Q: I found out a few months ago that my husband of 13 years is having an affair with a 21 year old. He told me he was not in love with me and wanted a divorce but lied and lied saying nothing else was going on. He blamed me for the end of our marriage and made me feel like crap for 3 months….This was totally out of the blue for me and I did everything I could to make him love me again or to find out what was really wrong. I found out on my own by breaking into his email account and what I found devastated me…I found letters and poems and pictures…very detailed and very hurtful…their affair was for about 5 months. He planned on leaving me and the children for her. He is military and left on a deployment for 6 months, basically telling me he needed time to think and I said I would wait for him…that was BEFORE I knew about the affair, I found out AFTER he left for the 6 months. I have been a mess! I am depressed and crying all the time, my kids are hurt and confused as well. He is due back home in a month…What in the world do I do? Do I let him back into our home? He says it is over with her and he wants me but how can I believe that? How could I EVER trust him or love him in the same way again?

A: The emotional roller coaster that your husband went through is called limerence. For detailed information, see chapter four in Your LovePath. The short version is this: When a person becomes that enamored with another (obsessive thinking, unable to see the other’s faults, great longing to be with that person, etc.) the brain produces more dopamine and less serotonin. That means that they have feelings of ecstasy while at the same time losing inhibition. In short, they go a little crazy for a while. A person in that state typically lies, covers actions, and does all sorts of rationalizing and justifying in his/her mind. That’s why your husband could convince himself that it would be okay to leave you and your children.

IF he is over the limerence, you have a decent chance to make a good marriage if you let him come back home. If he is still in limerence, then he will continue the deceptive behavior until someone helps him overcome that. Either way — forgive the commercial — I feel strongly that we can help. Working with couples when one is in limerence with someone else is one of our specialities. While I cannot guarantee success, odds are good; we are able to help save three of four marriages. You can find out more about that workshop here.

If you choose to take a chance and allow him back home, do something (even if it is not my workshop) to repair the marriage. Do not think that you can go on as if nothing happened or you may one day find yourself in a similar situation.

Q: Hello Joe, I have a very important question….because its everywhere, more then I ever imagined. That does not make it right. It’s consensual sex with husband & wife with others, commonly know as swingers. If a married couple seems like the fire has been turned to a pilot waiting to be lit,what’s wrong with a little soft or so swinging as long as no one gets hurt physically or emotionally, and it enhances the married couple’s sex life after the fact in the privacy of their own bedroom…and it’s not a whole (lifestyle), it’s a jump in and get out just to enjoy the nature that was given to us. Is it better than to deceive your spouse and commit adultery? IMPORTANT: answer needed. PLEASE!!

A: Though I, as always, withheld your identity, I think it helpful to our readers to know this question is from a wife. As you say, this happens more than most people imagine. Recently I corresponded about this with my friend Brian Alexander who writes the Sexploration column for MSNBC. We discussed the varying reports of how many American married couples participate in “the alternative lifestyle” that used to be called swinging, and before that wife-swapping. There is no clear answer because much of the so-called research fails miserably in meeting scientifically acceptable research standards and procedures. The more reliable research has been done by actual scholars rather than people with an agenda. A quick scan of scholarly articles indicates that somewhere between 1.7% and 4% of the married couples in the USA have, or are participating in some form of consensual sex with others.  That’s quite a number of couples. According to the US census, there were 54.5 million married couples in the USA in the year 2000. Using that number, 1.7% would be a little shy of a million couples, and 4 % would be over two million couples. Either way, that’s a LOT of couples.

However, as you stated, “that does not make it right.”

My friend Brian at MSNBC has a different world view than mine. He’s an agnostic and I’m a Christian. (Yes, we really are friends. I like the guy a lot.) Yet when Brian wrote an article about swinging, he penned, “…swinging can be a minefield of jealousy and I shouldn’t have to remind you that we are living in the age of AIDS, herpes and a stew of other sexually transmitted diseases. Indeed, swinging often sounds more fun than it is. Ads for swing clubs often depict extremely sexy women and handsome men, but try going to a nude beach someday. Take a look around. Those are the types of bodies you are most likely to encounter at a swing party. Personals advertising swinging couples often beg for single men to stay away because many more men are interested in swinging than women. Remember, sometimes the fantasy of something is better than the reality.”

