Q: Hello Joe, I have a very important question….because its everywhere, more then I ever imagined. That does not make it right. It’s consensual sex with husband & wife with others, commonly know as swingers. If a married couple seems like the fire has been turned to a pilot waiting to be lit,what’s wrong with a little soft or so swinging as long as no one gets hurt physically or emotionally, and it enhances the married couple’s sex life after the fact in the privacy of their own bedroom…and it’s not a whole (lifestyle), it’s a jump in and get out just to enjoy the nature that was given to us. Is it better than to deceive your spouse and commit adultery? IMPORTANT: answer needed. PLEASE!!

A: Though I, as always, withheld your identity, I think it helpful to our readers to know this question is from a wife. As you say, this happens more than most people imagine. Recently I corresponded about this with my friend Brian Alexander who writes the Sexploration column for MSNBC. We discussed the varying reports of how many American married couples participate in “the alternative lifestyle” that used to be called swinging, and before that wife-swapping. There is no clear answer because much of the so-called research fails miserably in meeting scientifically acceptable research standards and procedures. The more reliable research has been done by actual scholars rather than people with an agenda. A quick scan of scholarly articles indicates that somewhere between 1.7% and 4% of the married couples in the USA have, or are participating in some form of consensual sex with others.  That’s quite a number of couples. According to the US census, there were 54.5 million married couples in the USA in the year 2000. Using that number, 1.7% would be a little shy of a million couples, and 4 % would be over two million couples. Either way, that’s a LOT of couples.

However, as you stated, “that does not make it right.”

My friend Brian at MSNBC has a different world view than mine. He’s an agnostic and I’m a Christian. (Yes, we really are friends. I like the guy a lot.) Yet when Brian wrote an article about swinging, he penned, “…swinging can be a minefield of jealousy and I shouldn’t have to remind you that we are living in the age of AIDS, herpes and a stew of other sexually transmitted diseases. Indeed, swinging often sounds more fun than it is. Ads for swing clubs often depict extremely sexy women and handsome men, but try going to a nude beach someday. Take a look around. Those are the types of bodies you are most likely to encounter at a swing party. Personals advertising swinging couples often beg for single men to stay away because many more men are interested in swinging than women. Remember, sometimes the fantasy of something is better than the reality.”

I don’t hang out at nude beaches, but I see the folks walking by me on the streets and get his point about that. However, it seems you have a particular couple in mind, and if that is the case you likely see them as attractive. I wondered if that is why you went on to list your reasons that would lead you to think it okay. Your points were:

1. It would turn on your “pilot light” and make sex better for your husband and you.

2. You would only do it briefly and not actually go into that lifestyle.

3. It would be better to do this than commit adultery.

Let me respond to those in order…

1. If you and your husband consensually involve yourselves in sex with other couples, or having sex in the same room as another couple (soft swinging), that could, indeed, rev up the passion of the sex act. Admittedly, over time a couple has sex less often and, as anyone that has been married for a while can attest, it can get boring. My friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, is one of the leading sex experts, researchers, and wrters in America. He wrote me recently, “Emphasize the crucial importance of positive, realistic sexual expectations: The most important being that less than 50% of sexual encounters among happily married, sexually functional couples have outcomes that are mutually satisfying, and 5-15% of sexual encounters in marriage are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.” His point is that a natural part of life is that sex isn’t always going to be great, exciting, and all that kind of thing. That’s why the most important thing in a marriage isn’t sex, but the bonding between husband and wife that develops a deep, loving, life-long commitment. There are many ways to spice up a sex life in marriage without involving other people, but no matter what you do — even swinging — sex in and of itself isn’t going to be what you apparently think it is going to be.

2. As to the “get in and get out” and be excited by the memories of the brief excursion, you know that isn’t realistic. If you found it exciting, you would repeat it. If you found it repulsive, you would develop very negative feelings toward your husband for being involved in it. Remember the commercial about no one being able to eat just one potato chip? Telling yourself it would be brief and not a lifestyle is a well-used and very effective form of self delusion. If you enjoyed it physically, the reality is that eventually you would have to have it to become sexually aroused and never again would your husband alone be enough for you. Remember what Brian wrote above about “minefield of jealousy”? We have worked with the couples that started into swinging and eventually; 1) one of them fell in love with another sex partner, 2) one of them (usually the wife, but not always) started comparing themselves to the other sex partners and felt ugly, unexciting, etc., 3) sex became more important than relationship and they became strangers living in the same house. In short, this line of thinking just isn’t valid.

