Q: I was at a birthday celebration dinner for a friend recently with a small group of married women. One of the women brought a “girl’s night out” game, a deck of cards with a variety of questions (many about sex). One of the cards had us each rank our sex lives. I have a healthy and happy sexual relationship, and my closest friends know it. Although I ranked myself a 9.0, one of the women ranked me a 10.5! Sadly, though, most of the women only ranked themselves a 5….My question is, how do you suggest I approach this issue with these women? They are all Christians, and I would love to have some material (a website, a book, etc.) that I can refer them to. I’m not sure how to get them interested, but I’m confident that they would respond positively if I could direct them to the right material(s).

A: Unfortunately, your score is the one that would be unusual while your friends’ scores would more likely represent the general population. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is an outstanding sex expert, researcher, and writer. Recently he wrote me, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” In short, sex ain’t always great…

However, there are ways to increase sexual pleasure and fulfillment as long as both partners have positive, realistic expectations. Kudos to you for wishing to help your friends with that. There are several books available that guide couples through processes to enhance their sex lives. Forgive the commercial, but some universities use my book Becoming One in this area. The book has three sections, becoming one emotionally, becoming one sexually, and becoming one spiritually. In my estimation, a married couple cannot work on just one of those areas, but must work on all three to make their relationship and sex lives better. I also recommend unreservedly any relationship and/or sex books by Les and Leslie Parrott. You can find them on Amazon as well as other book sites.

You may wish to refer your friends to the Christian Nymphos web site. (Yes, I’m serious. The site exists and is written by Christian women to help each other have better sex lives with their husbands. Tell ‘em Joe sent you.)

Also, help your friends think about these matters:

• Women who are fatigued have difficulty getting aroused.
• Anyone overweight, man or woman, will have associated sexual problems.
• When working on better sex lives, most people need to start with the other dimensions of their relationship.
• Toys can help. So can variety.
• There are ways to overcome sexual inhibitions while still adhering to one’s beliefs and values. (I have a “sexual experimentation scale” that I’m testing with couples right now. Email me at ask@JoeBeam.com if you would like to be part of my testing of this profile.)

The four areas that sex therapists often work with are Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, Satisfaction.

• If a person has limited or no desire but can become physiologically, emotionally, and psychologically aroused so that s/he can enjoy sex and be orgasmic, then she will do well to have sex regularly without waiting for desire to be strong.
• If arousal or orgasm rarely or never occurs, then explore whether the situation is situational (this person, this place, this time, etc.) or global (she would still have these problems even if she were married to a hunk and life was absolutely wonderful).
• If satisfaction relies on impossible expectations or fantasies, sex will never be what she wants it to be.

Better yet, ask them to join me at http://www.marriagehelper.com/marriage_forums in the section about sex and we’ll interact about any and all questions, thoughts, problems, etc. I’m happy to discuss these matters directly and help in any way that I can.

Q: My wife and I are having serious difficulties. She told me she wanted a divorce but now she is willing to give us some time to see if we can work things out. However, she doesn’t want me to touch her, much less try to make love to her as we work through this. I love her very much and want her to love me. How do I not touch her or want her as we work through this?

A: This is a very difficult question.

On the one hand, I understand the wife’s emotional boundary that precludes her from wanting any physical contact with her husband as they try to solve their problems.

On the other hand, I know that in I Corinthians 7: 2-5 God said, “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (New International Version)

Rather than writing my own explanation of that verse, I’ll just quote the same verses from The Message. “It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ’stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.”

So, what is the husband to do? We know that if he forces himself on his wife, she will resent it and feel that she is being raped. If he forces himself on her, it actually is rape. However, the obligation placed on her if she is a child of God is that she is to be fulfilling him sexually as he is to fulfill her in the same way. I realize that an argument could be made that if he were fulfilling her in other aspects of marriage, she would want to make love to him. Yet, that isn’t mentioned in that verse. As my friend Bill Harley discovered a few years ago, when one partner starts fulfilling an important emotional need within the other, typically reciprocity takes place and each gets what they need. In short, by making love to him willingly, she increases the likelihood that he will do the things she wants in this marriage.

Why should she be the first one to do for the other? My response to all couples is that the one who is the most mature should make the first move. I believe that. Yet, there is also a level of need that should be considered. By nature, a man needs orgasm — just as by nature a woman needs orgasm — for many reasons ranging from relief of stress to decreasing likelihood of certain diseases. (Not making that up; it’s a medical fact.) The ideal would be that she is the most mature and that she fulfills his sexual need even before he starts fulfilling her most important emotional needs in marriage. However, if she cannot or will not, then I don’t know what will work in this matter unless he can survive as long as it requires for her to feel differently about him.

