Angel, our mentally handicapped daughter, plays Barbara Mandrell’s “Christmas At Our House” a kazillion times over the holidays. That’s okay. We’re all Barbara fans. A few years ago Barbara called me to ask if it would be okay if she sent Angel some of her CDs and an autographed picture. Also, she wanted to know if she could call Angel to talk with her for a few minutes. Barbara is a wonderful human being with a big heart.

That song brought another thought to my mind. Tonight, how many children will beg God for the most important Christmas present they’ve ever asked for, “Please, God, keep my family together.” Bickering, fighting couples often increase their negativity toward each other through December. That’s likely why January reportedly has more divorce filings than any other month. And it’s not just children praying with all their hearts. Parents, brothers, sisters, and friends ask God for the same thing for couples whose marriages are in crisis.

If you are married and hurting, you can change things before Christmas day. Yes, it can be done. I’ve witnessed it repeatedly over the last decade. Marriages, seemingly impossible marriages, healed and put on a very different path in just three days. Miracle? Yep. But what better time of year to ask for and receive a miracle?

Don’t let Christmas come with tears, anger, or frustration. Do something now. Before Christmas. Call 1-866-903-0990 and we’ll listen. We’ve helped thousands of other marriages turn around. For the sake of all who love you…and for the sake of yourself…give us the chance to make this Christmas the best you’ve ever had.

Nothing is impossible when miracles occur.

Q: I found out a few months ago that my husband of 13 years is having an affair with a 21 year old. He told me he was not in love with me and wanted a divorce but lied and lied saying nothing else was going on. He blamed me for the end of our marriage and made me feel like crap for 3 months….This was totally out of the blue for me and I did everything I could to make him love me again or to find out what was really wrong. I found out on my own by breaking into his email account and what I found devastated me…I found letters and poems and pictures…very detailed and very hurtful…their affair was for about 5 months. He planned on leaving me and the children for her. He is military and left on a deployment for 6 months, basically telling me he needed time to think and I said I would wait for him…that was BEFORE I knew about the affair, I found out AFTER he left for the 6 months. I have been a mess! I am depressed and crying all the time, my kids are hurt and confused as well. He is due back home in a month…What in the world do I do? Do I let him back into our home? He says it is over with her and he wants me but how can I believe that? How could I EVER trust him or love him in the same way again?

A: The emotional roller coaster that your husband went through is called limerence. For detailed information, see chapter four in Your LovePath. The short version is this: When a person becomes that enamored with another (obsessive thinking, unable to see the other’s faults, great longing to be with that person, etc.) the brain produces more dopamine and less serotonin. That means that they have feelings of ecstasy while at the same time losing inhibition. In short, they go a little crazy for a while. A person in that state typically lies, covers actions, and does all sorts of rationalizing and justifying in his/her mind. That’s why your husband could convince himself that it would be okay to leave you and your children.

IF he is over the limerence, you have a decent chance to make a good marriage if you let him come back home. If he is still in limerence, then he will continue the deceptive behavior until someone helps him overcome that. Either way — forgive the commercial — I feel strongly that we can help. Working with couples when one is in limerence with someone else is one of our specialities. While I cannot guarantee success, odds are good; we are able to help save three of four marriages. You can find out more about that workshop here.

If you choose to take a chance and allow him back home, do something (even if it is not my workshop) to repair the marriage. Do not think that you can go on as if nothing happened or you may one day find yourself in a similar situation.

Q: Hello Joe, I have a very important question….because its everywhere, more then I ever imagined. That does not make it right. It’s consensual sex with husband & wife with others, commonly know as swingers. If a married couple seems like the fire has been turned to a pilot waiting to be lit,what’s wrong with a little soft or so swinging as long as no one gets hurt physically or emotionally, and it enhances the married couple’s sex life after the fact in the privacy of their own bedroom…and it’s not a whole (lifestyle), it’s a jump in and get out just to enjoy the nature that was given to us. Is it better than to deceive your spouse and commit adultery? IMPORTANT: answer needed. PLEASE!!