I don’t hang out at nude beaches, but I see the folks walking by me on the streets and get his point about that. However, it seems you have a particular couple in mind, and if that is the case you likely see them as attractive. I wondered if that is why you went on to list your reasons that would lead you to think it okay. Your points were:

1. It would turn on your “pilot light” and make sex better for your husband and you.

2. You would only do it briefly and not actually go into that lifestyle.

3. It would be better to do this than commit adultery.

Let me respond to those in order…

1. If you and your husband consensually involve yourselves in sex with other couples, or having sex in the same room as another couple (soft swinging), that could, indeed, rev up the passion of the sex act. Admittedly, over time a couple has sex less often and, as anyone that has been married for a while can attest, it can get boring. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is one of the leading sex experts, researchers, and wrters in America. He wrote me recently, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” His point is that a natural part of life is that sex isn’t always going to be great, exciting, and all that kind of thing. That’s why the most important thing in a marriage isn’t sex, but the bonding between husband and wife that develops a deep, loving, life-long commitment. There are many ways to spice up a sex life in marriage without involving other people, but no matter what you do — even swinging — sex in and of itself isn’t going to be what you apparently think it is going to be.

2. As to the “get in and get out” and be excited by the memories of the brief excursion, you know that isn’t realistic. If you found it exciting, you would repeat it. If you found it repulsive, you would develop very negative feelings toward your husband for being involved in it. Remember the commercial about no one being able to eat just one potato chip? Telling yourself it would be brief and not a lifestyle is a well-used and very effective form of self delusion. If you enjoyed it physically, the reality is that eventually you would have to have it to become sexually aroused and never again would your husband alone be enough for you. Remember what Brian wrote above about “minefield of jealousy”? We have worked with the couples that started into swinging and eventually; 1) one of them fell in love with another sex partner, 2) one of them (usually the wife, but not always) started comparing themselves to the other sex partners and felt ugly, unexciting, etc., 3) sex became more important than relationship and they became strangers living in the same house. In short, this line of thinking just isn’t valid.

3. Having sex with another couple is adultery. The fact that it is consensual doesn’t mean that you aren’t violating your marriage covenant. That’s what adultery is; violation of the marriage covenant. That’s why lusting after someone you are not married to is already committing adultery. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). As to our “nature that was given to us” you referred to, Jesus went on immediately to say, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” In short, He said that if our flesh leads us to violate what should be holy, we’d be much better off to get rid of the flesh than the face the spiritual consequences.

Paul visits the theme of walking by the flesh or walking by the Spirit several times in his writings. For example, start at Galatians 5:19 and read the next several verses. Look up the definitions of the words used to describe the works of the flesh. The alternative lifestyle, swinging, wife-swapping, or whatever you wish to call it falls squarely within the description of walking by the flesh.

Could you avoid the flesh if you just have sex in the same room as another couple and not actually touch them? Think about it. It’s flesh, not Spirit. Sex is a bond between a man and a woman. It is not to be polluted, diluted, or intruded upon by involving any other person. Ever.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

Q: My husband tells me all I am good for is sex.  He tells me to that it is my duty as his wife to have sex or to do other sexual things with him whenever he wants it, but he does not respect me.  He makes jokes about me and insults me in front of other people and my children (including things that I have told him during intimate times about our sex life).  I do not feel comfortable having sex with him, being intimate, or even just telling him my feelings for fear that he will bring it up to other people as a joke.  When I have confronted him and asked him please not to do this, he denies it or says that I should hear what the guys at his work say about their wives. We have a lot of other problems as well, which all boil down to his lack of respect of me, but his main complaint is that I don’t give him sex when he wants it.  I have filed for divorce, but am considering going to a marriage retreat for couples in crisis.  I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like when I talk to him he just gets mad and says I don’t do anything he wants me to.(referring to sex)  I have tried and tried to explain to him that my lack of trust for him makes me uncomfortable in intimate situations where my guard is down, but he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He just replies with “I don’t talk about you.” How should I handle this?  I know that sex is an important part of a marriage, but how do I have sex with someone that thinks so little of me to insult me all the time?  I have been in this marriage for 8 yrs.  We got married, because I was pregnant and my husband has never treated me with respect even when we were dating. Should I try to save my marriage even though he always has put me down?

