Q: My wife and I are having serious difficulties. She told me she wanted a divorce but now she is willing to give us some time to see if we can work things out. However, she doesn’t want me to touch her, much less try to make love to her as we work through this. I love her very much and want her to love me. How do I not touch her or want her as we work through this?

A: This is a very difficult question.

On the one hand, I understand the wife’s emotional boundary that precludes her from wanting any physical contact with her husband as they try to solve their problems.

On the other hand, I know that in I Corinthians 7: 2-5 God said, “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (New International Version)

Rather than writing my own explanation of that verse, I’ll just quote the same verses from The Message. “It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ’stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.”

So, what is the husband to do? We know that if he forces himself on his wife, she will resent it and feel that she is being raped. If he forces himself on her, it actually is rape. However, the obligation placed on her if she is a child of God is that she is to be fulfilling him sexually as he is to fulfill her in the same way. I realize that an argument could be made that if he were fulfilling her in other aspects of marriage, she would want to make love to him. Yet, that isn’t mentioned in that verse. As my friend Bill Harley discovered a few years ago, when one partner starts fulfilling an important emotional need within the other, typically reciprocity takes place and each gets what they need. In short, by making love to him willingly, she increases the likelihood that he will do the things she wants in this marriage.

Why should she be the first one to do for the other? My response to all couples is that the one who is the most mature should make the first move. I believe that. Yet, there is also a level of need that should be considered. By nature, a man needs orgasm — just as by nature a woman needs orgasm — for many reasons ranging from relief of stress to decreasing likelihood of certain diseases. (Not making that up; it’s a medical fact.) The ideal would be that she is the most mature and that she fulfills his sexual need even before he starts fulfilling her most important emotional needs in marriage. However, if she cannot or will not, then I don’t know what will work in this matter unless he can survive as long as it requires for her to feel differently about him.

In the passage above, notice that even God recognizes that he may not. He says that a couple should not go without sexual fulfillment because they become more susceptible to temptation. I’m not saying that her refusal would justify adultery on his part, but I am saying that if he commits adultery, that passage indicates that she shares part of the blame.

I’d love to hear your comments.

Q: Last night my husband told me that we haven’t had foreplay since we have been married.  I am stunned by this, but not completely in that I know I can’t live up to his Internet porn fantasies.  I’m married to an admitted sexual addict. What do I do?

A: Being married to an admitted sexual addict is tough, especially when you feel that he is comparing your lovemaking actions with those of people in porn.

You are so right when you say that you cannot live up to his “Internet porn fantasies.” No one can. I’m pretty sure that if he were married to a “porn star” she couldn’t live up to them either. Unless a person has an addiction, an emotional problem, sexual dysfunction, or mood disorder, she doesn’t have sex all day long every day, yet in a porn movie she (or he) has sex with a new partner doing new things every time the scene changes. It makes it appear that these actors will do anything with anyone at anytime and anywhere. However, because they are actual human beings, that isn’t the case. They perform for the camera, collect their checks, and go home. As they get older, they typically get out of porn — at least the acting part — and move on to something else.

So, yes, it is a fantasy for everyone involved. I once asked a stripper that I was trying to help how it felt to have such power over men. She replied that it is all a fantasy based on financial transactions. That pretty well sums it up. Porn actors have frenetic sex on camera whenever they get a paying role. “High class” call girls sometimes pretend to be girlfriends as well as sexual partners if the client is wealthy enough to afford her service. It’s not about sex; it’s about money. One person pays another to play a role and if the pay is good enough, they play it enthusiastically. But it’s acting, not relating, caring, or loving.

Are some of these folks in the adult industry (or amateurs on the Internet) suffering from addictions, emotional problems, sexual dysfunctions (such as hyperactive sexual drive disorder), or mood disorders? Sure. These folks will have sex on camera (or whatever) without necessarily being paid, but whoever lives with them has a miserable life interacting with a person with such problems. They don’t need more sex; they need professional help to learn to love themselves in the right way. If your husband were married to one of them, they would at first feed their sexual addictions and then generally destroy each other emotionally.

I wrote all that to affirm what you already know in your mind, but I hope to make sure you know it in your heart: You are not the problem and you should NOT try to be what he wants you to be in terms of these fantasies. Being a good lover is important in a marriage, but fulfilling sexual obsessions can hurt more than it helps.

I suggest that you demand that he find a local group of Sexaholics Anonymous and attend regularly. Our seminar for troubled marriages can be extremely helpful as well.