Q: How would you know when God sends you your life partner? How would you know that this is him, that this is the man for me?

A: This may sound as if I don’t believe in the power of God, but I am not of the opinion that God always sends every person the mate s/he should have. There isn’t any scripture that I know of that says He will nor one that says how you would know if He did.

I prayed for my daughters’ spouses when they were still young. I asked that God would direct them to a mate that is compatible with their beliefs and values, with their personalities, and with our family as a whole. I believe that God answers prayer, but I didn’t expect God to pick out just one candidate and somehow introduce him into my daughter’s life. He can, of course. But He may just as well work through putting several young men in my daughter’s life so that she can compare, learn the strengths and weaknesses of, and decide which one she would be willing to commit to for the rest of her life.

You see, whoever you marry, you marry a set of problems. Marry that guy and you get a weirdo family. Marry that one and he’s a Mama’s boy. That one over there has self-esteem issues. The one on the corner has tendencies that may lead him to become an addict. No one, and I mean no one, is perfect. Therefore, there is not the perfect person for my daughter. As I said, God may send the best of the lot, or He may just let her choose from those that she interacts with over time. I pray for her opportunity and her wisdom, not that God will have Prince Charming parachute down our chimney.

Don’t waste your time looking for a sign from God as to whether this is the one. Instead, look into the person as deeply as you can to see if he is the man (and the set of problems) that you are willing to spend a lifetime with, flaws and all.

Q:  My husband had an affair. I just read your article on How to do an Intervention. The section on self-delusion helped me so much. While the affair was going on (but still unknown by me) I wrote in my journal daily about things like rationalizing, blaming, justifying, projecting. I felt he was doing those things but I had no idea why. Most of the time I felt like I was losing my mind and kept falling flat on my face before God asking Him to show me my sin. Since my discovery of the affair it has been a very tumultuous ride. After reading your article I can see that our children actually did somewhat of an intervention. After he chose to tell them that he was involved with another woman (candy-coating it and all the while justifying it by blaming me) they confronted him. They told him it had to stop and he could not work with her. He has stopped the affair. I believe that. I have chosen to stay in the marriage. We are working very hard, reading everything we can. I still feel that he would like to cover up what he has done and allow me to take the blame. For so long I have worked on being the best wife I could be for him and have worked diligently on the areas where I did not meet his needs. I know how much I want to be out of this pain. I often feel that I just want him to right the wrongs – especially all the hurtful things he said about me during the “projection” and “altered memory” phases. I am trying to wait on God knowing that it is really God who does this work and He clearly knows my needs better than I do. Do you think it would help in any way to share the phases of delusion with my close friends and family members who have watched me fall apart?

A: Thanks for your comments about the free intervention document I offer. (Others can find it here.) It is wonderful that your children had the courage and wisdom to do their intervention with your husband, refusing to accept his “candy coating” of the affair.

Your question isn’t as simple as it may first seem. The answer, in my opinion, is based on whether your husband is now opening up, being vulnerable, and telling you the truth. If he isn’t, the short answer is yes, find the support you need by talking with your close friends and family. No one can bear this burden alone.

On the other hand, if your husband is finally facing up to what he has done and is being open, honest, and vulnerable, you will stop that process dead in its tracks if your husband even suspects that you are sharing what he tells you with anyone else. When one person trusts another with his/her secrets, we lose that trust instantly and for a long time if we discover the secrets we shared are being shared with others. However, even in that case, you cannot bear this alone. Find a professional who cannot and will not share your husband’s secrets. Talk with him/her openly without fear of being a betrayer or of your husband covering up his emotions from you.

As to waiting for God to do this, what would have happened if your children had taken the same approach? They wouldn’t have done their intervention but would have waited for some act of God. We do need God to guide and to keep us in His loving hands. However, you will not be running ahead of God if you share your heart with your husband.

You may wish to come with your husband to one of our marriage intensives. During those three days he will discover a lot about himself; you will discover a lot about yourself (including NOT taking responsibility for anyone’s sinful decisions); and you both will learn how to make this marriage strong, vibrant, and loving despite what has occurred. You can find out more about that workshop here.

Often a pastor, minister, elder, deacon, or the like asks what to do to help a marriage that they just discovered is in crisis. Usually they lament their frustration to find out only when the marriage is in such trouble. Then they confess that though they did the best they could, they seriously wonder if they did the right things or if they only made the marriage worse.

Therefore, based on my years of experience in working with crisis marriages, I will come to an area and lead a two-hour workshop for ministers and lay leaders that will teach them what to do, what NOT to do, and how to move a couple toward the help they need. I’ll do this for free if it’s in driving distance of Nashville, and will do it for expenses only if I have to travel.

The first will be March 5 at First Presbyterian on the square in Athens, AL. If you’d like to attend that one, call 256-232-4906 to reserve space.

If you wish to book one in your area, call 866-903-0990, extension 0, or email ask@joebeam.com. I likely will do no more than one a month, so call quickly if you wish one in your area. The only criteria is that you invite all the churches in your area to attend so that I can use my time wisely in helping as many as possible.