3. Having sex with another couple is adultery. The fact that it is consensual doesn’t mean that you aren’t violating your marriage covenant. That’s what adultery is; violation of the marriage covenant. That’s why lusting after someone you are not married to is already committing adultery. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). As to our “nature that was given to us” you referred to, Jesus went on immediately to say, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” In short, He said that if our flesh leads us to violate what should be holy, we’d be much better off to get rid of the flesh than the face the spiritual consequences.

Paul visits the theme of walking by the flesh or walking by the Spirit several times in his writings. For example, start at Galatians 5:19 and read the next several verses. Look up the definitions of the words used to describe the works of the flesh. The alternative lifestyle, swinging, wife-swapping, or whatever you wish to call it falls squarely within the description of walking by the flesh.

Could you avoid the flesh if you just have sex in the same room as another couple and not actually touch them? Think about it. It’s flesh, not Spirit. Sex is a bond between a man and a woman. It is not to be polluted, diluted, or intruded upon by involving any other person. Ever.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

Q: In reference to your answer concerning the woman who never knew when her husband was going to get mad, what usually happens to the husband after the wife moves on due to the fact he would not take responsibility for his actions and continued his ways of verbal and mental abuse.

A: Typically they make life as miserable as they can for the wife that left them. Usually the children, too, if there are any.

Spouses such as the one described in the post to which you refer are people who very much want to control every person close to them, and become furious when they cannot. If the controlled spouse finally has enough of the anger, belittling, and disrespect, they will leave if they believe they can do so without being harmed. However, if they have enough fear, they may stay for years, maybe a lifetime, because they lack the emotional strength to face the potential consequences. Some finally gain the courage to leave despite their fears. Others seek help from abuse centers in their local community or nearby cities. When they leave it is not uncomm0n for the abandoned spouse to increase his/her efforts to control by trying to stop them from leaving, or manipulating them to come back. Their behavior and actions may range from being charming, penitent, and seemingly broken to being angry, demanding, and dangerous.

Am I implying that the controlling spouse cannot change? He or she usually can change, though all to often they choose not to. For the change to be real, professional help nearly always is required to do one or more of the following:

1. Help the angry, controlling spouse overcome his/her anger and need to control

2. Create for both mates different marriage expectations and boundaries than previously existed

3. Help the controlled spouse deal with self-esteem and personal boundaries, while at the same time helping him/her to recognize personal flaws or failings. (This almost always requires a professional help. The person needs to learn how to stand up for self without becoming arrogant, self-righteous, or vengeful in the process.)

4. Create a system and pathway for resolution if the previous angry, controlling behavior returns, or if any other significant marriage problem develops. This, of course, may involve the intervention of others.

There is more, but this gives the idea. If both spouses adapt to this new way of interacting, the marriage may actually be saved.

If the marriage isn’t saved but the controlling spouse goes on to procures the help to learn how to overcome their anger and need to control, they may actually have a good marriage with a new person down the road.

On the other hand, if the controlling spouse continues in his/her angry ways, and the controlled spouse refuses to succumb to that control, after a while the controlling spouse typically will move on to another person but with the same pattern. If they find another who will react positively to them, they will establish a new relationship — perhaps even marry — but unless something very unusual occurs, they will soon be controlling the new partner as they did the one before. That pattern will continue throughout their lives until they find someone willing to live like that, (or too afraid to leave), and then they will continue controlling that person until death. It’s possible they may moderate some as they age, but it is just as likely, if not more so, that the older they get the meaner they become. Folks such as this usually don’t die well, and more people are thankful for their death than those who mourn it.

To summarize, there are three possible outcomes. The first is that they both get the help they need, save the marriage, and have a good life together. The second is that the controlling spouse goes ahead to get the needed help, even though the controlled spouse refuses to come back. In that case, they may have a good marriage with someone new. The third is that the controlling spouse continues their current course of behavior for a lifetime, and may God be with whomever they are in relationship with.

Q: It seems like every day I am living my life on the edge, never knowing when my husband is going to get mad about something.  It seems like I can’t make him happy no matter what I do and when he talks down to me it makes me feel like crap.  Especially when he gets really mad (about absolutely nothing…seriously it comes out of nowhere.)  He has threatened me many times, saying, “If you ever cheat on me, you will end up in pieces in some river!”  or “If you ever take my child away from me….”  He has tried to choke me. One night he hit me and I told him to let me out of the car and I walked home in the dark that night, scared out of my mind.  After all this happens, he acts like everything is okay, like I shouldn’t be mad. Before we were married, he used to be so sweet, opening doors for me, holding me close, and I could see in his eyes that he loved me.  It really makes me sad because that is the person I fell in love with and now, I don’t know who he is.  I have never felt so low about myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.