A: Though I, as always, withheld your identity, I think it helpful to our readers to know this question is from a wife. As you say, this happens more than most people imagine. Recently I corresponded about this with my friend Brian Alexander who writes the Sexploration column for MSNBC. We discussed the varying reports of how many American married couples participate in “the alternative lifestyle” that used to be called swinging, and before that wife-swapping. There is no clear answer because much of the so-called research fails miserably in meeting scientifically acceptable research standards and procedures. The more reliable research has been done by actual scholars rather than people with an agenda. A quick scan of scholarly articles indicates that somewhere between 1.7% and 4% of the married couples in the USA have, or are participating in some form of consensual sex with others.  That’s quite a number of couples. According to the US census, there were 54.5 million married couples in the USA in the year 2000. Using that number, 1.7% would be a little shy of a million couples, and 4 % would be over two million couples. Either way, that’s a LOT of couples.

However, as you stated, “that does not make it right.”

My friend Brian at MSNBC has a different world view than mine. He’s an agnostic and I’m a Christian. (Yes, we really are friends. I like the guy a lot.) Yet when Brian wrote an article about swinging, he penned, “…swinging can be a minefield of jealousy and I shouldn’t have to remind you that we are living in the age of AIDS, herpes and a stew of other sexually transmitted diseases. Indeed, swinging often sounds more fun than it is. Ads for swing clubs often depict extremely sexy women and handsome men, but try going to a nude beach someday. Take a look around. Those are the types of bodies you are most likely to encounter at a swing party. Personals advertising swinging couples often beg for single men to stay away because many more men are interested in swinging than women. Remember, sometimes the fantasy of something is better than the reality.”

I don’t hang out at nude beaches, but I see the folks walking by me on the streets and get his point about that. However, it seems you have a particular couple in mind, and if that is the case you likely see them as attractive. I wondered if that is why you went on to list your reasons that would lead you to think it okay. Your points were:

1. It would turn on your “pilot light” and make sex better for your husband and you.

2. You would only do it briefly and not actually go into that lifestyle.

3. It would be better to do this than commit adultery.

Let me respond to those in order…

1. If you and your husband consensually involve yourselves in sex with other couples, or having sex in the same room as another couple (soft swinging), that could, indeed, rev up the passion of the sex act. Admittedly, over time a couple has sex less often and, as anyone that has been married for a while can attest, it can get boring. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is one of the leading sex experts, researchers, and wrters in America. He wrote me recently, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” His point is that a natural part of life is that sex isn’t always going to be great, exciting, and all that kind of thing. That’s why the most important thing in a marriage isn’t sex, but the bonding between husband and wife that develops a deep, loving, life-long commitment. There are many ways to spice up a sex life in marriage without involving other people, but no matter what you do — even swinging — sex in and of itself isn’t going to be what you apparently think it is going to be.

2. As to the “get in and get out” and be excited by the memories of the brief excursion, you know that isn’t realistic. If you found it exciting, you would repeat it. If you found it repulsive, you would develop very negative feelings toward your husband for being involved in it. Remember the commercial about no one being able to eat just one potato chip? Telling yourself it would be brief and not a lifestyle is a well-used and very effective form of self delusion. If you enjoyed it physically, the reality is that eventually you would have to have it to become sexually aroused and never again would your husband alone be enough for you. Remember what Brian wrote above about “minefield of jealousy”? We have worked with the couples that started into swinging and eventually; 1) one of them fell in love with another sex partner, 2) one of them (usually the wife, but not always) started comparing themselves to the other sex partners and felt ugly, unexciting, etc., 3) sex became more important than relationship and they became strangers living in the same house. In short, this line of thinking just isn’t valid.

3. Having sex with another couple is adultery. The fact that it is consensual doesn’t mean that you aren’t violating your marriage covenant. That’s what adultery is; violation of the marriage covenant. That’s why lusting after someone you are not married to is already committing adultery. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). As to our “nature that was given to us” you referred to, Jesus went on immediately to say, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” In short, He said that if our flesh leads us to violate what should be holy, we’d be much better off to get rid of the flesh than the face the spiritual consequences.

Paul visits the theme of walking by the flesh or walking by the Spirit several times in his writings. For example, start at Galatians 5:19 and read the next several verses. Look up the definitions of the words used to describe the works of the flesh. The alternative lifestyle, swinging, wife-swapping, or whatever you wish to call it falls squarely within the description of walking by the flesh.

