Q: I went through several of your past posts that led me to your article on Intervention. I started thinking about the interactions with my wife. Every few days, we have a question and answer session about something that is nothing, but made to be an affair or deceit on my part. It usually ends with, “it will come out in the end” or “it will come out in court”. Our conversations don’t go anywhere. They have the same pattern – anger, yelling, sarcasm, threats, blame etc. When I confront, most of the time, I heard statements like “I don’t remember” or “I didn’t say that” or just plain denial which then leads to the anger, yelling,  etc . People from my church have been having conversations with my wife. They report that there has been little success in the conversations, all having the same elements with me being blamed for everything, my past sins being brought up as present day and no personal responsibility for her own actions. I know that I stopped being listened to and heard a long time ago. I am starting to find that others aren’t being listened to either. I believe my wife may be going through the stages of delusion discussed in the Intervention document, somewhere between stages 3 and 4. I am running out of options. I see intervention as my last hope. Will it work for anger?

A: Anger is based in hurt and pain. When a person expresses anger, it may be toward the person with whom the pain is associated, or it may be toward someone just because he is close by and an easy target. Though I am not a therapist or counselor (web sites continually get that wrong and describe me as a marriage counselor), I know that effective therapists don’t ask, “What are you angry about?” but instead ask, “Where do you hurt?” If they can get to the base of the pain, they find the base of the anger.

Can anger be an addiction? Read this quote from the Anger Management Training Institute, “…in the same way that some people embrace drugs or alcohol or eating or sex to get a temporary reduction in their level of emotional pain, others simply wrap themselves in an impermeable cloak of anger that protects them and gives them a short-lived sense of power over all threats, real and imagined. Once this pernicious relationship with anger has been hardwired into the addictive mechanisms of the brain, getting an anger addict to talk about not getting angry anymore works about as well as getting an alcoholic to talk about not drinking anymore.” They, and others who write about anger, sometimes refer to it as rageaholism. So, yes, it appears that at least some in the therapeutic fields see anger itself as an addiction, even though based on some inner pain.

As you saw in the Intervention document, interventions are best done not by the spouse him- herself but by those that are trusted by the person who needs the intervention. You refer to people from your church. If that means your wife goes to another church, or has a different set of people in whom she has confidence, you will need to find your intervention team from those people. Interventions from people who aren’t known well or who are virtual strangers typically get a “what gives you the right to put your nose in my business” kind of response.

Because I am not an anger expert, I am not the best source to figure how to do this. However, I’m sure that a Google Trip will find plenty of resources in your local area, as well as great information from experts around the world.

No one can live a lifetime of being berated, chastised, impugned, and maligned. At least no one can live a happy lifetime, or even a fulfilling lifetime, when constantly targeted by anger from an individual. My friend Willard Harley calls it a love buster: He writes that continual angry outbursts eventually destroy love completely.

Of course, we are thinking totally from your point of view. If you were doing those things that your wife accuses you of, my answer would be very different…aimed at you rather than her.

Q:  My marriage has been in crisis for a couple of years now. I made a terrible terrible mistake a couple of years ago.  My husband and myself tried to work things out.  I thought he had forgiven me then but he did not.  I took him for granted and felt that everything was ok and continued on with life.  Now there is very limited communication.  I guess I can use the word separation but living in the same house.  Divorce has been mentioned but I felt like that was not an option.  I have spoken to him and begged for him to give us another try.  Anger and rage etc.. has over taken his heart.  And I truly understand.  But to make a long story short I so want this to work but don’t know what to do.

A: I’m so sorry that you made your “terrible mistake” a couple years ago. If the “mistake” is what I assume it is, in actuality it wasn’t a mistake but a wrong decision. I don’t wish to sound mean, but a mistake is hitting the wrong key on the keyboard. Doing something that you do willingly, even if it is the wrong thing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s done on purpose. As we have all learned about life, every decision and every action have both short-term consequences and long-term consequences. No, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to help you understand that if your husband hears you referring to your actions as a mistake, he likely will hear it as your not taking full responsibility for what happened. You don’t want him to view it that way.

Allow me to share with you an acronym that I use to help people turn ACHE into ACHED (in other words, move it from the present to the past so that it can be gotten over.)

A – acknowledge your husband’s hurt. Whatever anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. he feels, you validate as being his right and that you understand and accept that your actions led to these emotions. Don’t blame him or offer any excuses. Make sure that you affirm his hurt and your role in it. Don’t do it boldly, but gently and with obvious remorse.