A: If a marriage can be salvaged, it should be salvaged. It’s great that you are willing to go a weekend for marriages in crisis. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I suggest you go to www.MarriageHelper.com and check out the weekend workshop that I personally lead for marriages in crisis.

However, a marriage cannot be good if one person feels disrespected by the other. We all want someone in our lives with whom we can feel safe sharing our secrets, our innermost thoughts, desires, and the like. The ideal is for that to occur in marriage. Yet you write that when you shared your innermost self with your husband, rather than protecting your secrets he broadcast them to others, denying he was doing anything wrong and even seeing humor in doing it. That is a terrible thing for anyone to do to another person, but especially the person you’re married to and supposed to “be there” for. You obviously cannot share any more of your thoughts or ideas with him unless you want the world to hear them. Be wise; don’t open up yourself to him until he learns how to be trustworthy.

As to sex, yes, it is part of the marriage agreement. Check 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and you’ll see that God commanded it. However, what happens when one spouse violates the sanctity of the marriage bond but demands that the other spouse do whatever he wants? Reluctance, then resistance, and finally, refusing altogether. If he wishes you to do your “wifely duties,” then you have every right to demand that he be the leader and first do his “husbandly duties.” Tell him that when you can trust him again to share your innermost self, when he stops ridiculing you in private or public, and when he learns that you must be treated with respect and dignity, he can and will have a wonderful sex life with you. Of course, if you promise that and he does those things, you must do as you promised.

Though there is Biblical command for husband’s and wive’s to fulfill each other sexually, there are also Biblical commands for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Those commands are just as important, if not more so, than any concerning sex. You’re his wife, not his prostitute nor his sex slave. Demand that he treats you as a wife deserves to be treated and if he refuses, make him face the consequences of his behavior by doing whatever you need to do to have a life with dignity.

Q: I will be married in one month’s time and i wanted to find out whether what my Doctor said is true or not. He said if you are uncircumcised your wife will not be able to enjoy sex with you compared to when you are circumcised. Is it true Biblically, do I have reason to worry?

A: Sometimes uncircumcised men reach orgasm faster than circumcised men because the head of the penis for a circumcised male is a little less sensitive than in the uncircumcised. Just make sure that you fulfill your wife before your own climax and you will do fine. Actually the ridge caused by the foreskin rolling back to the corona on the uncircumcised male when erect can add pleasure to some women.

The value of circumcision today is primarily hygienic. As long as you thoroughly clean under the foreskin every day when you bathe, there should be no problem.

The Biblical command for circumcision was to the Jewish people as a covenant sign with God. The New Testament says it makes no difference if we are or we aren’t. (1 Corinthians 7:17-19)

There it is right on the cover of the February 2009 issue of Southern Living magazine. The title and the picture; a banana pudding made with nutter butters instead of vanilla wafers. According to Nabisco’s web site, there are a billion calories, all from fat, in just one Nutter Butter. Well, okay, I didn’t actually look but I’m confident that’s about right.

According to the CDC, quite a few of us in the USA are obese — not just overweight, but obese. To show where most of the obese live, they break it down by state. In 2007 (latest numbers) the three highest are Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee. The lowest is Colorado. Not too much of a stretch to understand that. We in the Southeast fry everything, including tomatoes, but people in Colorado only eat the bounties of nature they find while hiking. A seven-course meal for us is a possum and a six pack. For them it’s three acorns, two berries, a sip of snow runoff, and a daisy for dessert. They live longer; we require jumbo coffins.

Because I’m considered a marriage expert, I must point out a major problem with the fattening of America beyond the physical and health issues. Often people tell me that they love their spouses more than ever, but no longer wish to make love to them because they are repulsed by their bulging bodies. As one fellow said, “She was beautiful and would be again if she were thin. But when she asks me if her weight bothers me, I think of how much I love her and tell a ’smiley faced lie.’ She doesn’t have a medical condition; she just has no discipline. I love her; I just don’t want to make love to her.”

