Q: My husband is addicted to porn and our marriage has been suffering for the last 4 years. We tried counseling about a year and a half ago and just a few months ago he tried going to a coach. He thinks we need to work on our marriage. I don’t believe it will do any good as long as he is not working on the porn addiction, but he won’t listen. Any advice?

A: Why not work on your marriage and his porn problem at the same time?

First, the porn. Find Celebration Recovery in your area and urge your husband to go. You can find the closest meeting by clicking here. Insist that he go. After all, you are in the driver’s seat in this situation. If he doesn’t want to get the help he needs, I suggest you consider making him do so anyway. Addicts don’t do well with their addictions until they have to face the consequences of those addictions. No matter how much you complain, as long as an addict can get away with his addiction, he will. Write a contract telling him what you will do if you find out he is using porn. Sign it and give it to him. If you catch him, you MUST do what you said you would do in the contract and make him face consequences or the contract is useless.

Many couples who attend our LovePath 911 workshop for couples in crisis have at least one spouse with an addiction. This workshop is not designed to deal with addictions, but we have found that addicts who complete the three-day workshop now have the motivation to deal with their addictions.

Our LovePath 911 workshops usually are held in Nashville, Tennessee.

Q: I am a 67 old woman–widowed–I have been dating a 71 year old widower for 2 years—I believe it is wrong to live in a sexual relationship before marriage–no matter what age you are or what your circumstances are–He on the other hand thinks it is okay because we have both been married before–and are older and more mature, and etc.  We have broken up numerous times because of this issue–but really are attracted to each other–I think we love each other–but I am not ready to get married again –at least not right now–is it wrong to keep seeing him -knowing he wants more from me–He keeps pushing me to travel with him and make our relationship more intimate– I am really torn–because I want to be with him–but I want my independence and want to practice my moral values—I do not find this particular issue addressed in many places–could you please give me some advice on how to handle this situation?  Thank you

A: It seems that when one person wishes to do what another person wishes not to do, they can be very creative with their arguments — even if the arguments really don’t address the matter at hand. For example, what difference does it make if you are older or that you have been married before or that you have had sex previously in your life? Do any of those things change your belief system about right and wrong? In short, the man wants you and is finding whatever words he can that might influence you to yield. However, you stated that YOU believe that it’s wrong to be in a sexual relationship outside of marriage no matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. If that is what you believe, then stick to your beliefs.

Integrity is the willingness to surrender everyone and everything for one precious jewel — to know within “I did what was right.”

I wrote the above sentence a couple years ago, had it printed elegantly on special paper, framed it, and gave it to each of my three daughters for Christmas. If they learn nothing else in life from me but that one principle, I did my job well.

So at age 67, why would you want to sacrifice your own integrity by violating your own beliefs? If you are sure that you do not yet wish to be married again, and also firm in your belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then your suitor either has to back off entirely on his wanting you to have sex with him, or you need to send him on his way. Why? Because usually even the strongest person finally will yield if pressed long enough. Decide what is more important to you; his companionship or your inner peace.

Then act accordingly.

Q: My wife caught my son masturbating. She is shocked. What do I tell him? What do I tell her?

A: It’s certainly understandable that a mother would not be happily surprised to walk in on her son and catch him masturbating. Probably shock is the right word for what she would feel. However, as you would imagine, this occurrence is NOT unique, and, therefore, in the general sense not shocking at all. I think we can pretty well assume that parents have caught their children masturbating for as long as their have been parents and children.

The first time your son or daughter “played” their genitalia was at a very young age. Lots of parents have experienced a two or three year old son showing them his first erection and doing so with total innocence. He isn’t ashamed but curious and wants you to tell him what’s happening. Wise parents don’t faint, scream, or perform an exorcism when that happens. It’s just a natural part of life and the kid’s body tried out the equipment. He’ll forget it even happened — unless you traumatize him — and will discover the experience all over again when he is a teen; only this time he won’t show you or tell you about it. It’s just the way we are made.

Similarly, many parents happen upon their daughters at about the same age (2 or 3) rubbing their clitoris. The little girlds aren’t perverts; they just discovered something on their body that felt good when they rubbed it. Soon they’ll forget it’s there and will rediscover it about a decade later. Again, wise parents take it in stride, don’t make a disaster out of the situation, and help their children understand modesty and such without making them feel guilty or that they’ve done something wrong. Nothing evil is taking place. A kid is just being a kid and exploring thier body.

That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be unconcerned if your six year old orders dirty movies from the cable company, or if your seven year old daughter is masturbating and has an interest in sex far beyond what is typical for her age. When a child is a couple years old, it’s exploration. When s/he gets older, it truly is sexual and typically that doesn’t happen until about the teen years. If it happens earlier, it is definitely worth looking into with a counselor/therapist who is trained especially to work with children. Grammar school kids unusually interested  in sex, or caught doing sexual things (with self or others) need to be gently and carefully examined and evaluated. There is a likelihood that someone older has been teaching the child what children shouldn’t be taught.