C – confessyour wrong. People often ask me if they have to give details about what they did. My reply is that if you ever want to be trusted again you must answer all questions as openly and honestly as possible. Realize that you will see more anger and hurt in your husband as you “tell all.” As in step one, acknowledge that and affirm it as his right to feel these emotions. Your revelation should be accomplished by strong words such as “sorry” rather than weak words such as “apologize.” Give no rationalization and don’t even try to explain how it happened unless he asks for that information. Hopefully you did that a couple years ago. If not, it’s not too late.

H – hear to understand. He won’t be able to get past the anger until he has had opportunity to spill all of it on you. Don’t focus on his words that hurt, but the words that help you understand the consequences in his life, heart, and soul. Make sure that you really, really understand what he feels and why he feels it. Again, offer no defense. Your job here isn’t to justify self, it is to understand his pain and the anger that comes from it.

E – emotionally connect. If you are listening closely to his pain, you will begin to feel some of what he feels. That may sound harsh and way too large a price to pay, but until he feels that you can understand not just what he is saying but also what he is feeling, he will have a difficult time forgiving and moving on. Again, the goal here is to validate him and to affirm his right to feel what he feels.

D – dothe right thing. If he needs to track your whereabouts for a while, let him. If he feels insecure for a while, go out of your way to make him feel secure. No one can live under constant surveillance and judgment forever, so don’t plan to do this for more than a year or so. But you may need to do it that long to help him overcome his fear of being hurt again.

Another part of doing the right thing is to cut off ALL contact with the person you made your “mistake” with. If you go to the same church, change churches. If you work for the same employer, change jobs (unless it is CERTAIN that you will never have contact with each other because he’s in one location and you are many miles away.) A hurt spouse heals very, very slowly if the spouse who did the hurting still has opportunity to see the other person. No matter what – even if you feel responsible for the other guy – you must not have any contact with him at all. Do the right thing.

There is more, but you get the idea. You can read more about forgiveness in my new book Your LovePath. You may also wish to consider asking your husband to come to our turnaround weekend for marriages in trouble. We will do quite a bit to help each of you move ahead and leave the past hurt behind. You can find out more by clicking here.

Q: I agree with your statement that a marriage can recover from all kinds of past hurts, but I think there is a caveat. I don’t think it is possible to have a solid marriage after abuse, affairs, etc., if the abuser is willing to continue the marriage but will not apologize or speak in any way about the past.  If he, in fact, thinks that slaps are funny. What do you think?

A: The statement I make is this, “Any marriage can be saved if two things happen. First, each must stop doing the things destroying the relationship. Second, each must do the things to make love grow.”

I stand by that statement and have seen it work thousands of times in real lives.

However, if a man thinks slapping his wife is funny, he certainly hasn’t stopped doing the things destroying a relationship.

If either person has had an affair and will not allow the other spouse to discuss it so that healing can take place and trust eventually return, that person is not doing the things to make love grow.

The situation you describe does not fit my criteria. Do NOT accept abuse, even slapping. Do insist that adultery not only be stopped but that openness and honesty must take place so that healing can come. If he continues to think that slapping is funny and that he has no obligation to discuss his affair with you, the marriage will only last as long as you can put up with that behavior.

So why do you?

Q:  Please share with me how I can learn to love my husband again. The kids have grown and left home, and I feel like I am married to a stranger. I feel like he doesn’t listen to me – actually, I’m certain of it by the questions he asks – I can tell he doesn’t listen. I feel dead inside for him.

A: I’m so sorry that your marriage has deteriorated to this state, yet you are not unique by any means. Many couples realize after the last child has grown and gone that the bond holding them together was not love for each other but love for their children.

Over time the focus a couple had for each other gets blurred by life. Early romance gradually fades as work, health, finances, children, and other matters beg for attention. When that happens love fades but often isn’t noticed because one’s emotions are so diverted from the spouse and filled by other people (such as children) and desires (such as success). Apparently, that has happened to you.

The good news is that if you loved each other once, you can love each other again. (To be more accurate, even if you never loved each other before, you can learn to love each other now.) Love doesn’t just happen; it is a process. When one follows that process she falls in love whether she means to or not. When she vacates or violates that process, she falls out of love whether she wants to or not.

It took an entire book for me to explain this process adequately (you can find Your LovePath here), so please allow me to speak to only one of the steps on that path at this moment. It is acceptance. Acceptance that creates and sustains love is that which allows each person to be who s/he really is rather than having to paint a picture that the other person prefers. Your statement that your husband doesn’t listen in essence says that he doesn’t pay attention to who you really are. You feel empty because you are. Living as a housemate is quite different than living as a lover.

So who do we fix? Him? You? Both?