• How to get to the truth quickly and efficiently – especially when hearing one side.
• How to evaluate underlying issues.
• What you may agree to and what you MUST NOT agree to.
• How to work with an angry spouse.
• How to deal with a reluctant or uncaring spouse.
• What to do when another person is involved (emotional and/or physical affairs).
• How to proceed when an addiction is involved (porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.).
• How to keep the right boundaries.
• When to show compassion and when to confront.
• When to refer and to whom to refer.
• How to create an environment in your church so that you can learn of marital problems before they become major crises.
• Q&A session at the end if you wish to know more about specific areas.

All day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday Alice and I, along with Charles Hayden and Jon Hazelip, will be in workshop with several married couples. Most face major issues in their relationship. Most are in crisis. We often hear from participants that we are the “last effort” before proceeding with divorce. Actually, some who come have already filed for divorce, but come just in case there is one last chance.

At the end of the day on Friday, I usually tell Alice that NONE of them are going to make it. By Saturday evening, I tell her there may be a few, and then on Sunday evening can tell her with fair accuracy which will make it and which will not. Our average, over ten years, is three of four couples salvaging the marriage and making it good again. While I’d love to see that at 100%, I guess it will never happen. Too much hurt. Too much stubbornness. Too much fear. Too much anger. I could go on but you get the idea. The fact that we have the success rate we do is a miracle in itself. Most, sometimes every, couple shows up with at least one spouse who doesn’t want to be there. They come to salve conscience, placate parents, demonstrate love for their children, or to get someone – such as a pastor – off their backs. A three of four success rate when so many come with other intentions than trying to save the marriage is amazing, don’t you think?

As much as I dread experiencing so much pain, I have one of these workshops every month. It drains all of us but it is so very needed and must go on. Every marriage that God uses us to save is valuable. Each is crucially important to children, friends, community, and the kingdom of God. 

Please pray for us and for all the couples who will be there. 

If God puts a couple in trouble in your path, send them to us. Get them to come even if they don’t want to. With God at work, we have a strong chance of seeing that marriage healed.

Last summer Alice cashed in about-to-expire airline miles for a plethora of magazine subscriptions. We thought she only signed up for about twenty, but based on the looks the postman has been throwing our way, I think the actual number may be somewhere closer to infinity. Together we chose a wide range to get a cross section of what’s being published out there — a spectrum from The Economist to TV Guide.

We actually read some of them.

Over the last couple months nearly every one of those magazines has featured President Obama on their covers at least once. Yep, even TV Guide. I admit I didn’t read all the articles but I skimmed through quite a few. After all, this is historic; the first non-white USA president is a major shift. Young, relatively inexperienced in the “business as usual” Washington ways, charismatic, media-savvy, handsome, lovely family, articulate; this guy’s got it going on. Not only are Americans giddy, so are many other nations in the world.

And the guys’ got guts. Did you see the TV reports on Feb 4 where he threw down the gauntlet before CEOs of those companies receiving government bailout money? You could practically hear the cheers from middle America. We’ve never had a president who better understood media and how to use it to his best effect. News anchors getting personal interviews line up at the White House. ABC reported the other night that five anchors were lined up waiting at one time.

The closest thing to this in my lifetime was the Camelot era of John F. Kennedy. He made history as well. Paranoia screamed that if we elected a Catholic as president we’d be ruled by the Pope. Inaugurated in January 1961, he and his beautiful family captured the imaginations and hearts of millions around the planet. We’ll never know what he might have done because of an assassin’s bullet in November 1963, but his start was dazzling in the public’s eyes.

Will Obama be a great president? Time, as always, will tell. Just this morning I watched various Senators rail against his stimulus plan and his “slick use of media to try to scare people into voting for a bad bill.” Politics very seldom go smoothly.

I’m not among those who voted for him but unlike Rush Limbaugh’s infamous statement (that led to great Limbaugh publicity when Obama unwisely responded), I don’t wish him to fail. For Bible believers the directions are plain: “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior,” (1 Timothy 2:1-3)

Hmmm. Requests. Prayers. Intercession. Thanksgiving. For “all those in authority.” That’s what is written; that’s what I will do. Hope you do as well.

I wish that over my lifetime I had kept a journal of all the rumors about me that finally made it all the way to me. As with most of us, there have been some doozies. A few years ago I told my daughters that you cannot stand up for what you believe without making enemies, creating jealousies, and just plain old ticking people off.

Remember the lies the “witnesses” told to have Jesus crucified? Even He had to deal with people claiming He did or said things He never said or did. That’s what happens when people don’t like what you do. If they can’t find real dirt — easy enough with most of us, though not for Jesus — they make up their own. Just this past week a minister told me of another minister who flagrantly lied about him and justified it because he felt my minister friend was a detriment to the kingdom as the liar viewed it.

