You’ve had it happen to you. You said something as clearly as you knew how and the other person responded in a way that indicated that s/he heard something else entirely. To demonstrate how difficult communication can be, read the following sentence and determine what it means:

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.”

Simple enough to understand, isn’t it? Maybe not. Watch what happens to the meaning when you change emphasis from one word to another. Read each of the following sentences aloud emphasizing the word that is bolded, italicized, and underlined. As you do, notice how the implication of the sentence changes.

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that it wasn’t me that heard it. My knowledge is secondhand.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I believe he yelled at his wife but I didn’t personally hear it. Therefore, I’m telling you what I think, not what I know.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I did hear someone yell at his wife, but it wasn’t him.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I heard him communicate something to his wife but that he wasn’t yelling.)

“I didn’t hear him yell at his wife.” (Implying that I heard him yelling, but not at his wife.)

One simple sentence of eight words, but changing emphasis gives it at least six possible meanings. No wonder our world of text messages and emails causes so much confusion. Even face-to-face conversation fails when either the speaker or hearer misses or misconstrues the inflections of specific words.

What’s the lesson?

Communication takes place only when the hearer receives the same thought that the speaker sends. Most of the time, we don’t take time to make sure that happens. However, in matters of importance or possible emotional reaction, it is wise for the speaker to genuinely and sincerely ask the hearer to feed back the message received. Also, when a message heard seems unusual, uncomfortable, or distressing, it is wise for the hearer to repeat back what s/he understood to make sure that the intended message was the one received.

In short, pay attention, don’t react to what the other person might have said, and take the time to make sure that both are understanding the same thing.

Q: I am a 46 yr old male going on 11 yrs of marriage. I do not have a good sexual drive. What should I look into to help pick up my desire and drive? I have a great wife who has way more drive then I do.

A: Allow me to do something that I rarely do in this blog. Rather than answering the question myself, I direct you to two books.

First, I strongly suggest you get a copy of Men’s Sexual Health by McCarthy and Metz because it will answer your question, and many of the other questions that come with it, in much greater detail than I can in this column.  I know both these clinician/researchers and have become friends with Barry McCarthy. Though our views aren’t always the same — mine fit within my Christian world view — I deeply respect what Barry and Michael have to share. Order a copy online or pick one up at your bookstore. If you find a statement that doesn’t jibe with your world view (for example, if you are Christian and something they suggest contradicts your value system), dismiss it for your situation and move on to thier next point.

Just the other day I consulted with Barry McCarthy before submitting an article about pornography to a Christian web site. These men have good sense, tons of research, and pull no punches in sharing with me what we men need to know about sexuality throughout our lives.

Second, you may wish to look in your library for The Science of Orgasm, by Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple. They explore the medical and scientific research about orgasm for both men and women. I have talked with Beverly Whipple and honor her for being listed as one of the fifty most influential scientists in the world. The world view of these three authors isn’t that of mine as a Christian, but their work is definitely a valid contribution to the knowledge we need about sex.

In chapter fifteen, Herbal Therapies, they discuss a few herbal products that have been tested in humans in double-blind, placebo-controlled studies. Obviously, I will not replicate their chapter here, but I will share a few points you may find interesting.

(You MUST not try any of the following products without first consulting your medical professional. Each has side effects and if you have certain conditions these side effects could be disastrous. Got it? Don’t use any of these without medical advice from the physician or pharamcist who knows your conditions and meds you take.)

GINGKO BILOBA

Of gingkgo biloba they write, “While more comprehensive and well-controlled studies are required, it seems that gingko may be one of the few herbs that have aphrodisiac properties.” However, it does not always have that affect and not do so for you. If your medical professional agrees and you try gingko biloba to enhance your sexual desire, you may wish to use Gingkoba because it is a German brand and in Germany this is a prescription drug. That likely makes it of very good quality. Also remember that the herb’s effect may not come until you’ve taken it for several weeks.