Could you avoid the flesh if you just have sex in the same room as another couple and not actually touch them? Think about it. It’s flesh, not Spirit. Sex is a bond between a man and a woman. It is not to be polluted, diluted, or intruded upon by involving any other person. Ever.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

Q: In reference to your answer concerning the woman who never knew when her husband was going to get mad, what usually happens to the husband after the wife moves on due to the fact he would not take responsibility for his actions and continued his ways of verbal and mental abuse.

A: Typically they make life as miserable as they can for the wife that left them. Usually the children, too, if there are any.

Spouses such as the one described in the post to which you refer are people who very much want to control every person close to them, and become furious when they cannot. If the controlled spouse finally has enough of the anger, belittling, and disrespect, they will leave if they believe they can do so without being harmed. However, if they have enough fear, they may stay for years, maybe a lifetime, because they lack the emotional strength to face the potential consequences. Some finally gain the courage to leave despite their fears. Others seek help from abuse centers in their local community or nearby cities. When they leave it is not uncomm0n for the abandoned spouse to increase his/her efforts to control by trying to stop them from leaving, or manipulating them to come back. Their behavior and actions may range from being charming, penitent, and seemingly broken to being angry, demanding, and dangerous.

Am I implying that the controlling spouse cannot change? He or she usually can change, though all to often they choose not to. For the change to be real, professional help nearly always is required to do one or more of the following:

1. Help the angry, controlling spouse overcome his/her anger and need to control

2. Create for both mates different marriage expectations and boundaries than previously existed

3. Help the controlled spouse deal with self-esteem and personal boundaries, while at the same time helping him/her to recognize personal flaws or failings. (This almost always requires a professional help. The person needs to learn how to stand up for self without becoming arrogant, self-righteous, or vengeful in the process.)

4. Create a system and pathway for resolution if the previous angry, controlling behavior returns, or if any other significant marriage problem develops. This, of course, may involve the intervention of others.

There is more, but this gives the idea. If both spouses adapt to this new way of interacting, the marriage may actually be saved.

If the marriage isn’t saved but the controlling spouse goes on to procures the help to learn how to overcome their anger and need to control, they may actually have a good marriage with a new person down the road.

On the other hand, if the controlling spouse continues in his/her angry ways, and the controlled spouse refuses to succumb to that control, after a while the controlling spouse typically will move on to another person but with the same pattern. If they find another who will react positively to them, they will establish a new relationship — perhaps even marry — but unless something very unusual occurs, they will soon be controlling the new partner as they did the one before. That pattern will continue throughout their lives until they find someone willing to live like that, (or too afraid to leave), and then they will continue controlling that person until death. It’s possible they may moderate some as they age, but it is just as likely, if not more so, that the older they get the meaner they become. Folks such as this usually don’t die well, and more people are thankful for their death than those who mourn it.

To summarize, there are three possible outcomes. The first is that they both get the help they need, save the marriage, and have a good life together. The second is that the controlling spouse goes ahead to get the needed help, even though the controlled spouse refuses to come back. In that case, they may have a good marriage with someone new. The third is that the controlling spouse continues their current course of behavior for a lifetime, and may God be with whomever they are in relationship with.

Q: It seems like every day I am living my life on the edge, never knowing when my husband is going to get mad about something.  It seems like I can’t make him happy no matter what I do and when he talks down to me it makes me feel like crap.  Especially when he gets really mad (about absolutely nothing…seriously it comes out of nowhere.)  He has threatened me many times, saying, “If you ever cheat on me, you will end up in pieces in some river!”  or “If you ever take my child away from me….”  He has tried to choke me. One night he hit me and I told him to let me out of the car and I walked home in the dark that night, scared out of my mind.  After all this happens, he acts like everything is okay, like I shouldn’t be mad. Before we were married, he used to be so sweet, opening doors for me, holding me close, and I could see in his eyes that he loved me.  It really makes me sad because that is the person I fell in love with and now, I don’t know who he is.  I have never felt so low about myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.

How much am I supposed to take? 

Lately I have been having dreams about other guys (that I don’t know) that show me affection or some sign that they care about me and it feels really good, but I always feel guilty in my dreams because something tells me, “you are married.”  One night the guy was about to tell me how he felt and kiss me and it made me feel so special, but I woke up right away.  It is sad because I wanted to go right back in that dream, and I actually tried. 