To answer your question, I assume that the boy caught by his Mom is a teenager and not a first grader. That changes the picture. Teens sometimes masturbate. Boy teens and girl teens. Hormones are flooding through their bodies that they don’t understand. Hair is growing where hair didn’t use to be. Voices change and bodies begin doing things they didn’t do before (such as the onset of menses). The yucky boy or girl down the street isn’t so repulsive anymore. Running from cooties evolves into running after cuties. Somewhere in this change, a boy or girl likely will discover that a certain part of their bodies swells and has interesting sensations when they think of sexual things. Most will masturbate to enjoy the sensation and to gain the tension release that comes with completion.

Does that make it right? Not necessarily, but it does make it natural.

There are some who think the story of Onan in the Old Testament (Genesis 38) is a clear example of God’s condemning masturbation. Actually, in context it is a clear example of God’s reaction to a man who was given a specific duty (impregnate his dead brother’s wife so that the deceased brother would have an heir) and then didn’t do as commanded. He turned it into an event for his own sexual gratification rather than to give his brother an heir. I don’t see any reference to masturbation there. Actually, there is no reference to masturbation anywhere in the Bible that I can find. So when you ask what God thinks about masturbation, you have to rely on Biblical principles rather than a specific Biblical statement.

We know that a married person is told not to lust after someone other than his/her spouse. Jesus called that adultery in the book of Matthew. One of my friends said he knows that masturbation is wrong because you cannot do it without lusting for someone you are not married to. I asked if it would be okay for a married man to lust after his own wife and masturbate while on a business trip. He didn’t know how to answer that question. From my viewpoint, masturbation isn’t wrong unless it is focused on a person you don’t have a right to. A married couple, for example, could masturbate together and there would be no sin.

So how does this relate to a teenage boy caught by his Mom?

In my opinion, Dad or Mom or both sit down with the boy and go over all the information about the “birds and the bees.” Talk openly with your son about sex and what it is intended to do both in terms of procreation and as an expression of love and commitment. Help him understand that if he focuses on some specific girl — either one he knows or has seen in a magazine, online, or whatever — he is lusting after someone he has not right to. IF he can masturbate and concentrate on the physical sensation rather than sex with a person he shouldn’t be having sex with, I see that as natural and not sinful. I’m not suggesting that you encourage him to masturbate. There is pretty good evidence that if a person masturbates a great deal, it will negatively affect a fulfulling sexual relationship with a spouse. If he wants to have great sex with his wife to be, whoever she may be, he should not “mess up the wiring” by excessive masturbation now or ever. Of course, then there needs to be a discussion of how NOT to shock Mom or anyone else in the future by ensuring privacy.

Finally, I would talk with him about porn and how that if he uses it, especially with masturbation, he will set himself up for expectations in marriage that no woman will ever fulfill. Not even a porn actress. Those actresses don’t crave sex every minute of every day and they are not willing to do anything anywhere. They do it on screen for a reward, usually money, and then they walk out the door being an everyday person with a real life just like the rest of us, and real life isn’t nonstop sex. If he wishes to set up expectations that will never come to be in his life, he will never be happy. Every decision and every action has both short-term and long-term consequences.

In summary: Don’t panic. Don’t make your son feel like some sort of pervert. Teach him and help him learn how to make good decisions. Whatever you do, don’t ruin his future by making normal sexual desire into something of Satan.

Q: I gave birth 3 weeks ago and my husband and I would like keep our sex life going while we’re waiting for the 6 week “all clear.”  Do you have any tips on oral sex or could you point me to a non-sleazy source for this info?

A: Instructions for how to do oral sex abound on the Internet, but as you wisely surmised, much of it is on sites that most Christians (or even just conservative people) would call sleazy. I’ll give a short course at the end of this blog. (Really short, but I think helpful.)

Some conservatives have indicated their displeasure with me when I say that oral sex is not condemned in Scripture. Our friends who believe that any male orgasm must always carry the possibility of insemination obviously must believe that oral sex is wrong. If a man were to ejaculate (or even possibly ejaculate) anywhere but in the vagina, that would be wrong in their view. Of course, that rules out masturbation, oral sex, and the like because ejaculation may take place other than when the penis is inserted into the vagina.

Most of the animal kingdom have sex only when the female is in heat. Some, such as humans, dolphins, and some primates such as Bonobos, actually have sex whenever they wish, not just when the female is fertile and seeking impregnation. Sex for them is not just for procreation but accomplishes other things as well — enjoyment and fun (yep, animals do some things just for the fun of it; read here), closeness, stress reduction, health benefits, and the like.

If you read this passage in context in the Song of Songs, it appears to me that she is inviting Solomon to perform oral sex on her. See Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) chapter 4, verse 16. I’ve written more extensively about that passage in my book Becoming ONE, if you are interested.

Now, how does one do it for the best enjoyment and fulfillment?

Simple.

Play. Experiment. Guide each other on what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy and/or inhibited. Neither the secretions of the male or female are harmful, unless the person is already sick with something that you would have already gotten from intercourse. The key is to take your time, guide each other, take turns, and develop your own methodology which is the most fulfilling.

If you wish to know more about which parts of the anatomy are most sensitive on the male (which parts of the penis), or the female, ask and I will answer.

Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?

A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.

As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….

You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.

Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?

A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.

First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.

Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.

So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.

In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.

Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.

If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.