ARGINMAX

The authors refer to a study of the men’s version of ArginMax over a four-week period in which a sexual function questionnaire demonstrated an 89 percent increase in the ability to maintain an erection,  a 75 percent increase in satisfaction with overall sex live, and a 20 percent increase in number of orgasms. For a study of the women’s version of ArginMax they wrote, “Significant improvements in the ArginMax treatement group were also reported in sexual desire, reduction of vaginal dryness, frequency of sexual intercourse, and orgasm.”

That means that ArginMax may be more valid for women who wish to increase their sexual desire than for men.

Remember that various medicines one takes may affect his sexual desire. Ask your physician about how each of the meds you are on affects sex drive and ask if their are others he may transfer you to that have less effect. Similarly, be aware that your own physical condition, especially being overweight, will definitely negatively affect your sexual desire. Change to the right meds and get the exercise you need and you may not need anything else to make your sexual desire increase.

Finally, there is good indication that an active and fulfilling sex life leads to stronger sexual desire. Initiate sexual activity even when you are “not in the mood” and it may well be that your desire increases in a few weeks just by increasing your sexual activity.

Q:  My marriage has been in crisis for a couple of years now. I made a terrible terrible mistake a couple of years ago.  My husband and myself tried to work things out.  I thought he had forgiven me then but he did not.  I took him for granted and felt that everything was ok and continued on with life.  Now there is very limited communication.  I guess I can use the word separation but living in the same house.  Divorce has been mentioned but I felt like that was not an option.  I have spoken to him and begged for him to give us another try.  Anger and rage etc.. has over taken his heart.  And I truly understand.  But to make a long story short I so want this to work but don’t know what to do.

A: I’m so sorry that you made your “terrible mistake” a couple years ago. If the “mistake” is what I assume it is, in actuality it wasn’t a mistake but a wrong decision. I don’t wish to sound mean, but a mistake is hitting the wrong key on the keyboard. Doing something that you do willingly, even if it is the wrong thing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s done on purpose. As we have all learned about life, every decision and every action have both short-term consequences and long-term consequences. No, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I’m just trying to help you understand that if your husband hears you referring to your actions as a mistake, he likely will hear it as your not taking full responsibility for what happened. You don’t want him to view it that way.

Allow me to share with you an acronym that I use to help people turn ACHE into ACHED (in other words, move it from the present to the past so that it can be gotten over.)

A – acknowledge your husband’s hurt. Whatever anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. he feels, you validate as being his right and that you understand and accept that your actions led to these emotions. Don’t blame him or offer any excuses. Make sure that you affirm his hurt and your role in it. Don’t do it boldly, but gently and with obvious remorse.

C – confessyour wrong. People often ask me if they have to give details about what they did. My reply is that if you ever want to be trusted again you must answer all questions as openly and honestly as possible. Realize that you will see more anger and hurt in your husband as you “tell all.” As in step one, acknowledge that and affirm it as his right to feel these emotions. Your revelation should be accomplished by strong words such as “sorry” rather than weak words such as “apologize.” Give no rationalization and don’t even try to explain how it happened unless he asks for that information. Hopefully you did that a couple years ago. If not, it’s not too late.

H – hear to understand. He won’t be able to get past the anger until he has had opportunity to spill all of it on you. Don’t focus on his words that hurt, but the words that help you understand the consequences in his life, heart, and soul. Make sure that you really, really understand what he feels and why he feels it. Again, offer no defense. Your job here isn’t to justify self, it is to understand his pain and the anger that comes from it.

E – emotionally connect. If you are listening closely to his pain, you will begin to feel some of what he feels. That may sound harsh and way too large a price to pay, but until he feels that you can understand not just what he is saying but also what he is feeling, he will have a difficult time forgiving and moving on. Again, the goal here is to validate him and to affirm his right to feel what he feels.

D – dothe right thing. If he needs to track your whereabouts for a while, let him. If he feels insecure for a while, go out of your way to make him feel secure. No one can live under constant surveillance and judgment forever, so don’t plan to do this for more than a year or so. But you may need to do it that long to help him overcome his fear of being hurt again.