How much am I supposed to take? 

Lately I have been having dreams about other guys (that I don’t know) that show me affection or some sign that they care about me and it feels really good, but I always feel guilty in my dreams because something tells me, “you are married.”  One night the guy was about to tell me how he felt and kiss me and it made me feel so special, but I woke up right away.  It is sad because I wanted to go right back in that dream, and I actually tried. 

I just feel so broken down because I am alone in this relationship. I tell him what I need, for him to treat me well and give me hugs, etc., but he says he won’t change for anyone. Do you have any answers for me?

A: You aren’t alone. Time and again I hear from one spouse (usually the wife) about the controlling, angry nature of the other spouse. Maybe some of these statements from others reflect what you feel:

• I find myself thinking “how will he react” before I do anything. I live in fear that whatever I do, say, think, or feel will set him off.
• When he wants me to see it or do anything his way, he keeps on and on until he wears me down and I finally give in. Then he acts like I finally saw the light, but I feel overpowered and frustrated.
• He tells me that I don’t show him the respect he deserves, but it’s hard to respect a man who constantly runs you down and wants to control nearly everything you do
• He expects me to be a great lover and want him all the time, but I can’t go from being treated like a second-class citizen to all of a sudden becoming a sexual siren like he thinks I’m supposed to
• He constantly criticizes me for not building up his ego, but he feels free to tell anyone he wishes what he thinks my flaws are
• He tells me my motives are selfish whenever I do something I enjoy. He has derided me so often that I question myself and doubt myself.
• Can I ever be me again? Will I live my life trying to be whatever he wants me to be, or do whatever he wants me to do?

The bad news is that nothing will change about him as long as you allow him to treat you this way. In a sense you are the child and he is the parent. And not a very nice parent at that. Age may mellow him, but it may not and if it does it will take many years.

In my opinion, you will either live like this until you can’t take it at all and then do something dumb like committing adultery, or you must take charge of your life now. Having lived like this for a while, it’s possible that you will need therapy to overcome your own emotional confusion. You don’t have to divorce him, but you do have to put your foot down and make him face the consequences of his own behavior. If he hits or chokes you, call the police. If you are afraid of serious harm or death, quietly find the folks in your community who operate safe houses for abused women and let them guide you. If he verbally abuses you rather than physically, don’t think that’s okay. Verbal and emotional abuse is destructive and shouldn’t be tolerated. If that continues, you may find it much better to move out, find the spiritual and emotional support you need, and then – if he doesn’t change – move on.

If you are a Christian and fear that you will anger God if you don’t stay and take it, read Ephesians 5 where it says plainly that a husband is to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This man is NOT doing that. He is failing his responsibility and being a bully, a manipulator, and a threat. In my view you have no obligation to stay with him if he does not get the help he needs to become a very different person than he is now.

I repeat: This is not going to change on its own. The odds of that are extremely low. YOU must stand up, be the adult that you are under all that confusion, and take charge of your life to make it what it should and could be. There are people in your community who can help you. Start with your church. If you don’t find it there, find a church or a center that has counselors or therapists. If you cannot afford that, call your county administrative offices and ask them where to find the help you need. There are people who care and who will stand beside you.

Don’t live like this any longer.

Q: My husband and I have been married for 15 years.  During that time, he got into Internet porn & body piercings.  He finally let that go 3 years ago, but then I suspect had an emotional affair with a gal at his work.  He vehemently denies this, but she was talked to at work about her actions so others had also noticed.  I have lost so much respect for him during the years, even though he has come a long way spiritually during the last three.  We are in deep trouble.  Neither of us is fulfilling needs. We have 3 children and neither of us believes in divorce. In a nutshell, how do I push the “reset” button on my marriage when I really don’t want to be with this person anymore?

A: Fifteen years of bad stuff certainly builds up tons of hurt, resentment, and anger. In the workshop that I lead for couples in crisis, it isn’t unusual for half or more of the couples present to have been married about fifteen years. Though I don’t have statistics on this, it seems that is a natural “I’ve had enough of this” time frame and one or the other just wants out.

