Q: I gave birth 3 weeks ago and my husband and I would like keep our sex life going while we’re waiting for the 6 week “all clear.”  Do you have any tips on oral sex or could you point me to a non-sleazy source for this info?

A: Instructions for how to do oral sex abound on the Internet, but as you wisely surmised, much of it is on sites that most Christians (or even just conservative people) would call sleazy. I’ll give a short course at the end of this blog. (Really short, but I think helpful.)

Some conservatives have indicated their displeasure with me when I say that oral sex is not condemned in Scripture. Our friends who believe that any male orgasm must always carry the possibility of insemination obviously must believe that oral sex is wrong. If a man were to ejaculate (or even possibly ejaculate) anywhere but in the vagina, that would be wrong in their view. Of course, that rules out masturbation, oral sex, and the like because ejaculation may take place other than when the penis is inserted into the vagina.

Most of the animal kingdom have sex only when the female is in heat. Some, such as humans, dolphins, and some primates such as Bonobos, actually have sex whenever they wish, not just when the female is fertile and seeking impregnation. Sex for them is not just for procreation but accomplishes other things as well — enjoyment and fun (yep, animals do some things just for the fun of it; read here), closeness, stress reduction, health benefits, and the like.

If you read this passage in context in the Song of Songs, it appears to me that she is inviting Solomon to perform oral sex on her. See Song of Solomon (sometimes called Song of Songs) chapter 4, verse 16. I’ve written more extensively about that passage in my book Becoming ONE, if you are interested.

Now, how does one do it for the best enjoyment and fulfillment?

Simple.

Play. Experiment. Guide each other on what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy and/or inhibited. Neither the secretions of the male or female are harmful, unless the person is already sick with something that you would have already gotten from intercourse. The key is to take your time, guide each other, take turns, and develop your own methodology which is the most fulfilling.

If you wish to know more about which parts of the anatomy are most sensitive on the male (which parts of the penis), or the female, ask and I will answer.

Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?

A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.

As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….

You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.