Another part of doing the right thing is to cut off ALL contact with the person you made your “mistake” with. If you go to the same church, change churches. If you work for the same employer, change jobs (unless it is CERTAIN that you will never have contact with each other because he’s in one location and you are many miles away.) A hurt spouse heals very, very slowly if the spouse who did the hurting still has opportunity to see the other person. No matter what – even if you feel responsible for the other guy – you must not have any contact with him at all. Do the right thing.

There is more, but you get the idea. You can read more about forgiveness in my new book Your LovePath. You may also wish to consider asking your husband to come to our turnaround weekend for marriages in trouble. We will do quite a bit to help each of you move ahead and leave the past hurt behind. You can find out more by clicking here.

Q: My husband tells me all I am good for is sex.  He tells me to that it is my duty as his wife to have sex or to do other sexual things with him whenever he wants it, but he does not respect me.  He makes jokes about me and insults me in front of other people and my children (including things that I have told him during intimate times about our sex life).  I do not feel comfortable having sex with him, being intimate, or even just telling him my feelings for fear that he will bring it up to other people as a joke.  When I have confronted him and asked him please not to do this, he denies it or says that I should hear what the guys at his work say about their wives. We have a lot of other problems as well, which all boil down to his lack of respect of me, but his main complaint is that I don’t give him sex when he wants it.  I have filed for divorce, but am considering going to a marriage retreat for couples in crisis.  I want to fix my marriage, but I feel like when I talk to him he just gets mad and says I don’t do anything he wants me to.(referring to sex)  I have tried and tried to explain to him that my lack of trust for him makes me uncomfortable in intimate situations where my guard is down, but he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He just replies with “I don’t talk about you.” How should I handle this?  I know that sex is an important part of a marriage, but how do I have sex with someone that thinks so little of me to insult me all the time?  I have been in this marriage for 8 yrs.  We got married, because I was pregnant and my husband has never treated me with respect even when we were dating. Should I try to save my marriage even though he always has put me down?

A: If a marriage can be salvaged, it should be salvaged. It’s great that you are willing to go a weekend for marriages in crisis. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I suggest you go to www.MarriageHelper.com and check out the weekend workshop that I personally lead for marriages in crisis.

However, a marriage cannot be good if one person feels disrespected by the other. We all want someone in our lives with whom we can feel safe sharing our secrets, our innermost thoughts, desires, and the like. The ideal is for that to occur in marriage. Yet you write that when you shared your innermost self with your husband, rather than protecting your secrets he broadcast them to others, denying he was doing anything wrong and even seeing humor in doing it. That is a terrible thing for anyone to do to another person, but especially the person you’re married to and supposed to “be there” for. You obviously cannot share any more of your thoughts or ideas with him unless you want the world to hear them. Be wise; don’t open up yourself to him until he learns how to be trustworthy.

As to sex, yes, it is part of the marriage agreement. Check 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and you’ll see that God commanded it. However, what happens when one spouse violates the sanctity of the marriage bond but demands that the other spouse do whatever he wants? Reluctance, then resistance, and finally, refusing altogether. If he wishes you to do your “wifely duties,” then you have every right to demand that he be the leader and first do his “husbandly duties.” Tell him that when you can trust him again to share your innermost self, when he stops ridiculing you in private or public, and when he learns that you must be treated with respect and dignity, he can and will have a wonderful sex life with you. Of course, if you promise that and he does those things, you must do as you promised.

Though there is Biblical command for husband’s and wive’s to fulfill each other sexually, there are also Biblical commands for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Those commands are just as important, if not more so, than any concerning sex. You’re his wife, not his prostitute nor his sex slave. Demand that he treats you as a wife deserves to be treated and if he refuses, make him face the consequences of his behavior by doing whatever you need to do to have a life with dignity.