I just feel so broken down because I am alone in this relationship. I tell him what I need, for him to treat me well and give me hugs, etc., but he says he won’t change for anyone. Do you have any answers for me?

A: You aren’t alone. Time and again I hear from one spouse (usually the wife) about the controlling, angry nature of the other spouse. Maybe some of these statements from others reflect what you feel:

• I find myself thinking “how will he react” before I do anything. I live in fear that whatever I do, say, think, or feel will set him off.
• When he wants me to see it or do anything his way, he keeps on and on until he wears me down and I finally give in. Then he acts like I finally saw the light, but I feel overpowered and frustrated.
• He tells me that I don’t show him the respect he deserves, but it’s hard to respect a man who constantly runs you down and wants to control nearly everything you do
• He expects me to be a great lover and want him all the time, but I can’t go from being treated like a second-class citizen to all of a sudden becoming a sexual siren like he thinks I’m supposed to
• He constantly criticizes me for not building up his ego, but he feels free to tell anyone he wishes what he thinks my flaws are
• He tells me my motives are selfish whenever I do something I enjoy. He has derided me so often that I question myself and doubt myself.
• Can I ever be me again? Will I live my life trying to be whatever he wants me to be, or do whatever he wants me to do?

The bad news is that nothing will change about him as long as you allow him to treat you this way. In a sense you are the child and he is the parent. And not a very nice parent at that. Age may mellow him, but it may not and if it does it will take many years.

In my opinion, you will either live like this until you can’t take it at all and then do something dumb like committing adultery, or you must take charge of your life now. Having lived like this for a while, it’s possible that you will need therapy to overcome your own emotional confusion. You don’t have to divorce him, but you do have to put your foot down and make him face the consequences of his own behavior. If he hits or chokes you, call the police. If you are afraid of serious harm or death, quietly find the folks in your community who operate safe houses for abused women and let them guide you. If he verbally abuses you rather than physically, don’t think that’s okay. Verbal and emotional abuse is destructive and shouldn’t be tolerated. If that continues, you may find it much better to move out, find the spiritual and emotional support you need, and then – if he doesn’t change – move on.

If you are a Christian and fear that you will anger God if you don’t stay and take it, read Ephesians 5 where it says plainly that a husband is to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This man is NOT doing that. He is failing his responsibility and being a bully, a manipulator, and a threat. In my view you have no obligation to stay with him if he does not get the help he needs to become a very different person than he is now.

I repeat: This is not going to change on its own. The odds of that are extremely low. YOU must stand up, be the adult that you are under all that confusion, and take charge of your life to make it what it should and could be. There are people in your community who can help you. Start with your church. If you don’t find it there, find a church or a center that has counselors or therapists. If you cannot afford that, call your county administrative offices and ask them where to find the help you need. There are people who care and who will stand beside you.

Don’t live like this any longer.

Q: Read your blog “husband angry, unable to forgive.” Joe, this is my situation almost exactly; except my wife says she doesn’t love me and wants a divorce. I haven’t been the right kind of husband for years, but I thought I was, so I wouldn’t budge, and she detached herself from me and then the “mistake” came. HELP !!!

A: Forgive me if my assumption is wrong, but I assume the mistake you refer to is that your wife is (or has been) involved with another man. As you saw in my blog to which you refer, I don’t view that as a mistake but a very poor decision leading to wrong actions. Nevertheless, you say she wants to divorce you. Let’s talk about how you may be able to turn that around.

You admit that you “wouldn’t budge” over the years. Often we see that in men. The wife complains about the relationship, wanting more, but the husband tends to defend himself with, “Hey, I’m not running around on you, drinking to much, gambling, (whatever), so we have a good marriage.” While it is important that those type negative things do not occur, you cannot build a marriage by what you do NOT do. To build a marriage, or any type relationship, each person must do what it takes to make love grow. Leave it to itself, untended, and it slowly dies. Of course, you now know that, so forgive me for emphasizing the point. (I do so for others who have not yet found themselves in your situation.)

If your wife is a Christian or has strong moral values, you may wish to find people that she respects and get them to do an intervention to try to save your marriage. It is unlikely to work if you do the intervention, but if people she respects follow the guidelines in the link in the last sentence, it may well be possible to turn this situation around.