Of course, the answer is nearly always both. However, if he isn’t listening to what you say, you likely think that he isn’t going to change and there is nothing you can do to change him. In one sense that is true, no one can make me be anything and can only “make” me do something if the only other choice is to be hurt in some way. (Hold the gun on me and I’ll give you my money. However, I am NOT going to love you.) In another sense, it is true. My behaviors can have a powerful effect on a person that lives with me.

This will sound too simple, and it is, but it is the place to start. Begin the process of falling in love again by listening to him. I know you are thinking that he doesn’t talk or doesn’t talk about anything of interest to you. Here’s the secret. Everyone has stories from various points of their lives that make them who they are. When we learn the stories of another, we learn more about them than in nearly any other way. Even if you have heard all his stories, ask for them again, but this time key in on what he feels as he tells them. Listen without censuring or judging. Ask questions about those feelings. Ask how that story affected who he is today. Gradually start telling your own stories (but never interrupting his).

My guess is that if you really do this, not giving up if it doesn’t start out well, you will begin to see again why you first fell in love with him years ago. You will also find him listening to you, if not a request to take out the trash, at least to the stories of who you are.

Try it and tell me if it works.

Kevin McGill reported for the story for the Associated Press. Here are the highlights.

“NEW ORLEANS (AP) — A Louisiana woman is accused of trading two young children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175 cash from a couple who had been trying for years to have their own child, authorities said Thursday…The transaction for the 5-year-old boy and the 4-year-old girl was negotiated by phone after [she] spotted a flier posted at a livestock barn selling a cockatoo for $1,500 and called the [couple] on Feb. 18…”

Though the woman was a caretaker, she obviously had no right to put the children up for adoption as she told the couple she could. She’s been charged with kidnapping. 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people who claim that they wish to help others, who apply for helping positions, or who work for helping organizations, really were what they claimed to be? Maybe I’m becoming cynical but I’m becoming cautious about nearly everyone these days. Will they do what they claim? Are they what they appear to be? 

Though I likely will be hanged from the nearest tree for saying this, I am strongly in favor of stringent and harsh punishment for those who hurt children — physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. — and hope that the court throws the book at this “caretaker” woman. Yes, she may have problems of her own and someone should help her work through her own issues. In prison. Caged like a bird.

Don’t you love those sites where you can see what happened on a certain date in history? Just this morning I read the NY Times page online that gives various events from this day, March 3. 

Couple of airline crashes; one in 1974 and one in 1991. I remember the 1991 crash in Colorado Springs because of witnesses on the ground saying that as the plane ploughed into the earth passengers were staring out the windows. I’ve never shaken that image.

In 1845 Florida became a state. It didn’t list the date that it effectively became a northern state rather than a southern state. 

The fact that caught my eye most readily was that on this date in 1959 comedian Lou Costello died of a heart attack, three days short of his 53rd birthday. He was the kind of man I would like to have known, I think. He and his partner, Bud Abbot, raised more money in war bonds than just about anyone during World War II. It didn’t make any difference to the IRS, I’ve read, because when they discovered that Abbot and Costello were behind on their taxes — apparently the consequences of a crooked business manager — the guys had to sell their houses and other assets. That led to the breakup of the duo in 1957 and for the last couple years of his life, Costello operated on his own.

Read his story sometime if you wish to be inspired. He tried Hollywood, didn’t make it, and eventually became a comedian. Unlike many in vaudeville at the time, he refused to use what he considered to be off-color material. After he and Abbot teamed up, they hit the big time in radio, movies, and TV. In 1942 Lou couldn’t work for a year because of rheumatic fever. The night he returned to work on the radio he asked his wife to keep their less than year old son up to hear Dad. Sadly, the son drowned in their backyard pool before the live show aired. Costello did the show anyway saying, “Wherever his is, I want him to hear me.” Only at the end of the show did Abbot tell the audience what had occurred.

My youngest, Kimberly, watched the Abbot and Costello movie Hold That Ghost so many times when she was a kid that she would say the dialogue along with the actors. Like the rest of us, she fell in love with the bumbling characters Costello played so well. (Actually, he was an athlete, especially good at basketball.)

When Lou died I was barely 10. My memories of him come from seeing so many of his movies again and again. He made his mark on the world by making people laugh and those who weren’t born until 30 years after his death — my Kimberly — find as much pleasure in him as did those who were his contemporaries.

Reading about his death today made me think of what people will remember about me. If they remember any joy, laughter, or happiness I helped them have even for an hour, that will be a good thing.

What about you? What will people remember about you?

There it is right on the cover of the February 2009 issue of Southern Living magazine. The title and the picture; a banana pudding made with nutter butters instead of vanilla wafers. According to Nabisco’s web site, there are a billion calories, all from fat, in just one Nutter Butter. Well, okay, I didn’t actually look but I’m confident that’s about right.