When I mention that in workshops where marriage counselors and therapists attend, I hear from most of them that they run into this same dilemma in their practices, but in our politically correct world they fear saying much about it. I agree that prejudice toward anyone for anything, including weight, is uncalled for. At the same time, I know that this is causing a great deal of marital distress. One lady called my radio program and told me that when she asked her husband if she were fat, he said yes. “That was three years ago and he still hasn’t asked me to forgive him,” she said. I told her that he didn’t need forgiving for telling the truth and that if she didn’t want to know she shouldn’t have asked him. 

If you ask your spouse if your weight affects his/her desire to make love to you, I figure one of three things will happen if the answer is yes. 1) S/he will answer honestly and then the two of you can work together to get back in shape. 2) S/he will answer honestly and in response you will punish the honest answer. 3) S/he will lie to keep peace. The only one of those options that work well and make love grow is number one. 

The US Dept. of Health has a handy online Body Mass Index tool that will tell you if you are underweight, normal, overweight, or obese.

No, it’s none of your business what mine is.

A couple days ago I was guest on Dave Ramsey’s TV show on the Fox Business Channel. As always, Dave is as sharp as they come and very exciting to be around. His mind is so fast and his convictions so deep that it wouldn’t be difficult to be intimidated when on national TV he fires a question at you. Glad it didn’t happen to me… 

It was fun. We talked about love and money, particularly my new book Your LovePath. Because Valentine’s Day is near, one of Dave’s questions had to do with how to make Valentine’s Day special without doing some “bonehead” (his word) thing that doesn’t work. In reply I told Dave about a call I had on the radio program I used to do.

A minister’s wife called in to tell us that she and her spouse take turns making Valentine’s Day special. One year is his to plan and execute. The next year is hers. It was her turn and she decided to cook her husband his favorite meal and serve it to him dressed as his favorite dessert. When I asked if that costume involved fabric, she replied, “Not much.”

She didn’t say what his favorite dessert was or how she dressed herself as that dessert. I imagine that everyone reading this — just as everyone who heard the original call or heard me telling Dave about it a couple days ago — has some mental picture based on the dessert they like best. Mine involves icing, rosebuds, and fancy writing in various colors. Don’t worry; that’s as far as I go in describing it. Whatever it was that she actually did, she said, “He looooved it.”

Making Valentine’s Day special doesn’t require a lot of money, just a bit of creativity. If you decide to do as the minister’s wife or if you come up with something all your own, enter my new contest by sharing it with others. Send a description clear enough for others to replicate to ask@JoeBeam.com. Even after Valentine’s Day, I’ll continue to post them for others to try. I will choose the one that I think the most creative and send a copy of my new book Your LovePath.

Don’t be bashful; let others learn from you. Send your idea soon.

For those who have been sending questions about sex over the last few weeks, do not despair. I will answer every question and will begin doing so soon. I’m in the process of deciding whether I should answer them in this blog or have a separate blog for sexual questions.

As soon as Lee Wilson, my son-in-law and Internet guru, and I talk this over, I will make that decision and begin answering those questions.

In the meantime, you may wish to click here to read a few articles I’ve already written about sex and marriage.

Beginning Monday, February 16, you will be able to find many sexual questions answered, either in this blog or in a blog that this one will guide you to. If you’ve sent a question, expect to have it answered in the next few days.

Nina Hartley hits the big 50 on March 11, 2009. This year also marks her 25th year as an porn actress. Her initial career was as a nurse, but in 1984, at age 25, she entered the world of porn. My friend Brian Alexander, Sex in America reporter for MSNBC, has interviewed Nina and served on a civic panel with her. He tells me that she is intelligent and articulate. (She earned her Bachelor’s in nursing Magna Cum Laude.)

Mrs. Hartley (yes, she’s married though Hartley is a stage name) is a complex individual.  She states that she is atheist but also influenced by Zen Buddhism. (Her Lutheran father and Jewish mother both became Buddhist priests many years ago.) She lists herself as married (happily), but also an active “swinger.” Additionally, she says that she is bisexual.

From time to time, I will share a few of her comments from various interviews that will be of interest to those who work with people addicted to porn. The following are excerpts from an interview in January 2008.