The good news is that your husband has been trying to change for the last three years. Obviously, his emotional connection to another woman indicates that he hasn’t been doing as well at it as one would hope. But if he is trying, and if he wants to save the marriage, there is a way for you to push the reset button.

Let me mention three things that have to happen. I’m sorry that I don’t have space to elaborate on them, but the points are valid. If you wish to know more, you can find it in my book Your LovePath. Or if your marriage is in serious crisis, I strongly urge you to consider coming enrolling in one of the weekend workshops that I lead, called LovePath 911.

1. For any marriage to get better, BOTH parties have to stop doing those things destroying their relationship. If the couple can talk calmly and openly, they can figure out most of these on their own. If they communicate with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or hurt, they likely need the help of a strong workshop or professional counselor to identify the actions that must cease.

2. The only way to get over the past is to learn to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion; it’s a decision. You decide not to take vengeance on the person who hurt you. You decide not to let your life be governed by your hurt. As long as one clings tenaciously to past harm, there is little likelihood of a good future.

3. BOTH parties have to start doing the things to make love grow. That’s what I wrote about in Your LovePath. It’s also the central theme of our weekend turnaround workshop. As said before, if the couple can communicate calmly and maturely, then they likely can figure this out for themselves. If not, it will be very difficult to do without the right help.

The foundation to your question is that you do not want to divorce. Because you do not, then whatever it takes, find/do what needs to be done to turn this marriage around.

Q: My husband tells me all I am good for is sex.  He tells me to that it is my duty as his wife to have sex or to do other sexual things with him whenever he wants it, but he does not respect me.  He makes jokes about me and insults me in front of other people and my children (including things that I have told him during intimate times about our sex life).  I do not feel comfortable having sex with him, being intimate, or even just telling him my feelings for fear that he will bring it up to other people as a joke.  When I have confronted him and asked him please not to do this, he denies it or says that I should hear what the guys at his work say about their wives. We have a lot of other problems as well, which all boil down to his lack of respect of me, but his main complaint is that I don’t give him sex when he wants it.  I have filed for divorce, but am considering going to a marriage retreat for couples in crisis.  I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like when I talk to him he just gets mad and says I don’t do anything he wants me to.(referring to sex)  I have tried and tried to explain to him that my lack of trust for him makes me uncomfortable in intimate situations where my guard is down, but he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He just replies with “I don’t talk about you.” How should I handle this?  I know that sex is an important part of a marriage, but how do I have sex with someone that thinks so little of me to insult me all the time?  I have been in this marriage for 8 yrs.  We got married, because I was pregnant and my husband has never treated me with respect even when we were dating. Should I try to save my marriage even though he always has put me down?

A: If a marriage can be salvaged, it should be salvaged. It’s great that you are willing to go a weekend for marriages in crisis. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I suggest you go to www.MarriageHelper.com and check out the weekend workshop that I personally lead for marriages in crisis.

However, a marriage cannot be good if one person feels disrespected by the other. We all want someone in our lives with whom we can feel safe sharing our secrets, our innermost thoughts, desires, and the like. The ideal is for that to occur in marriage. Yet you write that when you shared your innermost self with your husband, rather than protecting your secrets he broadcast them to others, denying he was doing anything wrong and even seeing humor in doing it. That is a terrible thing for anyone to do to another person, but especially the person you’re married to and supposed to “be there” for. You obviously cannot share any more of your thoughts or ideas with him unless you want the world to hear them. Be wise; don’t open up yourself to him until he learns how to be trustworthy.

As to sex, yes, it is part of the marriage agreement. Check 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and you’ll see that God commanded it. However, what happens when one spouse violates the sanctity of the marriage bond but demands that the other spouse do whatever he wants? Reluctance, then resistance, and finally, refusing altogether. If he wishes you to do your “wifely duties,” then you have every right to demand that he be the leader and first do his “husbandly duties.” Tell him that when you can trust him again to share your innermost self, when he stops ridiculing you in private or public, and when he learns that you must be treated with respect and dignity, he can and will have a wonderful sex life with you. Of course, if you promise that and he does those things, you must do as you promised.

Though there is Biblical command for husband’s and wive’s to fulfill each other sexually, there are also Biblical commands for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Those commands are just as important, if not more so, than any concerning sex. You’re his wife, not his prostitute nor his sex slave. Demand that he treats you as a wife deserves to be treated and if he refuses, make him face the consequences of his behavior by doing whatever you need to do to have a life with dignity.