In the passage above, notice that even God recognizes that he may not. He says that a couple should not go without sexual fulfillment because they become more susceptible to temptation. I’m not saying that her refusal would justify adultery on his part, but I am saying that if he commits adultery, that passage indicates that she shares part of the blame.

I’d love to hear your comments.

Q: My husband is addicted to porn and our marriage has been suffering for the last 4 years. We tried counseling about a year and a half ago and just a few months ago he tried going to a coach. He thinks we need to work on our marriage. I don’t believe it will do any good as long as he is not working on the porn addiction, but he won’t listen. Any advice?

A: Why not work on your marriage and his porn problem at the same time?

First, the porn. Find Celebration Recovery in your area and urge your husband to go. You can find the closest meeting by clicking here. Insist that he go. After all, you are in the driver’s seat in this situation. If he doesn’t want to get the help he needs, I suggest you consider making him do so anyway. Addicts don’t do well with their addictions until they have to face the consequences of those addictions. No matter how much you complain, as long as an addict can get away with his addiction, he will. Write a contract telling him what you will do if you find out he is using porn. Sign it and give it to him. If you catch him, you MUST do what you said you would do in the contract and make him face consequences or the contract is useless.

Many couples who attend our LovePath 911 workshop for couples in crisis have at least one spouse with an addiction. This workshop is not designed to deal with addictions, but we have found that addicts who complete the three-day workshop now have the motivation to deal with their addictions.

Our LovePath 911 workshops usually are held in Nashville, Tennessee.

Q: I am a 67 old woman–widowed–I have been dating a 71 year old widower for 2 years—I believe it is wrong to live in a sexual relationship before marriage–no matter what age you are or what your circumstances are–He on the other hand thinks it is okay because we have both been married before–and are older and more mature, and etc.  We have broken up numerous times because of this issue–but really are attracted to each other–I think we love each other–but I am not ready to get married again –at least not right now–is it wrong to keep seeing him -knowing he wants more from me–He keeps pushing me to travel with him and make our relationship more intimate– I am really torn–because I want to be with him–but I want my independence and want to practice my moral values—I do not find this particular issue addressed in many places–could you please give me some advice on how to handle this situation?  Thank you

A: It seems that when one person wishes to do what another person wishes not to do, they can be very creative with their arguments — even if the arguments really don’t address the matter at hand. For example, what difference does it make if you are older or that you have been married before or that you have had sex previously in your life? Do any of those things change your belief system about right and wrong? In short, the man wants you and is finding whatever words he can that might influence you to yield. However, you stated that YOU believe that it’s wrong to be in a sexual relationship outside of marriage no matter how old you are or what your circumstances are. If that is what you believe, then stick to your beliefs.

Integrity is the willingness to surrender everyone and everything for one precious jewel — to know within “I did what was right.”

I wrote the above sentence a couple years ago, had it printed elegantly on special paper, framed it, and gave it to each of my three daughters for Christmas. If they learn nothing else in life from me but that one principle, I did my job well.

So at age 67, why would you want to sacrifice your own integrity by violating your own beliefs? If you are sure that you do not yet wish to be married again, and also firm in your belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then your suitor either has to back off entirely on his wanting you to have sex with him, or you need to send him on his way. Why? Because usually even the strongest person finally will yield if pressed long enough. Decide what is more important to you; his companionship or your inner peace.

Then act accordingly.

Q: Last night my husband told me that we haven’t had foreplay since we have been married.  I am stunned by this, but not completely in that I know I can’t live up to his Internet porn fantasies.  I’m married to an admitted sexual addict. What do I do?

A: Being married to an admitted sexual addict is tough, especially when you feel that he is comparing your lovemaking actions with those of people in porn.

You are so right when you say that you cannot live up to his “Internet porn fantasies.” No one can. I’m pretty sure that if he were married to a “porn star” she couldn’t live up to them either. Unless a person has an addiction, an emotional problem, sexual dysfunction, or mood disorder, she doesn’t have sex all day long every day, yet in a porn movie she (or he) has sex with a new partner doing new things every time the scene changes. It makes it appear that these actors will do anything with anyone at anytime and anywhere. However, because they are actual human beings, that isn’t the case. They perform for the camera, collect their checks, and go home. As they get older, they typically get out of porn — at least the acting part — and move on to something else.