“I didn’t find my way into porn until I was 25. Now, people know that at 18 years and one week old, they can go to Los Angeles and find their way into adult entertainment…The older adult in me says, ‘Wait, wait, but this is forever.’ When you are 18 years old, your concept of forever is barely 10 years…the camera thing, the permanent record of your involvement here, is forever—and they don’t understand how long life can be, and what ‘permanent’ really means…I tell them, ‘All it has to do is follow you home to your uncle, your dad, or your brother. It doesn’t matter if all those other people see you—your family will likely find out what you do, and how will that be? Don’t worry about the stranger down the street. What about your mom?’ It took my mom 20 years to begin to get over it, and she’s still not comfortable with it. But she no longer thinks it’s something I did to her, or no longer thinks it’s a phase that I’ll grow out of.”

Nina makes it clear that she believes these older teens have the right to make that decision for their lives and that she doesn’t believe they should be barred from that right. However, as you read, she tries to dissuade them from making that decision by warning them of consequences. Mrs. Hartley says that most of them won’t last five years in the porn business, but that “permanent record” called video will exist from now on.

If Jerry Falwell had said that, comedians would have had a blast ridiculing his “permanent record” remark. However, coming from the queen of porn it carries different weight. That’s not to say that Nina and Jerry would have agreed on many matters, but it does indicate that everyone, regardless of religious beliefs, should understand that every decision — every act — has both short-term and long-term consequences. In essence, Nina warns the eager 18 year-olds that concentrating on the short-term is shortsighted; it’s the long-term that we must live with.

I well remember speaking to a huge audience (maybe 20,000 people) a few years ago. Amy Dupree spoke just before me. Amy had spent years in the “adult entertainment” business before becoming a Christian and developing a ministry to women in that world. During my speech I referenced Amy and asked anyone in the audience to stand if they owed women such as Amy an apology for making them sex objects instead of human beings. Thousands stood, both men and women. Amy cried. After the event, I asked if I had offended her. She replied that those people standing had been a healing event for her because of all the terrible emotions she carried against those who had treatedher just that way during her years in the adult business. Her ”permanent record” wasn’t just documented by media or employment records, but also by the inner anger and resentment she held toward so many because of it. Everything we do has a consequence, short-term and long-term. Not just with others, but within ourselves, and forever.

The Bible says that in Galatians 6:7. For those who choose not to believe that book, Nina Hartley said it, too. She’s been there and seen it all. Twenty-five year’s worth.

Let’s pass that truth on to not only the participants in porn, but the buyers and viewers as well.

My friends Paul and Lori operate The Marriage Bed.

This is their opening paragraph, “The Marriage Bed provides a Christian alternative for married and engaged couples seeking information about marital intimacy. We combine the truth of the Bible with biological facts to educate, edify and minister to those seeking God’s best for their marriage relationship. Whether you are just starting out, have some problems, or just want to improve an already good love life, we offer information and resources on many areas of sexuality and marriage enrichment.”

We have been interviewed on national TV together which gave me the opportunity to meet them. They are great folks. If intimacy in marriage is of interest to you, you will love their site.

On May 17-24 they have a great Alaska cruise planned that they are calling “The Romance Cruise.” If you wish a beautiful cruise with your mate along with other Christian couples who want to increase their romance, check out (the date has passed, link removed).

Be aware that this blog addresses sex. If that may offend you, please do not read this post.

Yesterday I talked with my friend Brian Alexander. Among other things Brian reports on sexual matters for MSNBC. It may surprise some that he and I are friends who respect each other. Brian is a Catholic turned agnostic. As he describes me, I am a “book, chapter, and verse” evangelical. I really like the guy and am honored to call him friend.

As we talked I told Brian again of my desire to help conservatives — religiously, politically, lifestyle, etc. — have wonderful and fulfilling sex lives. That leads me to this offer.

I will soon write an eBook to help married couples explore, experiment, and experience more exciting and fulfilling sex. To do that, I am collecting information from real people about what they have found that works for them in their marriages. I’m not looking for X rated language. However, I am looking for bold and specific information that others can use to make their sex lives better. If you are a person or couple who is willing to share what you’ve learned from your experiences, education, and explorations, go to

http://www.lovesexmarriage.net/sex_study.htm 

and complete the survey. If you use your real email address, I’ll send you a free copy of the eBook even if I don’t use the information you give me. (I will protect your email address.)

If you dont’ mind, pass this on to those that you feel wouldn’t be offended and offer them the opportunity to complete the survey as well.