germany this is a prescription drug. That likely makes it of very good quality. Also remember that the herb’s effect may not come until you’ve taken it for several weeks.

ARGINMAX

The authors refer to a study of the men’s version of ArginMax over a four-week period in which a sexual function questionnaire demonstrated an 89 percent increase in the ability to maintain an erection,  a 75 percent increase in satisfaction with overall sex live, and a 20 percent increase in number of orgasms. For a study of the women’s version of ArginMax they wrote, “Significant improvements in the ArginMax treatement group were also reported in sexual desire, reduction of vaginal dryness, frequency of sexual intercourse, and orgasm.”

That means that ArginMax may be more valid for women who wish to increase their sexual desire than for men.

Remember that various medicines one takes may affect his sexual desire. Ask your physician about how each of the meds you are on affects sex drive and ask if their are others he may transfer you to that have less effect. Similarly, be aware that your own physical condition, especially being overweight, will definitely negatively affect your sexual desire. Change to the right meds and get the exercise you need and you may not need anything else to make your sexual desire increase.

Finally, there is good indication that an active and fulfilling sex life leads to stronger sexual desire. Initiate sexual activity even when you are “not in the mood” and it may well be that your desire increases in a few weeks just by increasing your sexual activity.

Also I read your answer to the other virgin couple and what you say is really true. We should be talking about sex as Christians. Especially to couples getting married so that they can be better prepared. I know I still do not feel equipped to deal with it all.

A: An old axiom says, “For the first two years of your marriage, put a penny in a jar next to your bed every time you make love. After your second anniversary, take a penny out of the jar every time you make love. You’ll never empty that jar.” That’s overstating it a bit, obviously, but the truth in that axiom is that after being married for a while, the newness of exploring each other’s bodies and trying new things wears off and lovemaking becomes more about intimacy than excitement. (At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. If you wonder why, ask and I’ll answer in another column.)

A young husband worrying about missing twelve weeks a year actually is a good thing. It means that he wants you with his whole being and does not like the idea of not being able to have that passion every week of the year. The difficulty you have is that because he is a man, he doesn’t understand the physical effects of menses. No man can. I surely don’t. So to help him understand you’ll have to put it into his language. Help him picture having both emotional and physical discomfort at the same time, with an extra helping of moodiness mixed in. Maybe ask him how much he’d want to “fool around” during a week in which he drank a healthy chug of ipecac to wash down a dose of Ex-Lax every day. Yeah, gross, I know. Made me queasy just to write it. The idea is that he has no frame of reference to understand how you feel during your period and you will only be able to get him to grasp it when you tie it to something he can understand.

Now let me give the other side of this. I’m not trying to convince you to have sexual activity during your menstrual period, but there are actual medical benefits from it if you do. Women who orgasm during their menstrual period (whether the orgasm is from intercourse, masturbation, etc.) tend to have fewer and less intense cramps. They also decrease their likelihood of endometriosis. (Check out these and other interesting medical facts about orgasm in the book The Science of Orgasm. Not a bedside reader, but a truly scientific book that definitely isn’t porn.)

Orgasm is an analgesic but not an anesthetic. That means having an orgasm actually reduces pain  without decreasing sensation (amazing, huh?). Therefore, you may want to try having an orgasm with your husband, even if it is not by traditional intercourse if that is too uncomfortable, to see if there is a compromise the two of you can make so that both can be happy.

Either way, find a way to have intimacy, even if that isn’t sex as usual. There can always be holding, caressing, and expressions of love. If you find that orgasm during menses isn’t for you, you may find that leading him to orgasm in some fashion will be an incredible action on your part that will lead to reciprocal action on his part in other parts of your life together.

How much am I supposed to take? 

Lately I have been having dreams about other guys (that I don’t know) that show me affection or some sign that they care about me and it feels really good, but I always feel guilty in my dreams because something tells me, “you are married.”  One night the guy was about to tell me how he felt and kiss me and it made me feel so special, but I woke up right away.  It is sad because I wanted to go right back in that dream, and I actually tried. 

I just feel so broken down because I am alone in this relationship. I tell him what I need, for him to treat me well and give me hugs, etc., but he says he won’t change for anyone. Do you have any answers for me?

A: You aren’t alone. Time and again I hear from one spouse (usually the wife) about the controlling, angry nature of the other spouse. Maybe some of these statements from others reflect what you feel:

• I find myself thinking “how will he react” before I do anything. I live in fear that whatever I do, say, think, or feel will set him off.
• When he wants me to see it or do anything his way, he keeps on and on until he wears me down and I finally give in. Then he acts like I finally saw the light, but I feel overpowered and frustrated.
• He tells me that I don’t show him the respect he deserves, but it’s hard to respect a man who constantly runs you down and wants to control nearly everything you do
• He expects me to be a great lover and want him all the time, but I can’t go from being treated like a second-class citizen to all of a sudden becoming a sexual siren like he thinks I’m supposed to
• He constantly criticizes me for not building up his ego, but he feels free to tell anyone he wishes what he thinks my flaws are
• He tells me my motives are selfish whenever I do something I enjoy. He has derided me so often that I question myself and doubt myself.
• Can I ever be me again? Will I live my life trying to be whatever he wants me to be, or do whatever he wants me to do?

The bad news is that nothing will change about him as long as you allow him to treat you this way. In a sense you are the child and he is the parent. And not a very nice parent at that. Age may mellow him, but it may not and if it does it will take many years.

In my opinion, you will either live like this until you can’t take it at all and then do something dumb like committing adultery, or you must take charge of your life now. Having lived like this for a while, it’s possible that you will need therapy to overcome your own emotional confusion. You don’t have to divorce him, but you do have to put your foot down and make him face the consequences of his own behavior. If he hits or chokes you, call the police. If you are afraid of serious harm or death, quietly find the folks in your community who operate safe houses for abused women and let them guide you. If he verbally abuses you rather than physically, don’t think that’s okay. Verbal and emotional abuse is destructive and shouldn’t be tolerated. If that continues, you may find it much better to move out, find the spiritual and emotional support you need, and then – if he doesn’t change – move on.

If you are a Christian and fear that you will anger God if you don’t stay and take it, read Ephesians 5 where it says plainly that a husband is to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This man is NOT doing that. He is failing his responsibility and being a bully, a manipulator, and a threat. In my view you have no obligation to stay with him if he does not get the help he needs to become a very different person than he is now.

I repeat: This is not going to change on its own. The odds of that are extremely low. YOU must stand up, be the adult that you are under all that confusion, and take charge of your life to make it what it should and could be. There are people in your community who can help you. Start with your church. If you don’t find it there, find a church or a center that has counselors or therapists. If you cannot afford that, call your county administrative offices and ask them where to find the help you need. There are people who care and who will stand beside you.

Don’t live like this any longer.