So, yes, it is a fantasy for everyone involved. I once asked a stripper that I was trying to help how it felt to have such power over men. She replied that it is all a fantasy based on financial transactions. That pretty well sums it up. Porn actors have frenetic sex on camera whenever they get a paying role. “High class” call girls sometimes pretend to be girlfriends as well as sexual partners if the client is wealthy enough to afford her service. It’s not about sex; it’s about money. One person pays another to play a role and if the pay is good enough, they play it enthusiastically. But it’s acting, not relating, caring, or loving.

Are some of these folks in the adult industry (or amateurs on the Internet) suffering from addictions, emotional problems, sexual dysfunctions (such as hyperactive sexual drive disorder), or mood disorders? Sure. These folks will have sex on camera (or whatever) without necessarily being paid, but whoever lives with them has a miserable life interacting with a person with such problems. They don’t need more sex; they need professional help to learn to love themselves in the right way. If your husband were married to one of them, they would at first feed their sexual addictions and then generally destroy each other emotionally.

I wrote all that to affirm what you already know in your mind, but I hope to make sure you know it in your heart: You are not the problem and you should NOT try to be what he wants you to be in terms of these fantasies. Being a good lover is important in a marriage, but fulfilling sexual obsessions can hurt more than it helps.

I suggest that you demand that he find a local group of Sexaholics Anonymous and attend regularly. Our seminar for troubled marriages can be extremely helpful as well.

Q: I am a Christian and my husband claimed to be one and attended church when we met. We’ve been married one and it’s been a war, not a marriage. All his life he was attracted to and lusted after pretty women with long hair. Of course, he kept this hidden from me. A friend of his told him before we met that he went after women like a shark. He’s admitted his thirst for women. He wouldn’t miss looking for them. While driving he’d watch in the rear view mirror and if they’d pass us, he’d turn his head a full turn to watch them go by. In restaurants he’d keep looking at them. Driving by he’d turn his head looking if they were on the sidewalks. In church. We tried a couple of churches and he’d pick out a pretty women sitting alone. He’d keep looking at them. Staring, really. During tv commercials he could be reading the paper. If he’d hear a female voice, he’d put the paper down long enough to check them out. If they were pretty, he’d watch the commercial. If they weren’t pretty, he’d continue reading the paper.  Most of our married life this habit persisted. We had screaming battles to put it mildly. He claims it’s out of him now. I can’t know because he claimed that repeatedly in the past and wasn’t over it yet. But even if he is, the damage is done in me. He has destroyed several things in me. I can longer trust him. When we’re apart, or even if he’s just outside I’m wondering how many women he’s staring at. That’s what he did. And right in front of me. Stare and stare at these women. Every time I see a pretty woman I now feel so ugly. And, compared to the women he stared at, I am ugly. I don’t feel I have any respect left for him. He claims to love me. He didn’t know what true love is. He’s been married 5 times and been through an unbelievable amount of women. He should consider the problem could be him. But he doesn’t want to hear that. And he won’t talk. He’ll scream for a moment and then storm off. I tell him I need to talk. He won’t. He almost acts like he can’t. I don’t believe this marriage will last. He treats me fine when we’re not fighting, but, we’re usually fighting. We fight almost daily. It’s ridiculous. I’ve prayed over and over about it and given it to God. I know, according to the Bible, he’s committed heart adultery over and over. He claims to be sorry. He claimed that over and over and would yet persist in his addiction to women. I don’t know if I have any more love left for him. If so, not much.  I tried and tried to get him to agree for us to get help. He never would. I don’t know whether  to tell him to leave or not. It is my home. I don’t feel there is any hope. Does God expect me to live like this indefinitely?

A: You are right, of course, that in Matthew 5:28 Jesus said, ^“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” However, as I began reading your email, I confess that I found myself wondering if he were as bad as you say or if your own insecurity might exacerbate your concern. I also confess that by the time I got to the end, I came to believe that he does have a problem.

If I understand correctly, at least the good news is that he is not physically active with any of these women. Not saying that makes it right; just that it would be even worse if he were. I understand that his continual staring at other women makes you feel “ugly.” It seems to me that women regularly compare themselves with other women and in their minds often come off as second. His actions hurt and you have every right to be hurt by them.