Q: I am a Christian and my husband claimed to be one and attended church when we met. We’ve been married one and it’s been a war, not a marriage. All his life he was attracted to and lusted after pretty women with long hair. Of course, he kept this hidden from me. A friend of his told him before we met that he went after women like a shark. He’s admitted his thirst for women. He wouldn’t miss looking for them. While driving he’d watch in the rear view mirror and if they’d pass us, he’d turn his head a full turn to watch them go by. In restaurants he’d keep looking at them. Driving by he’d turn his head looking if they were on the sidewalks. In church. We tried a couple of churches and he’d pick out a pretty women sitting alone. He’d keep looking at them. Staring, really. During tv commercials he could be reading the paper. If he’d hear a female voice, he’d put the paper down long enough to check them out. If they were pretty, he’d watch the commercial. If they weren’t pretty, he’d continue reading the paper.  Most of our married life this habit persisted. We had screaming battles to put it mildly. He claims it’s out of him now. I can’t know because he claimed that repeatedly in the past and wasn’t over it yet. But even if he is, the damage is done in me. He has destroyed several things in me. I can longer trust him. When we’re apart, or even if he’s just outside I’m wondering how many women he’s staring at. That’s what he did. And right in front of me. Stare and stare at these women. Every time I see a pretty woman I now feel so ugly. And, compared to the women he stared at, I am ugly. I don’t feel I have any respect left for him. He claims to love me. He didn’t know what true love is. He’s been married 5 times and been through an unbelievable amount of women. He should consider the problem could be him. But he doesn’t want to hear that. And he won’t talk. He’ll scream for a moment and then storm off. I tell him I need to talk. He won’t. He almost acts like he can’t. I don’t believe this marriage will last. He treats me fine when we’re not fighting, but, we’re usually fighting. We fight almost daily. It’s ridiculous. I’ve prayed over and over about it and given it to God. I know, according to the Bible, he’s committed heart adultery over and over. He claims to be sorry. He claimed that over and over and would yet persist in his addiction to women. I don’t know if I have any more love left for him. If so, not much.  I tried and tried to get him to agree for us to get help. He never would. I don’t know whether  to tell him to leave or not. It is my home. I don’t feel there is any hope. Does God expect me to live like this indefinitely?

A: You are right, of course, that in Matthew 5:28 Jesus said, ^“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” However, as I began reading your email, I confess that I found myself wondering if he were as bad as you say or if your own insecurity might exacerbate your concern. I also confess that by the time I got to the end, I came to believe that he does have a problem.

If I understand correctly, at least the good news is that he is not physically active with any of these women. Not saying that makes it right; just that it would be even worse if he were. I understand that his continual staring at other women makes you feel “ugly.” It seems to me that women regularly compare themselves with other women and in their minds often come off as second. His actions hurt and you have every right to be hurt by them.

When you say that after five marriages it should occur to him that he may be the problem. I don’t mean to be offensive, but I wonder why you didn’t think the same thing before marrying him — that he has a problem. The old adage is that women marry men thinking they will change and men marry women thinking that they will never change. He was what he was; he is what he is. If he changes, it will be through what is called “a significant emotional event.” The good news is that those can happen. The bad news is that the often they don’t.

Do you have a right to leave a man who continues in sin though he continues to say that he won’t do it again? Forgiving a person who repeatedly sins and asks forgiveness is Biblical. (Matthew 18:21-22) Living with that person is another thing altogether. We can forgive and love the person but we do not have to tolerate his/her continued misbehavior. In my opinion, the Matthew passage you cited gives you right to divorce him. BUT WAIT! (Always wanted to say that…) Before you do, there is more to try.

I strongly suggest you check out our workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911.

Q: I read your article about anal sex and understand that you do not agree with it based upon the fact that medical experts indicated to you that it will do harm. I have two questions: 1) MSNBC reported that you said anal sex is okay; have you changed your position on this? 2) Is it okay to insert my finger into my wife’s anus as this will surely do no bodily harm?