Q: How would you know when God sends you your life partner? How would you know that this is him, that this is the man for me?

A: This may sound as if I don’t believe in the power of God, but I am not of the opinion that God always sends every person the mate s/he should have. There isn’t any scripture that I know of that says He will nor one that says how you would know if He did.

I prayed for my daughters’ spouses when they were still young. I asked that God would direct them to a mate that is compatible with their beliefs and values, with their personalities, and with our family as a whole. I believe that God answers prayer, but I didn’t expect God to pick out just one candidate and somehow introduce him into my daughter’s life. He can, of course. But He may just as well work through putting several young men in my daughter’s life so that she can compare, learn the strengths and weaknesses of, and decide which one she would be willing to commit to for the rest of her life.

You see, whoever you marry, you marry a set of problems. Marry that guy and you get a weirdo family. Marry that one and he’s a Mama’s boy. That one over there has self-esteem issues. The one on the corner has tendencies that may lead him to become an addict. No one, and I mean no one, is perfect. Therefore, there is not the perfect person for my daughter. As I said, God may send the best of the lot, or He may just let her choose from those that she interacts with over time. I pray for her opportunity and her wisdom, not that God will have Prince Charming parachute down our chimney.

Don’t waste your time looking for a sign from God as to whether this is the one. Instead, look into the person as deeply as you can to see if he is the man (and the set of problems) that you are willing to spend a lifetime with, flaws and all.

Q:  Please share with me how I can learn to love my husband again. The kids have grown and left home, and I feel like I am married to a stranger. I feel like he doesn’t listen to me – actually, I’m certain of it by the questions he asks – I can tell he doesn’t listen. I feel dead inside for him.

A: I’m so sorry that your marriage has deteriorated to this state, yet you are not unique by any means. Many couples realize after the last child has grown and gone that the bond holding them together was not love for each other but love for their children.

Over time the focus a couple had for each other gets blurred by life. Early romance gradually fades as work, health, finances, children, and other matters beg for attention. When that happens love fades but often isn’t noticed because one’s emotions are so diverted from the spouse and filled by other people (such as children) and desires (such as success). Apparently, that has happened to you.

The good news is that if you loved each other once, you can love each other again. (To be more accurate, even if you never loved each other before, you can learn to love each other now.) Love doesn’t just happen; it is a process. When one follows that process she falls in love whether she means to or not. When she vacates or violates that process, she falls out of love whether she wants to or not.

It took an entire book for me to explain this process adequately (you can find Your LovePath here), so please allow me to speak to only one of the steps on that path at this moment. It is acceptance. Acceptance that creates and sustains love is that which allows each person to be who s/he really is rather than having to paint a picture that the other person prefers. Your statement that your husband doesn’t listen in essence says that he doesn’t pay attention to who you really are. You feel empty because you are. Living as a housemate is quite different than living as a lover.

So who do we fix? Him? You? Both?

Of course, the answer is nearly always both. However, if he isn’t listening to what you say, you likely think that he isn’t going to change and there is nothing you can do to change him. In one sense that is true, no one can make me be anything and can only “make” me do something if the only other choice is to be hurt in some way. (Hold the gun on me and I’ll give you my money. However, I am NOT going to love you.) In another sense, it is true. My behaviors can have a powerful effect on a person that lives with me.

This will sound too simple, and it is, but it is the place to start. Begin the process of falling in love again by listening to him. I know you are thinking that he doesn’t talk or doesn’t talk about anything of interest to you. Here’s the secret. Everyone has stories from various points of their lives that make them who they are. When we learn the stories of another, we learn more about them than in nearly any other way. Even if you have heard all his stories, ask for them again, but this time key in on what he feels as he tells them. Listen without censuring or judging. Ask questions about those feelings. Ask how that story affected who he is today. Gradually start telling your own stories (but never interrupting his).

My guess is that if you really do this, not giving up if it doesn’t start out well, you will begin to see again why you first fell in love with him years ago. You will also find him listening to you, if not a request to take out the trash, at least to the stories of who you are.

Try it and tell me if it works.

Q: I will be married in one month’s time and i wanted to find out whether what my Doctor said is true or not. He said if you are uncircumcised your wife will not be able to enjoy sex with you compared to when you are circumcised. Is it true Biblically, do I have reason to worry?

A: Sometimes uncircumcised men reach orgasm faster than circumcised men because the head of the penis for a circumcised male is a little less sensitive than in the uncircumcised. Just make sure that you fulfill your wife before your own climax and you will do fine. Actually the ridge caused by the foreskin rolling back to the corona on the uncircumcised male when erect can add pleasure to some women.