When you say that after five marriages it should occur to him that he may be the problem. I don’t mean to be offensive, but I wonder why you didn’t think the same thing before marrying him — that he has a problem. The old adage is that women marry men thinking they will change and men marry women thinking that they will never change. He was what he was; he is what he is. If he changes, it will be through what is called “a significant emotional event.” The good news is that those can happen. The bad news is that the often they don’t.

Do you have a right to leave a man who continues in sin though he continues to say that he won’t do it again? Forgiving a person who repeatedly sins and asks forgiveness is Biblical. (Matthew 18:21-22) Living with that person is another thing altogether. We can forgive and love the person but we do not have to tolerate his/her continued misbehavior. In my opinion, the Matthew passage you cited gives you right to divorce him. BUT WAIT! (Always wanted to say that…) Before you do, there is more to try.

I strongly suggest you check out our workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911.

Q: If your husband has been in a horrible mood ALL day and snaps at everything you do or say…and then suddenly when the lights go out he decides it’s time for “2 minutes in Heaven” (lyric from a song) … Am I obligated to go through with it even though I am still hurt and aggravated by the way he has been all day?  I can’t turn off the day to have sex.  I know it’s a different story for men…It even makes me a little mad too because he is suddenly being sweet to me just because he’s wanting “some”…not because he wants to apologize for his behavior earlier. It is SO obvious!!!!!!

A: In some ways men and women are different when it comes to sex. For example, we know that one of the major inhibitors of a woman’s arousal is fatigue. If she’s exhausted it’s difficult for her mind, emotions, and body to gear up for a sexual experience.

A man can get aroused physically without being aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. So can women. However there is strong research that, unlike a man, a woman has no awareness of her sexual arousal if she is not also aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. In other words, she could have the indications of physical arousal (vaginal swelling, lubrication, so forth) but does not think she is aroused nor will she acknowledge that she is aroused if it is not also in her mind and heart.

However, I’m not so sure that men and women are much different when it comes to reacting to the negative moods of the other mate. We know that if a man is focused on sex, he can have sex and come to orgasm even if he doesn’t like the woman he is. So can women, if they so choose. But in marriage if either is “turned off” by the behavior of the other, the man is as likely as the woman to avoid a sexual encounter.

This is a general principle, and your husband may be the exception. More than likely, he isn’t. My guess is that he has no real understanding of how his behavior affects you and writes off your reactions as trivial and easy to get over. That’s likely why he can move into gentleness and sexuality so quickly.

The best course, in my opinion (not professional advice, just Joe’s opinion) is to let him know just how badly you are hurt by his behavior and tell him that until he understands the realities of a loving relationship he shouldn’t count on lovemaking. If you do it in an attacking way, I predict bad times will result. If you do it from your heart, not spouting anger, but allowing your hurt to surface so that he can see and feel your pain (not your anger), you may be on the road to changing your relationship completely.

This is not to say that an occasional bad day means that a couple should go into deep discussion and avoid sex. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and everyone just needs to move on. On those occasions, having sex with him is good. It’s repeated negative behavior that hurts your heart, mind, and soul that shouldn’t be ignored but dealt with.

Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?

A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.

First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.

Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.

So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.

In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.

Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.

If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.

Q: When having sex with someone, what makes you fall in love with them? Is it possible to have sex without feelings?

A: If you think that a person will fall in love with you because s/he had sex with you, or if you think that because that person is having sex with you, s/he must feel something for you, then you won’t like my answer.

There are any number of reasons that a human being might wish to have sex. Make children. Boost ego. Reduce stress. Feel close. Prove virility. Feel attractive. Relieve boredom. Add a conquest. Have fun. Feel wanted. Exert power. Make money. Payback. Easy opportunity. The list could go on and on. Did you notice that very few, if any, of those motivations is connected to true love?

Biologically we are made to be sexual beings. A man or woman can have as many sexual partners as s/he can seduce and have no emotional or spiritual connection with any of them. Sex in and of itself does not cause one to fall in love and can, in fact, elicit a negative emotion that is anything but love. That negative feeling may range from fear to shame to hatred. The Old Testament tells the story of Amnon and how he convinced himself that he was intensely in love with his half sister Tamar. He tricked her into his house and raped her. Notice what the Bible says he felt for her after he had sex with her. “Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. ‘Get out of here!’ he snarled at her.” (2 Samuel 13:15)

While it is possible to fall in love with a person that you are sleeping with, it does not mean that s/he will reciprocally fall in love with you. Actually, sleeping with a person before you marry often carries negative consequences into the marriage. I’ll write more on that if anyone is interested.