A: I believe anything that harms the body to be beyond the parameters of Christian behavior, in the bedroom or out. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

There is ample medical evidence that anal sex (penile penetration into the anus) does harm; therefore, I believe that Christians should not participate in this type activity. That is not a new position but instead is one that I have held for many years. The actual quote from the MSNBC article is “Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body.” (See the article here.) Brian Alexander, the author of the article, was summing up what I said about anal sex in the seminar he attended. I shared my belief that anal sex harms the body and is, therefore, wrong for us to do. I then pointed out that if any couple is having anal sex and disagrees with me on the matter, they should have a doctor examine the wife’s rectum, and if indeed there is no damage, my argument falls. The way Brian phrased his sentence might make it appear that I think anal sex is okay, but on careful reading you see that it says what I’ve taught for years.

As to your second question, my answer would be based on what your wife truly thinks or feels about your finger in her anus. If she has the slightest hesitation or dislike, you should not do it. If she likes it, then read further….

You are right in that it likely will do no harm to the anus IF your fingernail is trimmed and the finger is placed gently. Some women report stronger orgasms if a finger is placed in their anus just before they climax. The man’s finger typically would feel her contractions as she orgasms. If your wife likes that and willingly participates, then I know of no prohibition against it. However, if you do this you must make absolutely, positively sure that your finger does not come into contact with any of her genitalia — or anything else for that matter – until it has been thoroughly cleansed. Otherwise you may well cause health problems of grave consequence.

Q: I am a 58 year old Christian woman and have been married to the same man for over 36 years. We have grown apart over the years and can’t seem to get close. My husband is 60 and has taken to writing someone over the Internet that he has never met. He says he loves this other woman more than me and spends a lot of time instant messaging her. I try not to be angry, telling myself that he will grow out of it, or they are only friends. I have put this in God’s hands and prayed and prayed about it. I know God does not want me to be angry. My husband says if I’m not happy, that I should leave, but I don’t want to leave. I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if he would consider going to a marriage counselor and he just says no. Have any ideas?

A: I think the first thing to mention here is that you have a right to be angry. Jesus was angry when He turned over the tables at the temple because the things going on there shoud NOT have been happening. When Paul writes about anger, he doesn’t say that we can’t be angry. Instead he tells us to deal with it (don’t let the sun go down) which is the healthy way to handle anger. You are right to be angry. Now you need to do the right things about the cause of this anger.

It is not acceptable for a man to be talking/writing with another woman despite the objections of his wife. It is even more unacceptable that he tells you that he loves her more than you. In my book, that would meet the criteria of adultery that Jesus taught in Matthew 5:28. What your husband is doing is a violation of your marriage vows and he is sinning not only against you but also against God as well.

Your husband will not grow out of this. (He’s 60 years old…) Even if it became boring and he moved on to something else, it wouldn’t solve the problem of what he is doing. You say that you have grown apart. It appears that this other woman is in some way providing him emotional fulfillment and closeness. To fix this two things have to happen. First, he has to stop all contact with that woman. Second, you two must do the things that need to be done to fall in love with each other again. If that sounds impossible, may I recommend my book Your LovePath. It will guide you through that process. (You can find the book here.) I also strongly recommend that you check out LovePath 911, our intensive workshop for marriages in trouble. Yours is definitely in trouble. (Find more about this workshop here.)

Finally, though this may sound harsh, you must call him to accountability for his behavior. You cannot allow him to continue this relationship with that woman. Tell him to stop or leave. If you have Christian friends who will help, read my free Intervention Document and let it guide you in the process of salvaging this man. (You can find that article here.) If you continue to let things go on as they are, your anger will increase, but not just toward him. You will become angrier with yourself. DO what needs to be done.

Q: If your husband has been in a horrible mood ALL day and snaps at everything you do or say…and then suddenly when the lights go out he decides it’s time for “2 minutes in Heaven” (lyric from a song) … Am I obligated to go through with it even though I am still hurt and aggravated by the way he has been all day?  I can’t turn off the day to have sex.  I know it’s a different story for men…It even makes me a little mad too because he is suddenly being sweet to me just because he’s wanting “some”…not because he wants to apologize for his behavior earlier. It is SO obvious!!!!!!