If not, you may wish to consider asking her if she will come with you to one of our weekend workshops for marriages in crisis. From what you write, it appears that she wouldn’t wish to come to save the marriage, but it is fascinating that many people will come for other reasons such as:

• being able to say they’ve tried everything,
• get a better deal in the divorce,
• get minister/parents/children/friends off their backs,
• clear their consciences,
• and many other reasons.

The wonderful thing is that even if they do not wish to be there, we still have a three out of four chance of saving their marriages if we can just get them into the workshop for all three days.

In the meantime, pray. Pray with all your heart, mind, and soul. Ask God to intervene and put blockades in the way of your divorce and create situations that can lead to the reconciliation of your marriage. Also, tell him honestly (don’t lie to the Father) that you WILL change as you learn how to be the husband you need to be.

In the meantime, for more information, call us at 866-903-0990 or click here.

Q: I went through several of your past posts that led me to your article on Intervention. I started thinking about the interactions with my wife. Every few days, we have a question and answer session about something that is nothing, but made to be an affair or deceit on my part. It usually ends with, “it will come out in the end” or “it will come out in court”. Our conversations don’t go anywhere. They have the same pattern – anger, yelling, sarcasm, threats, blame etc. When I confront, most of the time, I heard statements like “I don’t remember” or “I didn’t say that” or just plain denial which then leads to the anger, yelling,  etc . People from my church have been having conversations with my wife. They report that there has been little success in the conversations, all having the same elements with me being blamed for everything, my past sins being brought up as present day and no personal responsibility for her own actions. I know that I stopped being listened to and heard a long time ago. I am starting to find that others aren’t being listened to either. I believe my wife may be going through the stages of delusion discussed in the Intervention document, somewhere between stages 3 and 4. I am running out of options. I see intervention as my last hope. Will it work for anger?

A: Anger is based in hurt and pain. When a person expresses anger, it may be toward the person with whom the pain is associated, or it may be toward someone just because he is close by and an easy target. Though I am not a therapist or counselor (web sites continually get that wrong and describe me as a marriage counselor), I know that effective therapists don’t ask, “What are you angry about?” but instead ask, “Where do you hurt?” If they can get to the base of the pain, they find the base of the anger.

Can anger be an addiction? Read this quote from the Anger Management Training Institute, “…in the same way that some people embrace drugs or alcohol or eating or sex to get a temporary reduction in their level of emotional pain, others simply wrap themselves in an impermeable cloak of anger that protects them and gives them a short-lived sense of power over all threats, real and imagined. Once this pernicious relationship with anger has been hardwired into the addictive mechanisms of the brain, getting an anger addict to talk about not getting angry anymore works about as well as getting an alcoholic to talk about not drinking anymore.” They, and others who write about anger, sometimes refer to it as rageaholism. So, yes, it appears that at least some in the therapeutic fields see anger itself as an addiction, even though based on some inner pain.

As you saw in the Intervention document, interventions are best done not by the spouse him- herself but by those that are trusted by the person who needs the intervention. You refer to people from your church. If that means your wife goes to another church, or has a different set of people in whom she has confidence, you will need to find your intervention team from those people. Interventions from people who aren’t known well or who are virtual strangers typically get a “what gives you the right to put your nose in my business” kind of response.

Because I am not an anger expert, I am not the best source to figure how to do this. However, I’m sure that a Google Trip will find plenty of resources in your local area, as well as great information from experts around the world.

No one can live a lifetime of being berated, chastised, impugned, and maligned. At least no one can live a happy lifetime, or even a fulfilling lifetime, when constantly targeted by anger from an individual. My friend Willard Harley calls it a love buster: He writes that continual angry outbursts eventually destroy love completely.

Of course, we are thinking totally from your point of view. If you were doing those things that your wife accuses you of, my answer would be very different…aimed at you rather than her.

Q:  My marriage has been in crisis for a couple of years now. I made a terrible terrible mistake a couple of years ago.  My husband and myself tried to work things out.  I thought he had forgiven me then but he did not.  I took him for granted and felt that everything was ok and continued on with life.  Now there is very limited communication.  I guess I can use the word separation but living in the same house.  Divorce has been mentioned but I felt like that was not an option.  I have spoken to him and begged for him to give us another try.  Anger and rage etc.. has over taken his heart.  And I truly understand.  But to make a long story short I so want this to work but don’t know what to do.