According to the CDC, quite a few of us in the USA are obese — not just overweight, but obese. To show where most of the obese live, they break it down by state. In 2007 (latest numbers) the three highest are Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee. The lowest is Colorado. Not too much of a stretch to understand that. We in the Southeast fry everything, including tomatoes, but people in Colorado only eat the bounties of nature they find while hiking. A seven-course meal for us is a possum and a six pack. For them it’s three acorns, two berries, a sip of snow runoff, and a daisy for dessert. They live longer; we require jumbo coffins.

Because I’m considered a marriage expert, I must point out a major problem with the fattening of America beyond the physical and health issues. Often people tell me that they love their spouses more than ever, but no longer wish to make love to them because they are repulsed by their bulging bodies. As one fellow said, “She was beautiful and would be again if she were thin. But when she asks me if her weight bothers me, I think of how much I love her and tell a ’smiley faced lie.’ She doesn’t have a medical condition; she just has no discipline. I love her; I just don’t want to make love to her.”

When I mention that in workshops where marriage counselors and therapists attend, I hear from most of them that they run into this same dilemma in their practices, but in our politically correct world they fear saying much about it. I agree that prejudice toward anyone for anything, including weight, is uncalled for. At the same time, I know that this is causing a great deal of marital distress. One lady called my radio program and told me that when she asked her husband if she were fat, he said yes. “That was three years ago and he still hasn’t asked me to forgive him,” she said. I told her that he didn’t need forgiving for telling the truth and that if she didn’t want to know she shouldn’t have asked him. 

If you ask your spouse if your weight affects his/her desire to make love to you, I figure one of three things will happen if the answer is yes. 1) S/he will answer honestly and then the two of you can work together to get back in shape. 2) S/he will answer honestly and in response you will punish the honest answer. 3) S/he will lie to keep peace. The only one of those options that work well and make love grow is number one. 

The US Dept. of Health has a handy online Body Mass Index tool that will tell you if you are underweight, normal, overweight, or obese.

No, it’s none of your business what mine is.

Yesterday morning I sat in a doctor’s waiting room as Alice was in for a checkup. Like most guys, I hate waiting and it was even worse yesterday because they had a new widescreen HDTV on the wall. I looove those High Definition televisions and every time I see one I resent the behemoth in our family room. Fifteen years old, if it’s a day, it weighs so much that it takes a forklift, a crane, and 300 able-bodied men just to move it. (What do you mean I’m exaggerating?) When we moved into our house, it went where it was going and it stays there until we move again, if we ever do.

There is no way in this economy we are buying a new one. (Sorry, Mr. President.) Dave Ramsey is right, as far as I’m concerned; we should eliminate debt and live on what we actually have. Unfortunately, the vast majority of us aren’t there yet.

That leads me to the subject at hand. Stress. Especially now. On that wonderful TV yesterday I watched NBCs Today show as I waited for Alice. Natalie Morales and Al Roker interviewed a couple psychologists on how to deal with stress in the current economic climate. (Though pretty on camera, even HDTV doesn’t do Natalie justice. In person she’s stunning. Don’t know about Al; never been interviewed by him. Maybe he’s stunning, too.)

Because the volume was low I couldn’t hear much of what the psychologists said, but every few seconds they’d put a point on the bottom of the screen so I think I got the gist. Common sense stuff, of course, but who thinks with a lot of commons sense when they’re stressed?

In another blog, I will address a few spiritual methods for overcoming stress. In this one let’s just list a few practical things you can do right now:

1. Walk, jog, exercise — whatever physical activity you can motivate yourself to do. It really helps.

2. Talk, share, interact with people who are positive and upbeat about what the future holds. Not idealistic idiots, but people with confidence and faith. As Ziz Ziglar says, “I will not be SNIOPED!” (Susceptible to the Negative Influence of Other People.)

3. Think, dream, plan — in tough times you usually lose if you do the “same old, same old.” Evaluate your strengths, abilities, and talents and find a new way to put them to use to make income and/or make a difference.

4. Stop being omphaloskeptic. Look beyond yourself and your own situation. See the big picture.

5. When you see the big world picture, thank God that you have the benefits and blessings that you have. I could link here to pictures of starving children, elderly people still working under heavy loads just to survive, people being beaten or tortured. Most of the world is much worse off than you. Be thankful, not gloomy.

6. DO SOMETHING! Get off the sofa, not matter how sorry you feel for yourself, and do something today that makes a difference, either in your income, or in the life of someone who needs you. Do both if you can.