The value of circumcision today is primarily hygienic. As long as you thoroughly clean under the foreskin every day when you bathe, there should be no problem.

The Biblical command for circumcision was to the Jewish people as a covenant sign with God. The New Testament says it makes no difference if we are or we aren’t. (1 Corinthians 7:17-19)

There it is right on the cover of the February 2009 issue of Southern Living magazine. The title and the picture; a banana pudding made with nutter butters instead of vanilla wafers. According to Nabisco’s web site, there are a billion calories, all from fat, in just one Nutter Butter. Well, okay, I didn’t actually look but I’m confident that’s about right.

According to the CDC, quite a few of us in the USA are obese — not just overweight, but obese. To show where most of the obese live, they break it down by state. In 2007 (latest numbers) the three highest are Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee. The lowest is Colorado. Not too much of a stretch to understand that. We in the Southeast fry everything, including tomatoes, but people in Colorado only eat the bounties of nature they find while hiking. A seven-course meal for us is a possum and a six pack. For them it’s three acorns, two berries, a sip of snow runoff, and a daisy for dessert. They live longer; we require jumbo coffins.

Because I’m considered a marriage expert, I must point out a major problem with the fattening of America beyond the physical and health issues. Often people tell me that they love their spouses more than ever, but no longer wish to make love to them because they are repulsed by their bulging bodies. As one fellow said, “She was beautiful and would be again if she were thin. But when she asks me if her weight bothers me, I think of how much I love her and tell a ’smiley faced lie.’ She doesn’t have a medical condition; she just has no discipline. I love her; I just don’t want to make love to her.”

When I mention that in workshops where marriage counselors and therapists attend, I hear from most of them that they run into this same dilemma in their practices, but in our politically correct world they fear saying much about it. I agree that prejudice toward anyone for anything, including weight, is uncalled for. At the same time, I know that this is causing a great deal of marital distress. One lady called my radio program and told me that when she asked her husband if she were fat, he said yes. “That was three years ago and he still hasn’t asked me to forgive him,” she said. I told her that he didn’t need forgiving for telling the truth and that if she didn’t want to know she shouldn’t have asked him. 

If you ask your spouse if your weight affects his/her desire to make love to you, I figure one of three things will happen if the answer is yes. 1) S/he will answer honestly and then the two of you can work together to get back in shape. 2) S/he will answer honestly and in response you will punish the honest answer. 3) S/he will lie to keep peace. The only one of those options that work well and make love grow is number one. 

The US Dept. of Health has a handy online Body Mass Index tool that will tell you if you are underweight, normal, overweight, or obese.

No, it’s none of your business what mine is.

A couple days ago I was guest on Dave Ramsey’s TV show on the Fox Business Channel. As always, Dave is as sharp as they come and very exciting to be around. His mind is so fast and his convictions so deep that it wouldn’t be difficult to be intimidated when on national TV he fires a question at you. Glad it didn’t happen to me… 

It was fun. We talked about love and money, particularly my new book Your LovePath. Because Valentine’s Day is near, one of Dave’s questions had to do with how to make Valentine’s Day special without doing some “bonehead” (his word) thing that doesn’t work. In reply I told Dave about a call I had on the radio program I used to do.

A minister’s wife called in to tell us that she and her spouse take turns making Valentine’s Day special. One year is his to plan and execute. The next year is hers. It was her turn and she decided to cook her husband his favorite meal and serve it to him dressed as his favorite dessert. When I asked if that costume involved fabric, she replied, “Not much.”

She didn’t say what his favorite dessert was or how she dressed herself as that dessert. I imagine that everyone reading this — just as everyone who heard the original call or heard me telling Dave about it a couple days ago — has some mental picture based on the dessert they like best. Mine involves icing, rosebuds, and fancy writing in various colors. Don’t worry; that’s as far as I go in describing it. Whatever it was that she actually did, she said, “He looooved it.”

Making Valentine’s Day special doesn’t require a lot of money, just a bit of creativity. If you decide to do as the minister’s wife or if you come up with something all your own, enter my new contest by sharing it with others. Send a description clear enough for others to replicate to ask@JoeBeam.com. Even after Valentine’s Day, I’ll continue to post them for others to try. I will choose the one that I think the most creative and send a copy of my new book Your LovePath.

Don’t be bashful; let others learn from you. Send your idea soon.