A: I’m so sorry that you made your “terrible mistake” a couple years ago. If the “mistake” is what I assume it is, in actuality it wasn’t a mistake but a wrong decision. I don’t wish to sound mean, but a mistake is hitting the wrong key on the keyboard. Doing something that you do willingly, even if it is the wrong thing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s done on purpose. As we have all learned about life, every decision and every action have both short-term consequences and long-term consequences. No, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to help you understand that if your husband hears you referring to your actions as a mistake, he likely will hear it as your not taking full responsibility for what happened. You don’t want him to view it that way.

Allow me to share with you an acronym that I use to help people turn ACHE into ACHED (in other words, move it from the present to the past so that it can be gotten over.)

A – acknowledge your husband’s hurt. Whatever anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. he feels, you validate as being his right and that you understand and accept that your actions led to these emotions. Don’t blame him or offer any excuses. Make sure that you affirm his hurt and your role in it. Don’t do it boldly, but gently and with obvious remorse.

C – confessyour wrong. People often ask me if they have to give details about what they did. My reply is that if you ever want to be trusted again you must answer all questions as openly and honestly as possible. Realize that you will see more anger and hurt in your husband as you “tell all.” As in step one, acknowledge that and affirm it as his right to feel these emotions. Your revelation should be accomplished by strong words such as “sorry” rather than weak words such as “apologize.” Give no rationalization and don’t even try to explain how it happened unless he asks for that information. Hopefully you did that a couple years ago. If not, it’s not too late.

H – hear to understand. He won’t be able to get past the anger until he has had opportunity to spill all of it on you. Don’t focus on his words that hurt, but the words that help you understand the consequences in his life, heart, and soul. Make sure that you really, really understand what he feels and why he feels it. Again, offer no defense. Your job here isn’t to justify self, it is to understand his pain and the anger that comes from it.

E – emotionally connect. If you are listening closely to his pain, you will begin to feel some of what he feels. That may sound harsh and way too large a price to pay, but until he feels that you can understand not just what he is saying but also what he is feeling, he will have a difficult time forgiving and moving on. Again, the goal here is to validate him and to affirm his right to feel what he feels.

D – dothe right thing. If he needs to track your whereabouts for a while, let him. If he feels insecure for a while, go out of your way to make him feel secure. No one can live under constant surveillance and judgment forever, so don’t plan to do this for more than a year or so. But you may need to do it that long to help him overcome his fear of being hurt again.

Another part of doing the right thing is to cut off ALL contact with the person you made your “mistake” with. If you go to the same church, change churches. If you work for the same employer, change jobs (unless it is CERTAIN that you will never have contact with each other because he’s in one location and you are many miles away.) A hurt spouse heals very, very slowly if the spouse who did the hurting still has opportunity to see the other person. No matter what – even if you feel responsible for the other guy – you must not have any contact with him at all. Do the right thing.

There is more, but you get the idea. You can read more about forgiveness in my new book Your LovePath. You may also wish to consider asking your husband to come to our turnaround weekend for marriages in trouble. We will do quite a bit to help each of you move ahead and leave the past hurt behind. You can find out more by clicking here.

Q: My husband and I have been married for 15 years.  During that time, he got into Internet porn & body piercings.  He finally let that go 3 years ago, but then I suspect had an emotional affair with a gal at his work.  He vehemently denies this, but she was talked to at work about her actions so others had also noticed.  I have lost so much respect for him during the years, even though he has come a long way spiritually during the last three.  We are in deep trouble.  Neither of us is fulfilling needs. We have 3 children and neither of us believes in divorce. In a nutshell, how do I push the “reset” button on my marriage when I really don’t want to be with this person anymore?

A: Fifteen years of bad stuff certainly builds up tons of hurt, resentment, and anger. In the workshop that I lead for couples in crisis, it isn’t unusual for half or more of the couples present to have been married about fifteen years. Though I don’t have statistics on this, it seems that is a natural “I’ve had enough of this” time frame and one or the other just wants out.

The good news is that your husband has been trying to change for the last three years. Obviously, his emotional connection to another woman indicates that he hasn’t been doing as well at it as one would hope. But if he is trying, and if he wants to save the marriage, there is a way for you to push the reset button.