A: In some ways men and women are different when it comes to sex. For example, we know that one of the major inhibitors of a woman’s arousal is fatigue. If she’s exhausted it’s difficult for her mind, emotions, and body to gear up for a sexual experience.

A man can get aroused physically without being aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. So can women. However there is strong research that, unlike a man, a woman has no awareness of her sexual arousal if she is not also aroused mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. In other words, she could have the indications of physical arousal (vaginal swelling, lubrication, so forth) but does not think she is aroused nor will she acknowledge that she is aroused if it is not also in her mind and heart.

However, I’m not so sure that men and women are much different when it comes to reacting to the negative moods of the other mate. We know that if a man is focused on sex, he can have sex and come to orgasm even if he doesn’t like the woman he is. So can women, if they so choose. But in marriage if either is “turned off” by the behavior of the other, the man is as likely as the woman to avoid a sexual encounter.

This is a general principle, and your husband may be the exception. More than likely, he isn’t. My guess is that he has no real understanding of how his behavior affects you and writes off your reactions as trivial and easy to get over. That’s likely why he can move into gentleness and sexuality so quickly.

The best course, in my opinion (not professional advice, just Joe’s opinion) is to let him know just how badly you are hurt by his behavior and tell him that until he understands the realities of a loving relationship he shouldn’t count on lovemaking. If you do it in an attacking way, I predict bad times will result. If you do it from your heart, not spouting anger, but allowing your hurt to surface so that he can see and feel your pain (not your anger), you may be on the road to changing your relationship completely.

This is not to say that an occasional bad day means that a couple should go into deep discussion and avoid sex. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and everyone just needs to move on. On those occasions, having sex with him is good. It’s repeated negative behavior that hurts your heart, mind, and soul that shouldn’t be ignored but dealt with.

Q: I’m single right now, and before I start a relationship with someone, it’s important for me that she attracts me sexually. Is it bad to say or think after looking at a woman, “She is sexy.” (as a compliment). I mean God has created woman to be sexy and attract us. Can’t we take this as a simple compliment without harming the dignity of the woman?

A: There are really two questions here rather than just one.

First, is it okay to want a wife that attracts you sexually? Absolutely. In my new book Your LovePath I discuss physical attraction and how it works for both males and females. You’re right that God built us to notice the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. In many species God made the male the beautiful one. Think about the glorious displays of male peacocks and turkeys. Also notice that it is the male cardinal who is that stunning red. Male lions have that magnificent mane. It seems to me that when he came to humans He altered His approach somewhat and made the female the beautiful one. (I’m happy He did that.) So just as birds and lions and other animals are attracted by the physical appearance of a potential mate, so are we. It’s built into our nature.

Now lust is another matter. Jesus said that we shouldn’t do that in Matthew 5:28. Lust is far beyond appreciating beauty; it is longing for or craving sexual contact with a person. In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus addressed married men who lusted after a woman other than their wives. A man lusting for his own wife isn’t a sin. A man on the verge of being married and longing for sexual union with his fiance on his wedding night isn’t sinning either. Lust is craving sexual contact with someone that you do not have a right to have sex with.

So, yes, it’s okay to find a woman sexy but not okay to lust for her.

In the second part of your question you ask if you could tell a woman she is sexy without harming her dignity.

Some women might want to hear it, but my view is that they don’t want to hear it from anyone that they are not in relationship with. If I were to walk through the mall stopping women that I have casually met before and tell them I think them sexy, I’d be in great trouble with my wife. with most of those women, and with the mall cop who would throw me out. Even worse, one of those women might find it an invitation from me to go beyond our current friendship and that is very, very bad news for everyone involved.

If you wish to tell a woman you think her sexy, I suggest you wait until you’re engaged. That’s the best way to keep yourself from being labeled and avoided by good people.

Wow, for over two months I have not blogged. Life has been intense. However, I’m back. Not only will you find at least three new blogs per week on this site, you will also find at least three new blogs per week in which I answer questions about sex here.

Sorry for being gone but I’m back and we’re rolling….