It takes nothing to start a tale and give it impetus. It seems that people love gossip, even if it hasn’t the slightest possibility of reality. Dish dirt and it takes off in every direction. With the Internet, it can become international in minutes.

Like the Jane Fonda story from the Vietnam War days. It claims that a POW gave her a note to bring back to the USA and she promptly turned it over to the Vietnamese. Pure bunk. Check it out — actually you should check LOTS of stuff out — on www.snopes.com. Or the alleged scholar comments comparing Obama to Hitler. The alleged commencement speech by Yogi Berra. On and on it goes. No matter what the politics, religion, or year lived, no one is immune to the rumor mill. For example, look at the quotes section of Snopes and see how Bush, Gore, and even Lincoln get skewered for things they never said.

So what do you do when you hear things about you that shock or sadden you because they are so terribly untrue? Ignore it. I recall one of my Bible professors back in 1967 give credence to a terrible rumor about one of the ministers in town by saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” Though a young, inexperienced college student at the time, I approached the minister in question and asked about it. He laughed. When I asked if he were going to defend himself, he said, “Against whom? Against what? I can’t control what those people say — especially when no one ‘fesses up to being the one doing the talking. I’ll just do my ministry. Otherwise, I’ll drive myself nuts, lose focus, and the devil wins.”

Quite simply the old adage, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” doesn’t work in the rumor world. Don’t get involved in either telling, tracking, or responding. If asked by reputable people, tell the truth. Otherwise, just keep on doing what you are supposed to do in the kingdom. It drives the devil mad…as well as those who love to dish dirt.

Yesterday, January 25, Alice and I attended Thompson’s Station Church early service to say happy anniversary to our friends and neighbors Tom and LeighAnn McCoy. Twenty years ago they became members 7 and 8 of that church. I don’t know their exact attendance now, but it appeared to be well over a thousand in that service and they had another to go. A few weeks ago they had passed the 1800 count so I figure they must be over 2000 now. Tom said in his sermon that they have about 2500 members.

Just think. A young man and his wife accept the invitation to become the minister of a church of 6 people and rather than moving in a couple years — as is most often the case — they hung in there and grew with the church. If one were to count the people who have been members but moved to different locales, helped start other churches, and the like, I imagine the number of people affected would be pretty high. Add to that the folks they’ve helped with benevolence, counseling, and the like and it gets even higher.

Some folks think numbers are nonspiritual. If you want numbers for the sake of numbers, I agree. But if you think of each number as representing a human being, a soul, then each number becomes precious.

Tom makes it clear that it hasn’t been 20 years of roses and happy times. Just like every other relationship, there are ups and downs, valleys and mountaintops. However, they stuck it out and made a major difference in this community.

Perhaps that is a good thing to think about the next time you want to leave a relationship — marriage, family, job, church, whatever. Staying in the name of the Lord does far more good than leaving because times sometimes get tough.

Times are tough. That’s why there are people who need your help.

If you are willing to help married couples in crisis who wish to attend mythree-day intensive workshop LovePath 911, you can get a tax deduction as you help. Harpeth Community Church in Franklin, TN cares about marriages and has set up a special fund.

Go to https://www.oc2net.net/billing/DonationCentral/Select.asp?MerchantID=35986&RegKey=QB9B3WWRDWKRTF63.

On the “Make a Selection” line, be sure to choose “Designated Giving — Marriage.”

All money in that fund will be used to “scholarship” couples who desire marital help from my LovePath 911 intensive workshop but cannot afford it.

Just wanted to let you know that beginning next week there will be a Q & A section every Thursday on www.HeartLight.org in which I answer questions about love, sex, and marriage. Because HeartLight is a Christian site, I include Scripture in my answers there.

Check it out.

That’s what the sign said. Right there in a small store that made custom signs, it said, “sin, repent, repeat.”

I assume it was meant to be funny. Maybe it was sarcasm. Either way, it too accurately displayed the actions of too many people. How many times have we seen a person do something wrong, claim regret and remorse, and then slide back into the same behavior once again?

If you need an example, I volunteer. Maybe you haven’t done it but I have. Sinned. Felt terrible. Begged God for forgiveness and then promised that I would NEVER do that again. Then, after time passed enough for the guilt to fade, I found myself headed right back to the same temptation again. The decision to commit the sin the second time wasn’t made when I reached the temptation but on the way when I shut down and refused to feel so that guilt wouldn’t stop me from getting there.

Sound familiar?

When I describe that to church audiences, I see heads across the room nod in grim recognition. That process isn’t limited to Joe. If it continues, we finally quit praying, believing God doesn’t want to hear from a such a hypocrite.

What’s the answer?

Grace. Knowing that God does forgive but more than that; knowing that each time we sin He loves us enough to forgive us again but that forgiveness isn’t granted lightly. It causes Him pain, just as it does when our own children do the same.

If we learn to love Him deeply and fully appreciate what forgiveness really means, surely we would find the courage to leave off the “repeat” part. To help, we all need spiritually strong people in our lives that care enough to demand we live righteously.