Let me mention three things that have to happen. I’m sorry that I don’t have space to elaborate on them, but the points are valid. If you wish to know more, you can find it in my book Your LovePath. Or if your marriage is in serious crisis, I strongly urge you to consider coming enrolling in one of the weekend workshops that I lead, called LovePath 911.

1. For any marriage to get better, BOTH parties have to stop doing those things destroying their relationship. If the couple can talk calmly and openly, they can figure out most of these on their own. If they communicate with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or hurt, they likely need the help of a strong workshop or professional counselor to identify the actions that must cease.

2. The only way to get over the past is to learn to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion; it’s a decision. You decide not to take vengeance on the person who hurt you. You decide not to let your life be governed by your hurt. As long as one clings tenaciously to past harm, there is little likelihood of a good future.

3. BOTH parties have to start doing the things to make love grow. That’s what I wrote about in Your LovePath. It’s also the central theme of our weekend turnaround workshop. As said before, if the couple can communicate calmly and maturely, then they likely can figure this out for themselves. If not, it will be very difficult to do without the right help.

The foundation to your question is that you do not want to divorce. Because you do not, then whatever it takes, find/do what needs to be done to turn this marriage around.

Q: My husband tells me all I am good for is sex.  He tells me to that it is my duty as his wife to have sex or to do other sexual things with him whenever he wants it, but he does not respect me.  He makes jokes about me and insults me in front of other people and my children (including things that I have told him during intimate times about our sex life).  I do not feel comfortable having sex with him, being intimate, or even just telling him my feelings for fear that he will bring it up to other people as a joke.  When I have confronted him and asked him please not to do this, he denies it or says that I should hear what the guys at his work say about their wives. We have a lot of other problems as well, which all boil down to his lack of respect of me, but his main complaint is that I don’t give him sex when he wants it.  I have filed for divorce, but am considering going to a marriage retreat for couples in crisis.  I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like when I talk to him he just gets mad and says I don’t do anything he wants me to.(referring to sex)  I have tried and tried to explain to him that my lack of trust for him makes me uncomfortable in intimate situations where my guard is down, but he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He just replies with “I don’t talk about you.” How should I handle this?  I know that sex is an important part of a marriage, but how do I have sex with someone that thinks so little of me to insult me all the time?  I have been in this marriage for 8 yrs.  We got married, because I was pregnant and my husband has never treated me with respect even when we were dating. Should I try to save my marriage even though he always has put me down?

A: If a marriage can be salvaged, it should be salvaged. It’s great that you are willing to go a weekend for marriages in crisis. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I suggest you go to www.MarriageHelper.com and check out the weekend workshop that I personally lead for marriages in crisis.

However, a marriage cannot be good if one person feels disrespected by the other. We all want someone in our lives with whom we can feel safe sharing our secrets, our innermost thoughts, desires, and the like. The ideal is for that to occur in marriage. Yet you write that when you shared your innermost self with your husband, rather than protecting your secrets he broadcast them to others, denying he was doing anything wrong and even seeing humor in doing it. That is a terrible thing for anyone to do to another person, but especially the person you’re married to and supposed to “be there” for. You obviously cannot share any more of your thoughts or ideas with him unless you want the world to hear them. Be wise; don’t open up yourself to him until he learns how to be trustworthy.

As to sex, yes, it is part of the marriage agreement. Check 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and you’ll see that God commanded it. However, what happens when one spouse violates the sanctity of the marriage bond but demands that the other spouse do whatever he wants? Reluctance, then resistance, and finally, refusing altogether. If he wishes you to do your “wifely duties,” then you have every right to demand that he be the leader and first do his “husbandly duties.” Tell him that when you can trust him again to share your innermost self, when he stops ridiculing you in private or public, and when he learns that you must be treated with respect and dignity, he can and will have a wonderful sex life with you. Of course, if you promise that and he does those things, you must do as you promised.

Though there is Biblical command for husband’s and wive’s to fulfill each other sexually, there are also Biblical commands for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Those commands are just as important, if not more so, than any concerning sex. You’re his wife, not his prostitute nor his sex slave. Demand that he treats you as a wife deserves to be treated and if he refuses, make him face the consequences of his behavior by doing whatever you need to do to have a life with dignity.