7. Stop being negative and become positive in how you think, act, and talk. Even to yourself. Positive affirmations lead to much better results than self-recrimination, self-pity, and helplessness. So the next time you have a negative thought, repeal it with twenty positive repetitions to yourself. (Things such as, “We survive and prosper,” or “God controls all,” or “I am successful,” or “I am blessed beyond measure.”

Last summer Alice cashed in about-to-expire airline miles for a plethora of magazine subscriptions. We thought she only signed up for about twenty, but based on the looks the postman has been throwing our way, I think the actual number may be somewhere closer to infinity. Together we chose a wide range to get a cross section of what’s being published out there — a spectrum from The Economist to TV Guide.

We actually read some of them.

Over the last couple months nearly every one of those magazines has featured President Obama on their covers at least once. Yep, even TV Guide. I admit I didn’t read all the articles but I skimmed through quite a few. After all, this is historic; the first non-white USA president is a major shift. Young, relatively inexperienced in the “business as usual” Washington ways, charismatic, media-savvy, handsome, lovely family, articulate; this guy’s got it going on. Not only are Americans giddy, so are many other nations in the world.

And the guys’ got guts. Did you see the TV reports on Feb 4 where he threw down the gauntlet before CEOs of those companies receiving government bailout money? You could practically hear the cheers from middle America. We’ve never had a president who better understood media and how to use it to his best effect. News anchors getting personal interviews line up at the White House. ABC reported the other night that five anchors were lined up waiting at one time.

The closest thing to this in my lifetime was the Camelot era of John F. Kennedy. He made history as well. Paranoia screamed that if we elected a Catholic as president we’d be ruled by the Pope. Inaugurated in January 1961, he and his beautiful family captured the imaginations and hearts of millions around the planet. We’ll never know what he might have done because of an assassin’s bullet in November 1963, but his start was dazzling in the public’s eyes.

Will Obama be a great president? Time, as always, will tell. Just this morning I watched various Senators rail against his stimulus plan and his “slick use of media to try to scare people into voting for a bad bill.” Politics very seldom go smoothly.

I’m not among those who voted for him but unlike Rush Limbaugh’s infamous statement (that led to great Limbaugh publicity when Obama unwisely responded), I don’t wish him to fail. For Bible believers the directions are plain: “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior,” (1 Timothy 2:1-3)

Hmmm. Requests. Prayers. Intercession. Thanksgiving. For “all those in authority.” That’s what is written; that’s what I will do. Hope you do as well.

I wish that over my lifetime I had kept a journal of all the rumors about me that finally made it all the way to me. As with most of us, there have been some doozies. A few years ago I told my daughters that you cannot stand up for what you believe without making enemies, creating jealousies, and just plain old ticking people off.

Remember the lies the “witnesses” told to have Jesus crucified? Even He had to deal with people claiming He did or said things He never said or did. That’s what happens when people don’t like what you do. If they can’t find real dirt — easy enough with most of us, though not for Jesus — they make up their own. Just this past week a minister told me of another minister who flagrantly lied about him and justified it because he felt my minister friend was a detriment to the kingdom as the liar viewed it.

It takes nothing to start a tale and give it impetus. It seems that people love gossip, even if it hasn’t the slightest possibility of reality. Dish dirt and it takes off in every direction. With the Internet, it can become international in minutes.

Like the Jane Fonda story from the Vietnam War days. It claims that a POW gave her a note to bring back to the USA and she promptly turned it over to the Vietnamese. Pure bunk. Check it out — actually you should check LOTS of stuff out — on www.snopes.com. Or the alleged scholar comments comparing Obama to Hitler. The alleged commencement speech by Yogi Berra. On and on it goes. No matter what the politics, religion, or year lived, no one is immune to the rumor mill. For example, look at the quotes section of Snopes and see how Bush, Gore, and even Lincoln get skewered for things they never said.

So what do you do when you hear things about you that shock or sadden you because they are so terribly untrue? Ignore it. I recall one of my Bible professors back in 1967 give credence to a terrible rumor about one of the ministers in town by saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” Though a young, inexperienced college student at the time, I approached the minister in question and asked about it. He laughed. When I asked if he were going to defend himself, he said, “Against whom? Against what? I can’t control what those people say — especially when no one ‘fesses up to being the one doing the talking. I’ll just do my ministry. Otherwise, I’ll drive myself nuts, lose focus, and the devil wins.”

Quite simply the old adage, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” doesn’t work in the rumor world. Don’t get involved in either telling, tracking, or responding. If asked by reputable people, tell the truth. Otherwise, just keep on doing what you are supposed to do in the kingdom. It drives the devil mad…as well as those who love to dish dirt.